Cushioning....The Back Up Plan In Case Your Relationship Doesn't Work Out

Cushioning is the Plan B guy or girl kept waiting in the wings in case your current relationship doesn't work out. Here's a hint, if you have a plan b guy or girl, or someone waiting in the wings, your relationship is ultimately NOT going to work out.

If you have been cushioning, you are not 100 percent invested in the person you are with, or that relationship, and probably should find someone you feel more passionate about.

Cushioning is really just a new term for an age old relationship tactic. The relationship behavior is called cushioning because it is the fall back plan. A safe landing spot so to speak, so you are not left out there completely on your own when you break up or divorce. 

While I always believe in having a plan A, B, C, for most things in life, I never once considered having other romantic partners as part of a back up plan. You are either in and committed, or you are out and want to move on.

Cushioning can be done by having an emotional affair, flirting and texting, or it can be with outright sex and cheating. I say outright cheating because each person has their own definition of what they consider to be cheating in a relationship. 

Either way, the relationship is nearing an end, but like a monkey, he or she will not let go of one branch until they have the next branch firm in hand. Lovely, right?

5 Signs Your Partner is Cushioning

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Your Partner Is Being Secretive

They are being secretive because there is someone else, or several someones, and they are trying to hide them from you. It can be as basic as some light flirting in text, sexting going on, or an actual sexual affair. Whatever they are doing, they have a motivation to hide their phone activity from you.

The hiding of the their phone, taking calls in private, and secretive computer behavior are all telltale signs of cushioning, or let's be honest, flat out cheating.

He’s Inconsistent

Your partner treats you inconsistently because that is how they feel about you. One day they want to make it work and want to stay in the relationship, and they next moment not so much. Their heart is not in the relationship any longer, but they feel an obligation to stick it out. Whatever “sticking it out” means to them.

He’s Non Committal

They do not want to make future plans and commitments with you because they kind of want out, and want to keep their options open. They do not want to move in with you, get a dog, or even put down money on a nice vacation because they know it may complicate ending the relationship.

If they were always the planner and the dreamer in the relationship, and now they barely show any interest in plans, it does not bode well for a future together.

Distant

There has been a shift in their feelings for you, and a change in their behavior towards you. They cannot help it. They are not that into you anymore and cannot hide it. They may just want out because the love is gone, or they are torn between you and another. A person can only pretend for so long.

 If they are engaged in an emotional affair, they will likely be distant, but it could be a little trickier to catch on to, and far more threatening than any of the other shenanigans. An emotional affair would be a biggie because that would mean they are in love, or at least believe themselves to be, in love with someone else.

Your Gut Says So

I am a big believer in trusting gut feelings, and if your gut is telling you your guy or girl has someone on the side, or one foot out the door, listen to it. We all get that sinking feeling when something is off, especially in relationships. Love yourself enough, and respect yourself to let someone go who doesn’t want to be with you.

After all, how happy can anyone really be with someone who is cheating, staying with you out of obligation, or loves another.

Cushioning is mainly considered a dating trend, but it can happen to any relationship, including marriages. While cushioning may seem like a way to protect yourself, you may really hurt others, and it is cowardly behavior. Cushioning is rooted in fear, insecurities, and selfishness.

n my opinion, it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person, and if there is cushioning in your relationship you are with the wrong person.

What is your experience with cushioning? Have you ever cushioned someone? Or have you ever knowingly been someone's cushion? Are you the monkey or the branch in the case of cushioning? No judgement! Please share your story or experience!

“If a man, who says he loves you, won’t tell you the details of a private conversation between him and another woman you can be sure he is not protecting your heart. He is protecting himself and the women he has feelings for. Wise women simply see things as they are, not as their low self-esteem allows.” - Shannon L. Alder

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5 Signs He's Cheating...Or Is Thinking About It

Trust is everything in a relationship. It is a miserable feeling when you think your partner may be stepping out on you. Chances are, if you are suspicious you have a pretty good reason to be so.

It's that gut feeling, and really just knowing your man. If something feels off, then that it is because something is off.

