Proximity and Attraction: How We Start To Covet What We See and Fall In Love

I have a theory about attraction and falling in love. After years of watching hours of reality television dating shows and observing friends and colleagues date and fall in love, it is clear that proximity is the key to attraction and falling for someone, regardless of differing backgrounds, races, and our ideal types. In fact, I believe we are “programmed”, very young in life, by exposure, to have specific beliefs about what is attractive and beautiful, as well as what is unattractive or less desirable. But I also believe those limited thoughts on beauty and who we “should” want to be with can be changed with exposure and proximity, which often challenges those thoughts. Let’s discuss.

Do You Have A Type?

How has having a “type” worked out for you so far? If asked, most people will say they have a type and when they describe their type, that person is usually how that individual’s society or culture would describe a conventionally attractive person. For some that may mean blonde hair and blue eyes or a thin figure with large breasts and long hair, or perhaps bigger butts and teeny tiny waists. Women may want the tall, dark, and handsome man who looks perfect without a shirt on and has thick wavy hair, which is perfect for running your fingers through. But in reality, most people don’t look like our type, or if they do, they may not be compatible or equally attracted to us.

Exposure

In the military, I saw the most unlikely pairings and was pursued by guys who came from vastly different backgrounds than my own. Men from different races who had never had friends outside of their own race or ethnicities and had never dated outside of their race became great friends of mine and some pursued me romantically. Growing up in southern California in a multi-racial family, I was always surrounded by a diverse group of people, so being around people from other races and backgrounds was nothing new to me. It never occurred to me that some people did not have this type of racial and cultural exposure, exposure which I think helped make me a better, more well rounded person.

People who you would not normally interact with in every day society can become a coworker and a friend who shatters all of your assumptions and stereotypes. In “The Silence of the Lambs” the question is asked, “how do we first began to covet?” and the answer is “we covet what we see every day”. To covet is to desire or long for something or someone that is not yours.

Proximity

Proximity is closeness or nearness and for the purpose of this blog we are talking about physical proximity. Think fellow student, a neighbor, or a work colleague. Because we tend to covet what we see every day, we can develop crushes and legitimate feelings for someone, regardless of their looks, as we get to know them and like them as a person.

Liking someone from a different race or background does not mean you are fetishizing them or are being fetishized. Social media uses the term fetishizing incorrectly quite often. In the context of this blog, to fetishize is to objectify a person based on their race, culture, or physical features. For example, someone who fetishizes black women, just wants a black woman without care for her as an individual and will view her as interchangeable with other black women.

The surprise of getting to know someone, whom at first meeting you thought would be a completely different person is the best. You were ready to write them off based on preconceived ideas of who they were and suddenly you find yourself laughing and chatting with them all the time. And sometime those laughs and chats leads to one or both of you catching feelings.

The Fall

Falling for someone who is not your physical type on paper is not settling, it’s being realistic and realizing that what we thought we wanted is not necessarily for us. Unfortunately, ladies who are looking for their guy, I hate to break it to you but there probably is not an available six-foot-two, handsome, billionaire man who is kind and loving, and just waiting to sweep you off of your feet. Maybe these men exist, but there certainly are not enough of them to go around. But maybe, just maybe, the cute, five-foot-nine guy who adores you and is your work bestie can be your prince charming, if you are open to it.

Remember, this is not about settling, it is about being open, and being aware of what may be right in front of you. And just because someone is nice to you and likes does not mean you are expected to automatically like them back. I am just saying, do not miss out on your person, just because they are packaged differently than you imagined. But also, always use discernment.

So what are your thought on proximity and attraction? Have you ever met someone at school or work and felt no desire to give them a second glance and then you get to know them and can barely keep yourself from staring at them? That’s proximity working its magic. You like them for them, which is far more authentic than basing a relationship on expectations and looks alone. Please share your thoughts and experience!

"How love works: Proximity leads to intimacy, and intimacy leads to a relationship. In other words, people who are around each other a lot, get close, and end up hooking up". - Unknown