words to video
I love storytelling and always want my readers to have options. You can find my blogs on my YouTube channel and listen to them on the go.
Proximity and Attraction: How We Start To Covet What We See and Fall In Love
I have a theory about attraction and falling in love. After years of watching hours of reality television dating shows and observing friends and colleagues date and fall in love, it is clear that proximity is the key to attraction and falling for someone, regardless of differing backgrounds, races, and our ideal types. In fact, I believe we are “programmed”, very young in life, by exposure, to have specific beliefs about what is attractive and beautiful, as well as what is unattractive or less desirable. But I also believe those limited thoughts on beauty and who we “should” want to be with can be changed with exposure and proximity, which often challenges those thoughts. Let’s discuss.
Do You Have A Type?
How has having a “type” worked out for you so far? If asked, most people will say they have a type and when they describe their type, that person is usually how that individual’s society or culture would describe a conventionally attractive person. For some that may mean blonde hair and blue eyes or a thin figure with large breasts and long hair, or perhaps bigger butts and teeny tiny waists. Women may want the tall, dark, and handsome man who looks perfect without a shirt on and has thick wavy hair, which is perfect for running your fingers through. But in reality, most people don’t look like our type, or if they do, they may not be compatible or equally attracted to us.
Exposure
In the military, I saw the most unlikely pairings and was pursued by guys who came from vastly different backgrounds than my own. Men from different races who had never had friends outside of their own race or ethnicities and had never dated outside of their race became great friends of mine and some pursued me romantically. Growing up in southern California in a multi-racial family, I was always surrounded by a diverse group of people, so being around people from other races and backgrounds was nothing new to me. It never occurred to me that some people did not have this type of racial and cultural exposure, exposure which I think helped make me a better, more well rounded person.
People who you would not normally interact with in every day society can become a coworker and a friend who shatters all of your assumptions and stereotypes. In “The Silence of the Lambs” the question is asked, “how do we first began to covet?” and the answer is “we covet what we see every day”. To covet is to desire or long for something or someone that is not yours.
Proximity
Proximity is closeness or nearness and for the purpose of this blog we are talking about physical proximity. Think fellow student, a neighbor, or a work colleague. Because we tend to covet what we see every day, we can develop crushes and legitimate feelings for someone, regardless of their looks, as we get to know them and like them as a person.
Liking someone from a different race or background does not mean you are fetishizing them or are being fetishized. Social media uses the term fetishizing incorrectly quite often. In the context of this blog, to fetishize is to objectify a person based on their race, culture, or physical features. For example, someone who fetishizes black women, just wants a black woman without care for her as an individual and will view her as interchangeable with other black women.
The surprise of getting to know someone, whom at first meeting you thought would be a completely different person is the best. You were ready to write them off based on preconceived ideas of who they were and suddenly you find yourself laughing and chatting with them all the time. And sometime those laughs and chats leads to one or both of you catching feelings.
The Fall
Falling for someone who is not your physical type on paper is not settling, it’s being realistic and realizing that what we thought we wanted is not necessarily for us. Unfortunately, ladies who are looking for their guy, I hate to break it to you but there probably is not an available six-foot-two, handsome, billionaire man who is kind and loving, and just waiting to sweep you off of your feet. Maybe these men exist, but there certainly are not enough of them to go around. But maybe, just maybe, the cute, five-foot-nine guy who adores you and is your work bestie can be your prince charming, if you are open to it.
Remember, this is not about settling, it is about being open, and being aware of what may be right in front of you. And just because someone is nice to you and likes does not mean you are expected to automatically like them back. I am just saying, do not miss out on your person, just because they are packaged differently than you imagined. But also, always use discernment.
So what are your thought on proximity and attraction? Have you ever met someone at school or work and felt no desire to give them a second glance and then you get to know them and can barely keep yourself from staring at them? That’s proximity working its magic. You like them for them, which is far more authentic than basing a relationship on expectations and looks alone. Please share your thoughts and experience!
"How love works: Proximity leads to intimacy, and intimacy leads to a relationship. In other words, people who are around each other a lot, get close, and end up hooking up". - Unknown
12 Signs of Strong Sexual Chemistry
Sexual chemistry is an exuberayting feeling. It gives you a dopamine boost and makes you feel like you are going to float away or faint from the intensity of one simple feeling or interaction.
