The 4 Relationship Attachment Styles... Which Are You?

We all have relationship attachment styles. Do you know yours? Relationship attachment styles, rooted in early childhood experiences, are patterns that influence how we form and maintain relationships in adulthood. The four main styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, each impacting how we approach intimacy, trust, and conflict. 

By being aware of your attachment style, you will be better able to recognize and change behaviors that are unhealthy for you. Your attachment style determines the type of partner you choose and how you navigate challenges, conflict, and communication in your relationships.

Here are the 4 attachment styles.

Anxious

The Anxious attachment style is a pattern of insecure attachment characterized by intense fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness and intimacy. A person with Anxious attachment style is constantly thinking about and seeking reassurance from partners. Signs of Anxious attachment style are:

• Fear of abandonment

• Hyper-sensitivity to criticism

• Clingy and needy

• Low self-esteem 

• Struggle with intimacy

• Jealous and possessive

Someone with anxious attachment style will be closed off, emotionally, and will struggle to trust others and to open up. They also require constant assurance of their standing with you and lots of validation. This attachment style pushes their partners away with their constant jealousy and clinginess.

Avoidant

The Avoidant attachment style is a style of relating to others that is characterized by a fear of closeness and emotional intimacy. People with this attachment style may have difficulty trusting others and forming deep relationships. Signs of avoidant attachment are:

• Denying the need for closeness

• Avoiding meaningful social situations

• Using excuses to limit interactions with others

• Minimizing or suppressing emotions

• Withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone

• Feeling as though their partners are being clingy

The person with the avoidant attachment style will often be non-committal. They avoid serious relationships and tend to leave when there are signs of feelings growing and emotional attachments. People with this attachment style like to keep their relationships casual and surface.

Disorganized

The Disorganized attachment style is a pattern of relating to others that is characterized by inconsistency and fear. Signs of disorganized attachment are:

• Difficulty trusting others

• Fear of abandonment

• Inconsistent behavior in relationships

• Difficulty regulating emotions

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety when others want to be close

• Depression

• Contradictory behaviors

• High levels of anxiety

Being in a relationship with someone who had disorganized attachment style will give you whiplash because they are all over the place. They love you; they don’t love. They think you could be the one and then they say they don’t want anything too serious. People with this attachment style tend to be moody and unpredictable.

Secure

The Secure attachment style is characterized by trust, emotional availability, and the ability to maintain healthy boundaries, fostering strong, healthy relationships with comfort in both intimacy and independence. Signs of Secure attachment style are:

• Trust

• Emotional Availability 

• Healthy Boundaries

• Comfort with Intimacy and Independence:

• Effective Communication:

• Self-Awareness

• Reliability

The secure attachment style is the goal for yourself and your partner. Someone with a secure attachment style has emotional maturity and a healthy communication style that allows for better conflict resolution.

If the goal is for healthier and happier relationships that last, then knowing your attachment and working on the psychology behind why you are the way you are in relationships will help you. It is also helpful to be able to recognize attachment styles in your partner to make a decision about compatibility and if they are in a place mentally and emotionally that would allow for the healthy relationship you desire.

People can work on their attachment style but I recommend doing the work before getting into a relationship.

Now I want to hear from you. Did you figure out your attachment style? Is it what you thought it would be? Please share your thoughts and experience on attachment styles.

9 Red Flags Your Relationship Is Doomed

Red flags often symbolize warnings of danger ahead. Proceed with caution. But what happens when we ignore red flags? They say hindsight is 20/20 and of course, there is a lot of truth in that statement when it comes to relationships. It is that people change or we did not see the potential problems? Or is it more about ignoring or disregarding the red flags you see in someone because you really want to make it work?

The whole point of dating is to get to know the person, find out compatibility, and to flesh out any behaviors or traits that are dealbreakers for you. In a new relationship, you may become so fascinated by your new beau that you start to miss the red flags that you definitely should be looking for. Knowing what signs to be on the lookout for is important, and will ultimately save you a lot of heartache and grief in the long run.

What are the red flags?

So what exactly are red flags and why should you care? Well, red flags are behaviors, words, and past relationship history, which indicate they may not be who they seem to be or that they may not be right for you.

Maybe there are some red flags you can ignore because you don’t find them to be big deals but what about those red flags that are dealbreakers? Here are some red flags that he may exhibit early on that you may choose to ignore and that will likely doom your relationships.

