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How To Determine Relationship Compatibility
Finding the right mate, or the “one” can feel like a daunting task to say the least. If you have been in the dating scene for a while, or have had several or many relationships over the years, you may be wondering why the relationships don’t work out.
As the old saying goes, “you will have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince”. While I do agree with the overall concept that you may need to meet a lot of different men to find the right one, I don’t think you will necessary need to date, kiss, or sleep with them all to find out if they are the right one, unless of course you want to.
Compatibility can be determined pretty early on and good conversation will usually help you figure it out.
How To Determine Compatibility
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Ask Questions
There are many questions you need answers to if you really want to determine compatibility. All questions do not need to be asked and answered on a first date, but over time you definitely need to peel back the onion and find out where they stand on some really big issues, but also some smaller issues as well.
You will want to know about their thoughts on marriage and family. Do they expect their spouse to work or stay home. Do they want kids? How many and how far into the relationship? Where do they ultimately want to live and retire? And the big one is their relationship with money. Are they a spender or a saver? And of course what role will religion play in your lives and the lives of your children.
Do Things Together
Ideally you meet your mate while participating in an activity you are both very interested in, but if you don’t you will want to find common interests. If you love to read, it may not be a requirement but it is nice to have a partner who also enjoys reading and discussing books they have read.
If you are a very intellectual, critical thinker, you will not be compatible with someone you might describe as not very smart, and you definitely won’t be able to respect them.
If you are into fitness or the outdoors, you will want to try out these activities together. While you do not have to work out together, being able to enjoy activities together that interest you both will keep you bonded.
Meet Family and Friends
People from similar backgrounds tend to be more compatible. Of course, different upbringings doesn’t necessarily need to be a deal breaker, but it does make relatability and the understanding of points of view more challenging. Similar upbringings also plays a big role in how you view marriage, family, and especially how to raise children.
It is important to be open minded but also realistic in choosing a partner from a different background.
Kiss/Sleep Together
Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are extremely important to a relationship. I am not encouraging anyone to sleep around, and I understand that for some this is a moral issue, but ask yourself how many things do you purchase without sampling? If you knew you couldn’t return something would you still buy it?
Well, I look at selecting a partner the same way. Sexual compatibility is very important. For long term happiness and fulfillment you want to have an enjoyable sex life, and if you didn’t know what you were getting into, you were taking a gamble that may or may not pay off.
In all honesty, you can force and make just about any relationship work if you are determined to. But if you want to be happy and fulfilled for the long run you will want to be with someone you are truly compatible with.
We are who we are, and while we change some over the years, we also stay very much the same, so hoping someone will change and become more of who you want them to be is wishful thinking. It is better to choose someone you are compatible with, than to try to change someone to fit your mental, emotional, and sexual needs.
What are your thoughts on compatibility? How important do you think it is to relationship longevity and happiness? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“Research shows that couples who have a lot of similarities, including intellectual compatibility, end up staying together.” - Helen Fisher
6 Signs You Have Outgrown Your Relationship
As the years go by, we grow and we change. Our wants and desires from 10 years ago may be vastly different than what they are today. It is inevitable. Life happens, priorities change, and as we gain insight and knowledge, our world view changes as well.
Unfortunately, sometimes our growth can negatively impact relationships in our lives, especially romantic relationships. The guy or girl that you were at 25 is not the same person at 35. You basically outgrow people in your life, including romantic partners.
If you are reading this, chances are you have already realized that you have outgrown your partner, but are looking for some definitive signs. Here are the six signs that you have outgrown your relationship.
6 Signs You Have Outgrown Your Relationship
Your Priorities Are Different
She is an ambitious, career focused money saver, while he prefers to focus on his hobbies, spend money like there is a never ending pot of money, and bounces from job to job. While once on the same page, one person has grown and become focused, while the other partner has become stagnant.
Your Interests Are Different
He is a political junkie and a huge Star Wars fan, while she is into reality television and fashion. He wants to talk about the upcoming election, and she is not even a registered voter. There is a problem here.
At some point these two people became polar opposites, and started to lack commonality. One is interested in world events, while the other is interested in looking cute and taking selfies.
Nothing To Talk About
You know that you have outgrown each other when you really have nothing to talk about, or it is the same old stories over and over.
It important to recognize that you have nothing to talk about because you have nothing in common, and you have nothing in common because you have outgrown each other.
