Finding the right mate, or the “one” can feel like a daunting task to say the least. If you have been in the dating scene for a while, or have had several or many relationships over the years, you may be wondering why the relationships don’t work out.

As the old saying goes, “you will have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince”. While I do agree with the overall concept that you may need to meet a lot of different men to find the right one, I don’t think you will necessary need to date, kiss, or sleep with them all to find out if they are the right one, unless of course you want to.

Compatibility can be determined pretty early on and good conversation will usually help you figure it out.

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How To Determine Compatibility

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Ask Questions

There are many questions you need answers to if you really want to determine compatibility. All questions do not need to be asked and answered on a first date, but over time you definitely need to peel back the onion and find out where they stand on some really big issues, but also some smaller issues as well.

You will want to know about their thoughts on marriage and family. Do they expect their spouse to work or stay home. Do they want kids? How many and how far into the relationship? Where do they ultimately want to live and retire? And the big one is their relationship with money. Are they a spender or a saver? And of course what role will religion play in your lives and the lives of your children.

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Do Things Together

Ideally you meet your mate while participating in an activity you are both very interested in, but if you don’t you will want to find common interests. If you love to read, it may not be a requirement but it is nice to have a partner who also enjoys reading and discussing books they have read.

If you are a very intellectual, critical thinker, you will not be compatible with someone you might describe as not very smart, and you definitely won’t be able to respect them.

If you are into fitness or the outdoors, you will want to try out these activities together. While you do not have to work out together, being able to enjoy activities together that interest you both will keep you bonded.

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Meet Family and Friends

People from similar backgrounds tend to be more compatible. Of course, different upbringings doesn’t necessarily need to be a deal breaker, but it does make relatability and the understanding of points of view more challenging. Similar upbringings also plays a big role in how you view marriage, family, and especially how to raise children.

It is important to be open minded but also realistic in choosing a partner from a different background.

Kiss/Sleep Together

Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are extremely important to a relationship. I am not encouraging anyone to sleep around, and I understand that for some this is a moral issue, but ask yourself how many things do you purchase without sampling? If you knew you couldn’t return something would you still buy it?

Well, I look at selecting a partner the same way. Sexual compatibility is very important. For long term happiness and fulfillment you want to have an enjoyable sex life, and if you didn’t know what you were getting into, you were taking a gamble that may or may not pay off.

In all honesty, you can force and make just about any relationship work if you are determined to. But if you want to be happy and fulfilled for the long run you will want to be with someone you are truly compatible with.

We are who we are, and while we change some over the years, we also stay very much the same, so hoping someone will change and become more of who you want them to be is wishful thinking. It is better to choose someone you are compatible with, than to try to change someone to fit your mental, emotional, and sexual needs.

What are your thoughts on compatibility? How important do you think it is to relationship longevity and happiness? Please share your thoughts and experience!

“Research shows that couples who have a lot of similarities, including intellectual compatibility, end up staying together.” - Helen Fisher