Sexual chemistry is an immediate and intense attraction to another person, characterized by both physical and emotional reactions like a rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, or a general sense of euphoria when near them. It’s the spark that jump starts many relationships.
I remember on one occasion where he who shall not be named, squeezed in next to me in a crowded room. When he leaned into my neck and whispered in my ear to ask a question, I felt my pulse begin to race as I started to break out into a sweat. In a room full of people, I wasn’t sure, hoped in fact, that no one noticed the quick interaction between us but I’m certain he was aware of my physical reaction. I saw him blush as he began to perspire as well. We both knew what just happened. There was strong sexual chemistry between us.
If you’re wondering if you have strong sexual chemistry with someone, I got you. Here are 12 signs of strong sexual chemistry.
12 Signs of Strong Sexual Chemistry
Prolonged Stares and Eye Contact
Hyper Awareness of Each Other
Blushing
Eagerness for Engagement and Interaction With Each Other
A Strong Desire To Be Physically Close
Flirting
Nervousness Around Each Other
Increased Heart Rate
Butterflies In Your Stomach
Giddiness In Their Presence
Distracted By Their Presence
If you are experiencing many or most of these signs with someone, you have several options on how to proceed. If it’s been a while, it may be time to shoot your shot and let them know how you feel. Or you can ask them how they feel about you. Hopefully you’re reading their vibe correctly.
Or you could suggest you two hang out and do something together. You could get coffee, a cocktail, or engage in an activity you both enjoy. What’s the worse that could happen? Your crazy strong sexual chemistry is worth exploring. Right?
In case you’re not ready or interested in exploring the sexual chemistry, you can always just enjoy the yearning until it fades, if it fades, and go on with your life.
Now I want to hear your stories about how you knew you had strong sexual chemistry with someone and what you did about. What are your thoughts? Please share!
“It was the sexual chemistry I wanted more of. It was electric. I'd forgotten what it was like to be with someone who excited you in every sense of the word, who thrilled and frightened you in equal measure.”
― Lucy Robinson, The Greatest Love Story of All Time
10 Things To Do While Visiting San Diego This Summer
San Diego, California is the perfect spot for families and couples. San Diego is a city on the Pacific coast of California known for its beaches, parks and warm climate. The historical Balboa Park is the site of the renowned San Diego Zoo, as well as numerous art galleries, artist studios, museums and gardens. A deep harbor is home to a large active naval fleet, with the USS Midway, an aircraft-carrier-turned-museum, open to the public.
San Diego Zoo
San Diego Zoo is a world-famous zoo, and one of the biggest draws to San Diego. The San Diego Zoo is a zoo in Balboa Park, San Diego, California, housing 4,000 animals of more than 650 species and subspecies on 100 acres of Balboa Park leased from the City of San Diego. Wikipedia
At the San Diego Zoo you will great exhibits, great food and drinks, and during the summertime, added shows and events. Including nighttime at the Zoo, which has beautiful neon light displays once the sun goes down, music and plenty of entertainment for everyone.
Jaguar at San Diego Zoo
Sea World
Sea World is great place for family fun. SeaWorld San Diego is located in Mission Bay Park, San Diego, California, United States. Owned and operated by SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment, the park is multifaceted, animal-focused marine mammal park, oceanarium, and aquarium—with both indoor and outdoor aquatic exhibits. Wikipedia
Not only does Sea World offer aquatic exhibits and interaction with Marine life, you can also enjoy roller coasters, entertainment, and great food and drinks.
Magellan Penguin at Sea World
USS Midway
The USS Midway Museum is a historical naval aircraft carrier museum located in downtown San Diego, California at Navy Pier. The museum consists of the aircraft carrier Midway. The ship houses an extensive collection of aircraft, many of which were built in Southern California.
Experience naval aviation on the massive and stunning USS Midway. Not only does the USS Midway provide historical information, it’s a cool experience for kids and adults alike. Stand on the flight deck of the Midway and take in the beautiful views of San Diego.