• Questionable Employment

• Sketchy Relationship History

• His Living Situation

• Bad Habits

• He Has A Temper

• He’s Demanding

• He’s Childish

• He’s Secretive

• His Friends Are Jerks

Subtle Signs That Often Go Unnoticed

I think the biggest red flag that is missed early on is controlling behavior. Initially, the controlling behavior is often disguised as being protective but what it is actually about is having control over you. They always need to know where you at, who you are with, and who you are talking to. You are an adult with a job and responsibilities but suddenly you have a leash essentially put on you. An unspoken rule of who you can be friends with and where you can go and how long you can be there. And you go along with it because they have convinced you that they are placing these restrictions on you because they care.

This type of behavior also becomes isolating. You pull away from friends and family because they see what he is doing and they don’t like it.

Importance of Early Identification

It is important to clock a man with red flags early on so as to not waste your time or at the very least allow you to address your concerns with him and set some expectations and boundaries. While every person is different and will have their own mental and emotional baggage they bring to your relationship, there are some common relationship red flags you should not ignore.

Common Relationship Red Flags

There are three common red flags that everyone should be on the lookout for when determining compatibility and whether someone is lifelong partner material.

• Lack of communication and active listening

• Disrespectful or belittling behavior

• Control and manipulation tactics

Overlooking or ignoring these red flags will likely doom your relationship from the start because these are common issues cited by couples in therapy and by those who divorce.

How To Address Red Flags

The first step in addressing red flags in a mate starts with self-reflection. I know that sounds weird but while some red flags are universal, others are unique to each of us based on our needs, wants, likes, and dislikes. You have to ask yourself if the red flag is not a big deal and if it is a dealbreaker. You also need to be honest with yourself about why you are choosing to stay with someone with obvious red flags. Are you minimizing their red flags because you are afraid to be alone or think that you will not find anyone else? Or do you recognize that you have unrealistic expectations of perfection in any potential mate?

Having a strong sense of self and self-worth plays an important role in not only identifying red flags but also how you address them with your partner.

Building Healthy Communication and Boundaries

Poor communication and unhealthy boundaries will doom a relationship early on. To set your relationship up for success you want to:

Have Open and honest communication

Establishing healthy boundaries

Prioritizing individual needs

If you have done all you can to set your relationship up for a happy, successful union and are still finding red flag issues, it may be time to seek couples therapy or just move on. Some people are just not compatible with each other and that’s okay. There are billions of people and someone out there who is a better fit for you than your red flag guy or gal.

It may be tempting to try to change them and give them chance after chance despite their red flags but doing so is not wise or healthy for you. Remember, you have to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being and be honest with yourself even if it means letting go of someone you care for and saw a future with.

Now I want to hear from you. What are your thoughts and experiences in dealing with red flags in romantic relationships? Please share!

If you ignore red flags, embrace the heartbreak to come. - Amanda Mosher

The Science of Attraction and Compatibility

Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to some people and not others? You find him handsome, but your bestie says he is just meh. Or how about the reverse? Why do some guys find it hard to take their eyes off you while others never give you a second glance? Well, science may be able to answer those questions for you. Let’s discuss the science of attraction and compatibility.

The Biology of Attraction

Our biology may play a significant role in determining what physical features we find attractive in others. Pheromones and hormones all play a part in how we view physical symmetry in positive and negative ways when finding mates. A pheromone is a chemical that animals produce, which changes the behavior of another animal of the same species. Pheromones can trigger behaviors, and is known as behavior-altering agents.

Some studies have shown that for humans it’s all about smell. Our olfactory receptors can detect odors and smells on a subconscious level. Smells that you are completely unaware of. Just take a man’s perspiration for example.

By a man’s sweat, a woman may be able to detect a man’s testosterone level, which may make her crave his sperm and want to mate with him. It is a very primal reaction.

Although the pheromone effect in nature is known to trigger behaviors such as fear and mating in animals and insects, the effects on human behavior are more theory and continue to be studied.

The Psychology of Attraction

Have you ever met someone for the first time and been instantly attracted to them? I know I have. But after being around them for a period of time the attraction lessened and in many cases went away altogether. While there have been other times when you have met someone and did not immediately find them attractive, but over time, and after getting to know them, you suddenly find yourself very attracted to them. That is the psychology behind attraction.

