How To Determine Relationship Compatibility

Finding the right mate, or the “one” can feel like a daunting task to say the least. If you have been in the dating scene for a while, or have had several or many relationships over the years, you may be wondering why the relationships don’t work out.

As the old saying goes, “you will have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince”. While I do agree with the overall concept that you may need to meet a lot of different men to find the right one, I don’t think you will necessary need to date, kiss, or sleep with them all to find out if they are the right one, unless of course you want to.

Compatibility can be determined pretty early on and good conversation will usually help you figure it out.

How To Determine Compatibility

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Ask Questions

There are many questions you need answers to if you really want to determine compatibility. All questions do not need to be asked and answered on a first date, but over time you definitely need to peel back the onion and find out where they stand on some really big issues, but also some smaller issues as well.

You will want to know about their thoughts on marriage and family. Do they expect their spouse to work or stay home. Do they want kids? How many and how far into the relationship? Where do they ultimately want to live and retire? And the big one is their relationship with money. Are they a spender or a saver? And of course what role will religion play in your lives and the lives of your children.

Do Things Together

Ideally you meet your mate while participating in an activity you are both very interested in, but if you don’t you will want to find common interests. If you love to read, it may not be a requirement but it is nice to have a partner who also enjoys reading and discussing books they have read.

If you are a very intellectual, critical thinker, you will not be compatible with someone you might describe as not very smart, and you definitely won’t be able to respect them.

If you are into fitness or the outdoors, you will want to try out these activities together. While you do not have to work out together, being able to enjoy activities together that interest you both will keep you bonded.

Meet Family and Friends

People from similar backgrounds tend to be more compatible. Of course, different upbringings doesn’t necessarily need to be a deal breaker, but it does make relatability and the understanding of points of view more challenging. Similar upbringings also plays a big role in how you view marriage, family, and especially how to raise children.

It is important to be open minded but also realistic in choosing a partner from a different background.

Kiss/Sleep Together

Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are extremely important to a relationship. I am not encouraging anyone to sleep around, and I understand that for some this is a moral issue, but ask yourself how many things do you purchase without sampling? If you knew you couldn’t return something would you still buy it?

Well, I look at selecting a partner the same way. Sexual compatibility is very important. For long term happiness and fulfillment you want to have an enjoyable sex life, and if you didn’t know what you were getting into, you were taking a gamble that may or may not pay off.

In all honesty, you can force and make just about any relationship work if you are determined to. But if you want to be happy and fulfilled for the long run you will want to be with someone you are truly compatible with.

We are who we are, and while we change some over the years, we also stay very much the same, so hoping someone will change and become more of who you want them to be is wishful thinking. It is better to choose someone you are compatible with, than to try to change someone to fit your mental, emotional, and sexual needs.

What are your thoughts on compatibility? How important do you think it is to relationship longevity and happiness? Please share your thoughts and experience!

“Research shows that couples who have a lot of similarities, including intellectual compatibility, end up staying together.” - Helen Fisher

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Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?...5 Signs You Don't Know Your Partner

New relationships feel amazing. New love is intoxicating. If I could bottle and sell the feelings evoked by new love I would be a billionaire. But like many things bottled, if cannot stay in there forever, and can become weaker and faint over time.

If you have been together for a short while, let’s say less than six months and you are ready to move in together and maybe even get married then you may be moving too fast. Here are the signs to look for if you or those close to you think you may need to slow things down.

5 Signs Your Relationship Is Moving Too Fast

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They Seem Almost Perfect

So let’s be clear, no one is perfect. If your new love seems perfect then they are either hiding their true character from you, or you are allowing yourself to be blinded by lust and emotions. You are in the romantic, can’t get enough of each other stages.

Relationships is the early stage feel the best because they are not based in reality and exist almost in a bubble. There’s no real history between the two of you. There is no turmoil, no frustrations. Just excitement and newness. Once the newness wears off, do you think you will truly know the person you are with?

You Don’t Know How They Handle Stress Or Difficult Situations

Life is stressful and the unexpected happens. In the early stages of relationships people will wear masks and put their best foot forward, however we all have a bad side. Some bad sides are worse than others.

Nothing will test a relationship and show you someone’s bad side, or best side for that matter, like dealing with professional stresses, financial issues, or emotional stress, crisis, or loss. If you don’t know how they handle life struggles firsthand, then you don’t know them.

You Don’t Feel Comfortable Discussing Certain Topics With Them

Topics like religion and politics are hot button issues for many people, but especially for people who do not know each other well and are not completely comfortable with each other

Do you know how your partner feels about recreational drug use, organized religion, or abortion? Whether you agree with each other or agree to disagree on the topics, you should know where they stand if you are planning a future together.