Coronado Island
Coronado is a California resort city on a peninsula in San Diego Bay. It’s known for the grand Victorian Hotel del Coronado, which opened in 1888. Across from the hotel, the wide, flat Coronado Beach draws surfers and sunbathers. Its western stretch includes the leash-free Coronado Dog Beach. The Coronado Ferry Landing has shops, restaurants and a small beach.
The home of one San Diego’s naval bases and aircraft carriers, Coronado is a stunning sight to see. With beautiful beaches, great shopping and restaurants, the walkable Coronado is a great destination for tourist and locals alike. Also on the island is Centennial Park, which offers San Diego skyline views.
Balboa Park
Balboa Park is a 1,200-acre historic urban cultural park in San Diego, California, United States. In addition to open space areas, natural vegetation zones, green belts, gardens, and walking paths, it contains museums, several theaters, and the San Diego Zoo. Wikipedia
One of favorite spots to visit on the weekends is Balboa Park. It makes for a great place to walk, run, and to just enjoy nature. Also, hidden within Balboa Park are the Japanese Friendship Garden. For a small fee, you can enjoy the gardens and museum which celebrate Japanese culture and the friendship between San Diego and its sister city Yokohama.
San Diego Museums
Balboa Park boasts multiple museums that are educational, beautiful, fun, and quirky. Each museum has their own entrance fee or you can purchase a museums pass. Below you will find the museums to choose from.
San Diego Museum of Art
San Diego Natural History Museum
Museum of Us
The New Children’s Museum
San Diego Air and Space Museum
Torrey Pines State Beach
Torrey Pines State Beach is a public beach located in the San Diego, California community of Torrey Pines, south of Del Mar and north of La Jolla. Coastal erosion from the adjacent Torrey Pines State Reserve makes for a picturesque landscape.
You cannot visit San Diego without visiting one of the best beaches in the United States. Torrey Pines State Beach is stunning and provides unique coastal beauty, which is accessible for visitors.
Petco Park
Petco Park is a baseball stadium in Downtown San Diego, California. It is the ballpark of Major League Baseball's San Diego Padres, and has also been used as a venue for concerts, soccer, golf, football, and rugby. The ballpark is located between Seventh and 10th Avenues south of J Street. Wikipedia
San Diego is the proud home of the Padres MLB team. Nothing says summer more than attending a baseball game and if you are going to go to a game, the gorgeous Petco Park is the place you want to be. Great location in downtown San Diego, great food, and a family friendly environment.
Liberty Station
Liberty Station is the former home San Diego’s naval bootcamp. It’s home to stylish bars, restaurants, and boutiques, as well as Liberty Public Market, filled with gourmet eateries and shops. There are also hotels, art galleries and several small museums at Liberty Station.
Liberty Station is a great spot to walk, bike, and dine along the waterfront. Live entertainment, outdoor yoga classes and event miniature golfing can often be found on the grounds.
Old Town
Old Town is a neighborhood of San Diego, California. It is the oldest settled area in San Diego and is the site of the first European settlement in present-day California.
Visiting Old Town is like stepping back in time. You get to enjoy the historical aspects of Old Time while shopping, eating great Mexican food, and exploring the eclectic surroundings.
Craft Brewery
San Diego, California, is widely known as the "Craft Beer Capital of the World". It boasts over 150 independent breweries and is renowned for its innovative and diverse beer scene, particularly its West Coast IPAs. If you are a beer lover, I have a list of my favorite 10 craft breweries in San Diego that you need to give a try.
Ballast Point
Little Miss Brewing
Stone Brewing
Novo Brazil Brewing
North Park Beer Company
AleSmith Brewing
3 Punk Brewing
Pure Project
East Village Brewing
Chula Vista Brewery
The city and county of San Diego has so much to offer any visitor and in my opinion is one of the best places to visit any time of year but especially for a summer vacation.
Tell me, what are your summer plans?
Everything You Need For Fun At The Beach and Pool This Summer
Summer is almost here and I have the perfect recommendations to make your fun in the sun even better. Not sure what you need to make your summertime relaxing and gatherings perfect? This list of ideas has everything from pool floaties to toys, to bathing suit cover ups and blankets. There is sure to be something for everyone to maximize your enjoy.
This floaty collection is super cute and perfect for lounging in a pool with a cool drink in hand.