Familiarity, proximity, and personal connections all play a role in attraction. Their sense of humor, their intellect, and their kindness all work together to shape how you view them and can contribute to your attraction to them.

Also, as you get to know someone you may find you have shared interests and values and likes and dislikes, which may increase your connection and your attraction to them.

Compatibility Beyond Attraction

Physical attraction is based on physical appearance, and how attractive you find another person. Physical attraction is about a pretty or handsome face, or a nice figure or sexy body. You desire them. You want them. You like the sound of their voice, the way they move their body, and even the way they smell.

Attraction may lead you to someone but compatibility is what will ultimately keep you together and invested in the relationship. Once at this stage, emotional intelligence and emotional compatibility will come into play. Do you want the same things in life and envision a similar future? Do you have effective communication skills? And more importantly, are you two able to discuss and resolve issues? All of these attributes or lack thereof will determine your compatibility.

The Neuroscience of Love

The human brain is extremely powerful and when it comes to love and attraction, the brain does not hold back. The brain gets activated when you find someone attractive. Your pupils dilate and your system will release dopamine giving you a euphoric sensation. It’s a glorious feeling but it will eventually pass.

Once the dopamine highs pass and you have fallen in love, you must continue to build your connection through continuous interactions. Spending time together and sharing experiences grows your connection and your love.

During this time, you will also start to build trust and to feel physically and emotionally safe with your new love. Trust is a crucial element needed for a healthy, lasting relationship.

Finding Your Perfect Match

In order to find the right person for yourself, you need to have a good understanding of who you are, what you want, and what you need in a relationship. Self-awareness is a must. Your ideal man may be six foot two, has washboard abs, and is athletic, but ask yourself if this person is really someone you would be compatible with. Not likely if you are sedentary, love junk food, and hate the idea of going to the gym.

Instead of looking for a mate who is not compatible or attainable for you, focus on finding someone with shared values and interests. Similar lifestyles, values, and goals are key to finding your perfect match. And don’t be shy about being proactive in finding a mate.

Remember, finding love and happiness can be a journey but it will be worth it in the long run. Just be sure to love yourself first, don’t settle, and enjoy the process.

Now that we have discussed the science of attraction and compatibility, please share your thoughts, suggestions, and experience.

5 Signs He’s Not Over His Ex

Everyone has a past, and everyone has an ex. Starting a relationship with someone whose past is still very present in their thoughts and heart is a recipe for heartbreak. I do not think there is anything wrong with maintaining a cordial relationship with an ex, especially if you share children or a friend circle. However, I also believe it is important to ensure that your current love is over their ex-love to avoid disappointment and pain.

5 Signs He’s Not Over His Ex

He Talks About Her A Lot

Sometimes his inner thoughts will leak out. The ex and their former relationship may frequently be present. If an ex is a constant topic of discussion, that is a red flag that feelings for that person may still be there. Even if the talk about her is negative, it is indicative that his ex is constantly on his mind, and he is not over her.

He Compares You To Her

No one wants to be compared to anyone else, but a man still harboring feelings for his ex will do it subconsciously and sometimes let the thoughts come out of his mouth. For example, you two go on a trip together and he compares and contrast how different you are from her and how she was always when traveling.

He Relives Their Relationship With You

He takes you to the same places he took her. She loved Hawaii and he seems to always want to go there. She was adventurous and mentions that you when decline to go rock climbing, which was one of her favorite activities.

He’s Still Friends With Her

There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, but your boyfriend being too chummy with the ex he once considered his soulmate, is dangerous. With this relationship, feelings may still be there for one or both of them and it would not likely take much for things to reignite.

She’s A Priority

If she calls, he will go running for the smallest thing. If her dog runs off, he is off searching for it. She had a bad day, he is off to comfort her even if that means blowing off plans with you to be there for her. Just to be clear, you should be the priority, not the ex.

Not all relationships with an ex are the same. The how and why they broke up matter. Did she cheat on him? Was he against the breakup and tried to get back with her in the past? It also matters how long they were together and how serious they were. Were they talking marriage and kids? Was his family close to her? All things to keep in mind, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a dealbreaker.

Now I want to hear from you. Have you ever experienced this situation? What did you do? Maybe you’re the ex in this case. Please share!

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together."