You Don’t Know Much About Their Past

They are so great, yet they’re single. Why did they get divorced or why have they never been married? Your partner’s past may give you somewhat valuable information about what you can expect in your future together.

Did they have domestic violence issues with an ex or jealous controlling tendencies? Are they a deadbeat dad or have they declared bankruptcy? If you cannot answer these questions with certainty you do not know your partner.

You Don’t Know Their Family

To understand someone you need to know where they come from and where they have been. Have you met their parents? What is their relationship like with their parents? Are they close? Is the relationship respectful? It matters for many reasons.

Will your relationship require approval of their family? What does your partner’s family have to say about their exes. Remember, if this person is going to be part of your future then their family will be your family as well. Get to know them.

At the end of the day we all have to decide what’s best for us. Love can make us foolish and you cannot tell a fool anything. I recommend you ask yourself what’s the rush? Is this your MO? Is this their MO?

Are you repeating a bad pattern of fast tracking a relationship only to be disappointed and let down in the end? If you want this relationship to work and be different, then do something different. Slow it down, take your time, and don’t let emotions rule you. You can be a romantic and smart about your heart too.

What are your thoughts on moving too fast in a relationship? Do you tend to take it slow or go head first into any relationship? Do you think there is a specific timeline that is appropriate for moving in or getting married? Please share your thoughts and experience!

“Moving too fast in a relationship is like putting delicate clothes in a hot dryer. Things will heat up fast but permanent damage will be done and it will be hard or possibly impossible to fix.” - Brian Zillnek

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Unrequited Love...5 Things You Need To Do When You Have A Crush

Unrequited love is the feeling of being head over heels, hopelessly in love with someone who cannot or will not return the love. The object of love may be unaware, and completely oblivious to the love directed at them. Or they may be very aware of the feelings for them, and completely uninterested and rejecting the affection.

When I think of unrequited love, I often think in the terms of school girls crushes. School girl crushes are usually sweet, but can be obsessive.

At a young age it can hard to convey feelings, and read the object of your love to know where you stand. Surprisingly, or perhaps not so surprising, is the fact that unrequited love situations do not end with teenage angst.

5 Things To Do

Test The Waters

Love from afar is cute, but it doesn't get the guy. You have to get in there, do some flirting, and see what response you get. I am going to make the assumption that if you believe that you are in love with someone, then chances are you want to be with them.

Test the waters by making your feelings more obvious. You have been hiding your feelings, maybe too well, and they may be completely clueless about how you feel, and where they stand with you.

Confess Your Feelings

There are few things scarier than putting yourself out there and confessing how you feel to someone when you have no idea where you stand with them. Some people are terrible at picking up on clues. If you are not sure that they know how you feel, tell them.

What if they feel the same way? What if they have been in love with you from afar as well? Take a risk, be brave, and be honest. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

Move On

After you have confessed your feelings, and the response was less than positive, you have to start to move on. It will be hard at first, maybe even feel impossible after all the time you have spent fantasizing about a future together, but letting go is a must.

It's not going to happen. Sounds harsh, right? Just remember there are plenty of men out there, and believe it or not, you will fall in love again, and be happy, but not if you continue to waste time on "not the one".

Give It Time

With unrequited love, we see all perfection and not the flaws. We are all flawed, but once we place someone on a pedestal, not only do we fail to see the real them, they also become out of reach.

Eventually, over time, as your feelings fade you will see the real them. Not that they should be viewed as a horrible person because they didn't return your feelings, but it is okay to recognize and acknowledge their imperfections.

Analyze

Unrequited love situations can happen, but they shouldn't happen to any one person all of the time. It is important to make sure that you don't have a pattern of falling for people who can't or won't return your love, or are somehow unavailable.

If this is the case, it is important to recognize the pattern, and break it. It's not healthy.

There is a sweetness to unrequited love, but there is also a lot of sadness. It can be hard to see the reality, when your love existed in a perfect vacuum of hopes, dreams, and fantasies. 

I look back on the two times I had huge crushes on guys in high school. It was unrequited, they were older, and unavailable. I later had an opportunity with both guys. The first guy turned out to make a better friend than anything else.

The second guy revealed himself to be a no good guy while trying to hit on me years after my crush, but that's a story for another blog.

My experience has been that the guys later regretted missing out on the girl with the crush, but too little too late as I had moved on, and my feelings were gone. I suppose if it was real love it would have stayed. 

What is your experience with unrequited love? Did you confess your feelings? Did you get the guy? Did you ever get over it? Please share!

To want and not to have, sent all of her body a hardness, a hollowness, a strain. And then to want and not to have - to want and want - how that wrung her heart, and wrung it again and again. - Virginia Woolf

Photo by Matheus Bertelli from Pexels

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