I love a cover up and this crochet one is perfect for walking from your car to the pool or out to the beach. It elegant, stylish, and provides just the right amount of coverage.
It’s hard to find a large beach mat that will stay put and give you the space you desire while relaxing by the shore but there is no need to look any further with Wekapo beach blanket.
No need to worry about splashing water ruining your music vibes while relaxing by the pool or in your backyard. This waterproof bluetooth speaker is just what you need this summer.
These water toys will provide endless hours of fun in the pool for both kids and adults.
Shoot some hoops or place ring toss in the water or on land with this cute dual purpose basketball hoop.
I love a good tote, especially one that is multiple purpose. This totes is insulated to keep your drinks and snacks cool and is roomy enough for additional accessories. It also comes in a variety of patterns.
These towels are perfect for pool and beach time. We all need large beach towels to dry off with or lounge on this summer.
Me and my daughter never go anywhere in the summer without our handheld fans. These fans are perfect when you are on the go in the warm months or just having temperature control issues.
Protect that beautiful skin while you’re getting your dose of vitamin D with this sun hat that offers UV protection.
There’s nothing like having the best essentials to up your summer game!
From Friends To Lovers: How To Make The Transition
I have always thought that being friends before lovers was the key to long lasting, happy, and healthy relationships. You may have a friend you immediately thought about when you read the blog title but before you go making your friendship awkward, I have some things for you to consider first. Let’s discuss how to transition from friends to lovers.
The Power of Friendship First
A strong foundation makes for a wonderful relationship, and I am a big believer in the benefits of friends-to-lovers relationships. Being friends before lovers usually means you have a strong foundation established. Friendships are based on share interests, commonality, and shared values.
As a friendship develops, you learn how to communicate effectively with each other and to respect boundaries. Great communication and ability to openly and honestly discuss thoughts, feeling, and beliefs are the pillars needed for any long term romantic relationship.
Signs of Potential
In case you are unsure if your friendship has the ability to transition to more, you will need to look for signs of potential. One of the biggest signs that a friendship may be ready to transition to a romantic relationship is increased intimacy, both emotional and physical. You start spending more time alone talking or texting. The increased desire for communication and interaction may be a sign of romantic feelings.
Another sign is mutual physical attraction which may be demonstrated by long stares and prolonged eye contact, as well a frequent touching, even as simple as picking a piece of lint off of their clothes.
And the last big sign is that others think you are a couple because your interactions with one another give off more than just friends vibe.
Navigating the Transition
The transition from friendship to romantic couple can be tricky and uncomfortable to initially discuss because one of you will need to be willing to put yourself out there and ask your friend if they are feeling the same way about you. To transition your friendship you will need clear communication, mutual consent, and to respect boundaries as the relationship dynamics change.
Also, you should openly discuss your desire to explore your romantic connection with your friend and make sure they are comfortable with the relationship change.
Potential Challenges
While there so much potential for everlasting bliss with a transition from friendship to lovers, there are also a lot of challenges and risks involved as well. What if the romantic feelings are one sided and you have read your friend completely wrong? Fear of rejection is normal and one of you may be rejected in this situation for several reasons. The first being a lack of attraction and romantic chemistry on their end. One of may not be romantically attracted to the other and stating so will make things awkward for the both of you.
The second reason for rejection may be because one of you does not want to risk losing your friendship if the romantic relationship fails and therefore would opt to just stay friends.
Both of you will need to decide how to proceed but if one says no, their decision and boundaries will need to be respected and accepted without blame, anger, or resentment if a friendship is to be maintained.
Building a Lasting Connection
I am a romantic and hope two friends who feel that romantic pull are able to make the successful transition from lovers to friends. Three key components for a successful transition are open communication, active listening, and respecting individual needs. Being able to discuss your needs, hopes, desires, and expectations for the new stage in your relationship is paramount its success.
Moving forward in the relationship be sure to pay attention to each other’s emotions and perspective and continue to have fun with one another.
I hope this blog provided some clarity on what to look for and how to make the transition from friends to lovers. In my opinion, friends to lovers make the best relationship. Now, I am not saying that every relationship is destined to turn romantic because beyond the friendship, there needs to be mutual attraction and physical chemistry but having a great friendship with a wonderful person you are attracted to is a great start.
