The 4 Relationship Attachment Styles... Which Are You?

We all have relationship attachment styles. Do you know yours? Relationship attachment styles, rooted in early childhood experiences, are patterns that influence how we form and maintain relationships in adulthood. The four main styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, each impacting how we approach intimacy, trust, and conflict. 

By being aware of your attachment style, you will be better able to recognize and change behaviors that are unhealthy for you. Your attachment style determines the type of partner you choose and how you navigate challenges, conflict, and communication in your relationships.

Here are the 4 attachment styles.

Anxious

The Anxious attachment style is a pattern of insecure attachment characterized by intense fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness and intimacy. A person with Anxious attachment style is constantly thinking about and seeking reassurance from partners. Signs of Anxious attachment style are:

• Fear of abandonment

• Hyper-sensitivity to criticism

• Clingy and needy

• Low self-esteem 

• Struggle with intimacy

• Jealous and possessive

Someone with anxious attachment style will be closed off, emotionally, and will struggle to trust others and to open up. They also require constant assurance of their standing with you and lots of validation. This attachment style pushes their partners away with their constant jealousy and clinginess.

Avoidant

The Avoidant attachment style is a style of relating to others that is characterized by a fear of closeness and emotional intimacy. People with this attachment style may have difficulty trusting others and forming deep relationships. Signs of avoidant attachment are:

• Denying the need for closeness

• Avoiding meaningful social situations

• Using excuses to limit interactions with others

• Minimizing or suppressing emotions

• Withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone

• Feeling as though their partners are being clingy

The person with the avoidant attachment style will often be non-committal. They avoid serious relationships and tend to leave when there are signs of feelings growing and emotional attachments. People with this attachment style like to keep their relationships casual and surface.

Disorganized

The Disorganized attachment style is a pattern of relating to others that is characterized by inconsistency and fear. Signs of disorganized attachment are:

• Difficulty trusting others

• Fear of abandonment

• Inconsistent behavior in relationships

• Difficulty regulating emotions

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety when others want to be close

• Depression

• Contradictory behaviors

• High levels of anxiety

Being in a relationship with someone who had disorganized attachment style will give you whiplash because they are all over the place. They love you; they don’t love. They think you could be the one and then they say they don’t want anything too serious. People with this attachment style tend to be moody and unpredictable.

Secure

The Secure attachment style is characterized by trust, emotional availability, and the ability to maintain healthy boundaries, fostering strong, healthy relationships with comfort in both intimacy and independence. Signs of Secure attachment style are:

• Trust

• Emotional Availability 

• Healthy Boundaries

• Comfort with Intimacy and Independence:

• Effective Communication:

• Self-Awareness

• Reliability

The secure attachment style is the goal for yourself and your partner. Someone with a secure attachment style has emotional maturity and a healthy communication style that allows for better conflict resolution.

If the goal is for healthier and happier relationships that last, then knowing your attachment and working on the psychology behind why you are the way you are in relationships will help you. It is also helpful to be able to recognize attachment styles in your partner to make a decision about compatibility and if they are in a place mentally and emotionally that would allow for the healthy relationship you desire.

People can work on their attachment style but I recommend doing the work before getting into a relationship.

Now I want to hear from you. Did you figure out your attachment style? Is it what you thought it would be? Please share your thoughts and experience on attachment styles.