It is a big leap to go from having a suspicion to accusing. I had the unfortunate experience many years ago of playing detective in a relationship, and as much as I enjoy being right, I had hoped to be wrong in that situation.

The truth is, if you think he's cheating, he probably is. Or at least he wants to, or is thinking about it.

The 5 Signs Of Cheating

He Seems Distant

The distance you feel can come in the form of physical as well, but he is mostly going to be mentally and emotionally distant. He is no longer open with you and is not interested in you.

He is not interested in talking to you very much, and when he does talk to you, he is barely listening or engaged.

Physically he can avoid you by working late or avoiding your home life. He may also create distance by sleeping on the couch, or coming to bed after you have already turned in for the night.

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You Catch Him In Lies

The lies are the biggest telltale. He is not where is said he was going to be. He is not home when he said he would be. You can tell he's lying to you even though you cannot always prove it.

He Avoids Intimacy

He avoids your touch, and is no longer very affectionate. Kisses, hand holding, and cuddling are a thing of the past. He rarely initiates sex anymore, when once upon a time he couldn't keep his hands off of you.

When you do have sex with him he is not there mentally. He seems to be a million miles away, and possibly even thinking of someone else.

A big sign of intimacy avoidance is failing to look you in the eyes. Gazing into each others eyes is extremely intimate, and creates a connection. Failure to make that eye contact shows that he may be emotionally checked out of the relationship, and focused elsewhere.

He's Secretive

He doesn't allow you to see his phone, his emails, or his wallet. If you walk into the room unexpectedly he will close his laptop or close out of things on his computer. He has changed passwords, and gets defensive when you ask questions.

The Relationship Feels Off

Your partner has become different, almost like a stranger to you. It feels off because it is. You sense that he is no longer into you, he is no longer in love with you, and is just going through the motions.

What To Do

You have options if you think you are being cheated on. The first is to confront the situation directly and ask your partner if they are having an affair, including emotional and online affairs. Of course this is the scariest option because you may not get the answer or response you are hoping for, but for many of us it is better to know.

There is also the big possibility that he is going to lie because he's not quite ready to call it quits, and leave the comfortable home life.

You could take a more conservative approach, and just discuss your concerns about how you feel the relationship has changed, and tell your partner how it makes you feel.

The positive to this approach is that it puts your feelings out there, but if he is already done and emotionally closed to you, this conversation will go nowhere. In fact, the discussion may annoy him and give him an excuse to grab his keys and go get some "fresh air".

The last option is to play detective. This is probably the most mentally anguishing and painful choice to make, but you may find the answers you need. You clearly do not trust him, and will drive yourself nuts trying to find evidence that there is someone else, all the while hoping there is no evidence.

The positive is that you may not find a smoking gun, but the negative is that your gut is telling you he is involved or in love with someone else.

The Reality

A cheater is not likely to admit to cheating. They will usually lie through their teeth, until you have indisputable evidence of their infidelity. Trust your instincts in this case, because chances are your gut is on to something. They are cheating or thinking about it.

Counseling is usually recommended for marital issues, including infidelity. Of course this would mean that your man has come clean about his cheating, and is willing to do the work to get the relationship back on track.

I suppose the "positive" in the case of marital infidelity is that a man is statistically unlikely to leave his marriage for his lover.  However, the negative in this matter is his motivation for staying in the marriage. A man will stay for financial reasons, for the kids, and to maintain a status and the appearance of a happy family life.

The 5 signs listed are not all inclusive. In fact, you may find that your man becomes extra nice, and buys you gift to help him alleviate his guilt. He may also have a revved up sex drive with you to cover up his extra activities, and also to relieve his pent up sexual desires because he cannot have the other woman in the moment.

We all have our relationship deal breakers, and only you know what is tolerable and acceptable for you. Many relationships survive infidelity, but I am not sure if anyone ever gets over the broken trust, and feelings of betrayal.

What are your thoughts on cheating? What signs do you consider red flags? Please share your experience!

"No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn't bring you what you want, it taught you what you don't want." - Unknown

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