What are your thoughts on friends transitioning to lovers? Any experience with it? Please share your thoughts and stories!
Loving deeply starts with being friends first. - Unknown
8 Shows You Should Be Watching
It’s almost summertime and the perfect time of year to go on vacation or to just get out and about to the beach or the pool. But on those days when it’s just too hot outside, or for the nights you want to stay in, kick back with your favorite streaming service and enjoy some great shows.
I am providing a list of a some new shows, as well as some reality competition shows, and some newly returned shows to indulge in and binge-watch this month. All of these are fun, funny, intense, and just entertaining.
8 Shows To Watch Right Now
The Pitt
The daily lives of healthcare professionals in a Pittsburgh hospital as they juggle personal crises, workplace politics, and the emotional toll of treating critically ill patients, revealing the resilience required in their noble calling.
I cannot recommend The Pitt enough. It is such a great show with intense, realistic medical situations. Season 1 is fifteen episodes and all of them take place on one shift in a Pittsburgh emergency room. You can watch all episodes now on Max.
Black Mirror
Featuring stand-alone dramas -- sharp, suspenseful, satirical tales that explore techno-paranoia -- "Black Mirror" is a contemporary reworking of "The Twilight Zone" with stories that tap into the collective unease about the modern world.
Each Black Mirror episode takes me on an emotional roller coaster. I love that while watching, I never know what is going to happen and where the episode is going. Season 7 just premiered on Netflix.
Pulse
Follows the personal and professional lives of doctors and staff at a busy Miami trauma center.
Pulse is an entertaining, and somewhat soapy medical drama on Netflix. I’m not sure if there will be a season 2 but season one is very binge-worthy.
You
A dangerously charming, intensely obsessive young man goes to extreme measures to insert himself into the lives of those he is transfixed by.
The final chapter of Joe’s murderous life premiered on Netflix on April 24th. You has been twisty turny show that has made me root for the bad guy at times. I won’t spoil the ending but I highly recommend binging all 5 seasons of You on Netflix.
Running Point
Isla Gordon, overlooked her whole life, is appointed President of the LA Waves basketball team, a family business. She aims to prove she was the right choice despite skepticism.
Staring Kate Hudson, this is a fun, fast paced show that you can finish in a day. I watched most of this series while cycling on my Peloton. You can watch Running Point now on Netflix.
Million Dollar Secret
One player starts with $1 million, while 11 others engage in a countrywide pursuit to track and capture them, hoping to claim the cash prize for themselves.
For those who like Traitors, you will enjoy Million Dollar Secret, as it has a similar format. The stakes are high and the game manipulations are fun to watch. You can watch Million Dollar Secret right now on Netflix.
Got To Get Out
Follows contestants living together in a mansion for 10 days while they compete in physical and mental challenges.
With a cast of celebrity reality stars and your everyday person, one million dollars is at stake to those who can escape the house and make it out of the front gates. Got To Get Out is streaming now on Hulu.
G20
Terrorists take over the G20 summit with President Sutton, bringing her governing and military experience to defend her family, company, and the world.
Viola Davis helms this action film and it is a surprising, fun watch. And, yes, I am aware that G20 is a movie, not a show but I found it to be an easy and entertaining watch. You can watch G20 now on Prime Video.
All of the above shows are great choices for a night in or a good binge day. I don’t typically add reality television into my list of recommendations but I think we could all use some low stakes, fun viewing right now. I do no think you will be disappointed.
Please let me know your thoughts on my recommendations. Enjoy!
15 Perfect Finds To Get Your Backyard Summer Ready
Summer is quickly approaching and with that comes great weather, school breaks, barbecues and backyard get togethers. Not sure what you need to make your summertime relaxing and gatherings perfect? I have 15 of my favorite new summer items to make fun in the sun even better. This blog has everything from string lights and candles to games and food storage. Scroll on to find your perfect summer backyard accessories.
Double Hammock
Who doesn’t love laying in a hammock? This hammock is perfect for relaxing in the sun or shade and with room for two.
2. String Lights
Brightown outdoor strings lights give your patio and backyard that little extra something to bring your perfect look together.