You’re Bored
If you find your partner boring, you have outgrown them. The truth is that you find them boring because you now share different interests, are on a different intellectual levels, and no commonality any longer.
Different Values
Once upon a time you were both drinkers and into going out a lot. Now she’s a homebody, but he still likes to drink and go out a lot. She also likes to attend church, but he is a non believer.
Lifestyle and differing religious beliefs are big changes that happen as we grow and mature.
Different Goals
His goal is to have a nice family life with a few kids, while her goal is retire by 50 and then travel world. She doesn’t see kids in her future, and views them as a burden, while he sees children as a blessing.
It is hard to admit to yourself that you have outgrown your relationship without sounding like you are criticizing your partner or being judgey, but it is what it is. You should not feel guilty because you have grown and changed, especially if your growth has been for the better.
What are your thoughts on outgrowing relationships? Do you agree with the signs? When you outgrow a relationship do you stick it out or move on? Please share your experience!
“Sometimes the door closes on a relationship, not because we failed but because something bigger than us says this no longer fits our life. So, lock the door, shed a tear, turn around and look for the new door that’s opened. It’s a sign that you’re no longer that person you were, it’s time to change into who you are. It’s going to be okay.” - Lee Goff
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Opposite Attraction...Here's Why The Relationships Will And Won't Work
As the saying goes opposites attract, but that really isn't where the story ends. What comes next after the initial attraction? Boy meets girl, and girl is so different from him, from everything he knows. He is fascinated by her. He has to have her, and wants to love her forever. Ah so sweet.
Fairytales are lovely, but quite unrealistic. In fairytales they always live happily ever after, but how could that be? Fairytales are the epitome of opposites attracting. What in the world could Cinderella and Prince Charming possibly have in common? And don't even get me started on Ariel and Eric?
From my point of view these relationships are doomed, but perhaps I am being too pessimistic. Opposites relationships can work, but how do we define working? For some, they consider a relationship working based on sheer time. I disagree with that philosophy.
I say choose quality over quantity any day. Who cares if a marriages lasts 30 years, when the couple was miserable for the past 25 years?
Here's Why It Will Work
Fascinated By Each Other
When people are physically attracted to an opposite, we tend to be fascinated by them. We find the differences adorable. We also tend to ignore the possible obstacles the relationship can bring, and focus on the possibilities instead.
Trying New Things
The great thing about dating your opposite is that they will introduce you to new things. We are more open, and willing in the early stages of relationships to do or try something new or different. With trying new things comes the possibility that you may actually find that you like things you never would have tried or thought about doing.
Passionate
Due to the fascination and newness of getting to know one another, the relationship tends to be very passionate. You cannot get enough of one another, both in and outside of the bedroom.
Working Hard
We recognize that we are with someone different and that to make both parties happy, we work hard to compromise and find common ground.
Here's Why It Won't Work
Newness Wears Off
Once a relationship hits the year mark it is no longer new. Some of the fascination has faded, and you have identified some of the differences that you do not like.
Nothing In Common
The big downside in opposite relationships is that you have very little, if anything at all, in common. Once you become comfortable in your relationship you may start to compromise less, and not be as willing to do things you have no interest in doing.
Bored
Unfortunately this relationship can become stale after a while. The willingness to compromise fades somewhat, and it can be hard to agree on activities to do together that you can both truly enjoy.
You start to long for a partner that you don't have to convince to join you on a bike ride, or for a movie you have been looking forward to seeing.
Differences Become A Source Of Irritation
Early in the relationship you didn't consider it a big deal that they weren't well read, or wasn't into fitness like you, but after a while it starts to annoy you. It's no longer cute that you have to explain world events to them, or that they hate to exercise.
Opposites can make it work, but they need to work harder than most due to the lack of commonality. Having similar interests and hobbies is what will keep a relationship going as the relationship experiences natural ups and downs.
Two book lovers should have no problem chatting about great books they have read. A couple that loves the outdoors can go camping, hiking, and fishing together without there being complaints the whole time.
No one can be any one person's everything. Of course we should have friends outside of our relationships that we do things with without our partner. However, having a partner that is your opposite will have many challenges. These challenges are not about age or race, but more about our fundamental desires for happiness and joy, and how we define that.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever dated an opposite? How did it work out? Please share!