3. Solar Garden Lights
These solar garden lights are such a wonderful addition to any garden. They are so pretty.
4. Citronella Candles
I love these candles. They are so pretty and decorative and they work in keeping those pesky bugs away.
5. Rolling Ice Chest
This rolling ice chest cooler is great to have if you love to entertain and spend time in your backyard. Plenty of space for drink and extra storage on the bottom.
6. Large Food Cover
These mesh food covers are perfect for setting up food outside and protecting it from bugs. They are large and easy to transport.
7. Giant Tumble Block
This Tumble Tower Block game is a ton of fun. Your friends and kids will love it.
8. Backyard Bug Control
The one negative of spending time outdoors during the summer is the bugs. Fortunately products like Cutter Backyard Bug Control exists. It works like a charm.
9. Solar String Lights
These strings lights will add beauty and the perfect ambiance to your outdoor space this summer and all year long.
10. Ice Chilled Condiment Caddy
No more having to worry about condiments going bad while sitting outside on warm day. This caddy will keep your food chilled and covered.
11. Bubble Wands
Adults and kids alike will enjoy these big bubble wands.
12. Extra Large Picnic Blanket
The perfect picnic and beach blanket with room for everyone. Plus it’s easy to transport and store.
13. Patio Umbrella Light
This umbrella light will add the perfect amount of brightness and ambiance to your umbrella to light up your table or camping area.
14. Water Resistant Uno Cards
With these water resistant Uno cards, you don’t have to worry about wet hands or sticky fingers. Just wipe the cards off and you are good to go.
15. Marshmallow Roasting Sticks
This is the perfect, multi-purpose roasting stick for everything from marshmallows to hotdogs, and the best part is that they travel easy and are reusable.
The 4 Relationship Attachment Styles... Which Are You?
We all have relationship attachment styles. Do you know yours? Relationship attachment styles, rooted in early childhood experiences, are patterns that influence how we form and maintain relationships in adulthood. The four main styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, each impacting how we approach intimacy, trust, and conflict.
By being aware of your attachment style, you will be better able to recognize and change behaviors that are unhealthy for you. Your attachment style determines the type of partner you choose and how you navigate challenges, conflict, and communication in your relationships.
Here are the 4 attachment styles.
Anxious
The Anxious attachment style is a pattern of insecure attachment characterized by intense fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness and intimacy. A person with Anxious attachment style is constantly thinking about and seeking reassurance from partners. Signs of Anxious attachment style are:
Fear of abandonment
Hyper-sensitivity to criticism
Clingy and needy
Low self-esteem
Struggle with intimacy
Jealous and possessive
Someone with anxious attachment style will be closed off, emotionally, and will struggle to trust others and to open up. They also require constant assurance of their standing with you and lots of validation. This attachment style pushes their partners away with their constant jealousy and clinginess.
Avoidant
The Avoidant attachment style is a style of relating to others that is characterized by a fear of closeness and emotional intimacy. People with this attachment style may have difficulty trusting others and forming deep relationships. Signs of avoidant attachment are:
Denying the need for closeness
Avoiding meaningful social situations
Using excuses to limit interactions with others
Minimizing or suppressing emotions
Withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone
Feeling as though their partners are being clingy
The person with the avoidant attachment style will often be non-committal. They avoid serious relationships and tend to leave when there are signs of feelings growing and emotional attachments. People with this attachment style like to keep their relationships casual and surface.
Disorganized
The Disorganized attachment style is a pattern of relating to others that is characterized by inconsistency and fear. Signs of disorganized attachment are:
Difficulty trusting others
Fear of abandonment
Inconsistent behavior in relationships
Difficulty regulating emotions
Low self-esteem
Anxiety when others want to be close
Depression
Contradictory behaviors
High levels of anxiety
Being in a relationship with someone who had disorganized attachment style will give you whiplash because they are all over the place. They love you; they don’t love. They think you could be the one and then they say they don’t want anything too serious. People with this attachment style tend to be moody and unpredictable.
Secure
The Secure attachment style is characterized by trust, emotional availability, and the ability to maintain healthy boundaries, fostering strong, healthy relationships with comfort in both intimacy and independence. Signs of Secure attachment style are:
Trust
Emotional Availability
Healthy Boundaries
Comfort with Intimacy and Independence:
Effective Communication:
Self-Awareness
Reliability
The secure attachment style is the goal for yourself and your partner. Someone with a secure attachment style has emotional maturity and a healthy communication style that allows for better conflict resolution.
If the goal is for healthier and happier relationships that last, then knowing your attachment and working on the psychology behind why you are the way you are in relationships will help you. It is also helpful to be able to recognize attachment styles in your partner to make a decision about compatibility and if they are in a place mentally and emotionally that would allow for the healthy relationship you desire.
People can work on their attachment style but I recommend doing the work before getting into a relationship.
Now I want to hear from you. Did you figure out your attachment style? Is it what you thought it would be? Please share your thoughts and experience on attachment styles.
9 Red Flags Your Relationship Is Doomed
Red flags often symbolize warnings of danger ahead. Proceed with caution. But what happens when we ignore red flags? They say hindsight is 20/20 and of course, there is a lot of truth in that statement when it comes to relationships. It is that people change or we did not see the potential problems? Or is it more about ignoring or disregarding the red flags you see in someone because you really want to make it work?
The whole point of dating is to get to know the person, find out compatibility, and to flesh out any behaviors or traits that are dealbreakers for you. In a new relationship, you may become so fascinated by your new beau that you start to miss the red flags that you definitely should be looking for. Knowing what signs to be on the lookout for is important, and will ultimately save you a lot of heartache and grief in the long run.
What are the red flags?
So what exactly are red flags and why should you care? Well, red flags are behaviors, words, and past relationship history, which indicate they may not be who they seem to be or that they may not be right for you.
Maybe there are some red flags you can ignore because you don’t find them to be big deals but what about those red flags that are dealbreakers? Here are some red flags that he may exhibit early on that you may choose to ignore and that will likely doom your relationships.
Questionable Employment
Sketchy Relationship History
His Living Situation
Bad Habits
He Has A Temper
He’s Demanding
He’s Childish
He’s Secretive
His Friends Are Jerks
Subtle Signs That Often Go Unnoticed
I think the biggest red flag that is missed early on is controlling behavior. Initially, the controlling behavior is often disguised as being protective but what it is actually about is having control over you. They always need to know where you at, who you are with, and who you are talking to. You are an adult with a job and responsibilities but suddenly you have a leash essentially put on you. An unspoken rule of who you can be friends with and where you can go and how long you can be there. And you go along with it because they have convinced you that they are placing these restrictions on you because they care.
This type of behavior also becomes isolating. You pull away from friends and family because they see what he is doing and they don’t like it.
Importance of Early Identification
It is important to clock a man with red flags early on so as to not waste your time or at the very least allow you to address your concerns with him and set some expectations and boundaries. While every person is different and will have their own mental and emotional baggage they bring to your relationship, there are some common relationship red flags you should not ignore.
Common Relationship Red Flags
There are three common red flags that everyone should be on the lookout for when determining compatibility and whether someone is lifelong partner material.
Lack of communication and active listening
Disrespectful or belittling behavior
Control and manipulation tactics
Overlooking or ignoring these red flags will likely doom your relationship from the start because these are common issues cited by couples in therapy and by those who divorce.
How To Address Red Flags
The first step in addressing red flags in a mate starts with self-reflection. I know that sounds weird but while some red flags are universal, others are unique to each of us based on our needs, wants, likes, and dislikes. You have to ask yourself if the red flag is not a big deal and if it is a dealbreaker. You also need to be honest with yourself about why you are choosing to stay with someone with obvious red flags. Are you minimizing their red flags because you are afraid to be alone or think that you will not find anyone else? Or do you recognize that you have unrealistic expectations of perfection in any potential mate?
Having a strong sense of self and self-worth plays an important role in not only identifying red flags but also how you address them with your partner.
Building Healthy Communication and Boundaries
Poor communication and unhealthy boundaries will doom a relationship early on. To set your relationship up for success you want to:
Have Open and honest communication
Establishing healthy boundaries
Prioritizing individual needs
If you have done all you can to set your relationship up for a happy, successful union and are still finding red flag issues, it may be time to seek couples therapy or just move on. Some people are just not compatible with each other and that’s okay. There are billions of people and someone out there who is a better fit for you than your red flag guy or gal.
It may be tempting to try to change them and give them chance after chance despite their red flags but doing so is not wise or healthy for you. Remember, you have to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being and be honest with yourself even if it means letting go of someone you care for and saw a future with.
Now I want to hear from you. What are your thoughts and experiences in dealing with red flags in romantic relationships? Please share!
If you ignore red flags, embrace the heartbreak to come. - Amanda Mosher
The Science of Attraction and Compatibility
Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to some people and not others? You find him handsome, but your bestie says he is just meh. Or how about the reverse? Why do some guys find it hard to take their eyes off you while others never give you a second glance? Well, science may be able to answer those questions for you. Let’s discuss the science of attraction and compatibility.
The Biology of Attraction
Our biology may play a significant role in determining what physical features we find attractive in others. Pheromones and hormones all play a part in how we view physical symmetry in positive and negative ways when finding mates. A pheromone is a chemical that animals produce, which changes the behavior of another animal of the same species. Pheromones can trigger behaviors, and is known as behavior-altering agents.
Some studies have shown that for humans it’s all about smell. Our olfactory receptors can detect odors and smells on a subconscious level. Smells that you are completely unaware of. Just take a man’s perspiration for example.
By a man’s sweat, a woman may be able to detect a man’s testosterone level, which may make her crave his sperm and want to mate with him. It is a very primal reaction.
Although the pheromone effect in nature is known to trigger behaviors such as fear and mating in animals and insects, the effects on human behavior are more theory and continue to be studied.
The Psychology of Attraction
Have you ever met someone for the first time and been instantly attracted to them? I know I have. But after being around them for a period of time the attraction lessened and in many cases went away altogether. While there have been other times when you have met someone and did not immediately find them attractive, but over time, and after getting to know them, you suddenly find yourself very attracted to them. That is the psychology behind attraction.
Familiarity, proximity, and personal connections all play a role in attraction. Their sense of humor, their intellect, and their kindness all work together to shape how you view them and can contribute to your attraction to them.
Also, as you get to know someone you may find you have shared interests and values and likes and dislikes, which may increase your connection and your attraction to them.
Compatibility Beyond Attraction
Physical attraction is based on physical appearance, and how attractive you find another person. Physical attraction is about a pretty or handsome face, or a nice figure or sexy body. You desire them. You want them. You like the sound of their voice, the way they move their body, and even the way they smell.
Attraction may lead you to someone but compatibility is what will ultimately keep you together and invested in the relationship. Once at this stage, emotional intelligence and emotional compatibility will come into play. Do you want the same things in life and envision a similar future? Do you have effective communication skills? And more importantly, are you two able to discuss and resolve issues? All of these attributes or lack thereof will determine your compatibility.
The Neuroscience of Love
The human brain is extremely powerful and when it comes to love and attraction, the brain does not hold back. The brain gets activated when you find someone attractive. Your pupils dilate and your system will release dopamine giving you a euphoric sensation. It’s a glorious feeling but it will eventually pass.
Once the dopamine highs pass and you have fallen in love, you must continue to build your connection through continuous interactions. Spending time together and sharing experiences grows your connection and your love.
During this time, you will also start to build trust and to feel physically and emotionally safe with your new love. Trust is a crucial element needed for a healthy, lasting relationship.
Finding Your Perfect Match
In order to find the right person for yourself, you need to have a good understanding of who you are, what you want, and what you need in a relationship. Self-awareness is a must. Your ideal man may be six foot two, has washboard abs, and is athletic, but ask yourself if this person is really someone you would be compatible with. Not likely if you are sedentary, love junk food, and hate the idea of going to the gym.
Instead of looking for a mate who is not compatible or attainable for you, focus on finding someone with shared values and interests. Similar lifestyles, values, and goals are key to finding your perfect match. And don’t be shy about being proactive in finding a mate.
Remember, finding love and happiness can be a journey but it will be worth it in the long run. Just be sure to love yourself first, don’t settle, and enjoy the process.
Now that we have discussed the science of attraction and compatibility, please share your thoughts, suggestions, and experience.