All The Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationships

You say you want a relationship, but the minute you are in one you tend to do things to end it. It is a pattern repeated all too often by you. You are a self-saboteur, and relationship destroyer. If you find yourself entering relationships with high hopes, only for it to crash and burn unexpectedly, time and time again, it may be time for some self-analysis.

There are many reasons people will sabotage a relationship, but fear is usually the number one culprit. Fear of being of alone, and fear of rejection. Sounds weird, right? You fear being alone, so you do things in relationships that make you end up alone.

It’s about protecting your heart, and self-preservation. Unfortunately, you may lose out on a great relationship, maybe even the love of your life, due to your sabotaging.

Perhaps after reading this blog, you won’t stop sabotaging your relationships, but at least you will be aware of the signs when you are doing it.

The Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship

Unrealistic Expectations

Did you really think that you would continue having sex twice a day, every day, for your entire relationship? Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but it is unrealistic to think that your sex life would not change over the course of your relationship, for many different reasons.

If you find yourself unhappy with the frequency of sex in your relationship you need to make your feelings known, in a thoughtful, non-accusatory manner.

Did you think your partner would not age, or that their body wouldn’t change over the years, especially after having kids? Completely unrealistic, shallow, and possibly indicative that you are not truly in love if you hyper-focus on your partner’s aging, or gaining a few pounds over the years.

Comparing Your Relationship To Others

If there is one thing that I have learned over the years, it is that things and people are not often what they seems to be. People tend to have a public and private persona, and that goes for couples as well. Some couples can seem so loving and perfect in public, and may be a hot mess behind closed doors.

It is often after couples split that truths come out, and only then do we realize we were trying to live up to an illusion.

Focus on your relationship. Live your best happy. No one’s relationship is perfect. Your relationship may be amazing, or it may completely suck. Either way, your thoughts and feelings about your relationship should be based on how your relationship makes you feel about yourself, and how it makes you feel about your partner.

Not Communicating Your Feelings

While we sometimes assume or wish our partners were mind readers, they are not. If something in your relationship is bothering you, or upsetting you, you need to speak up, and let your partner know. They cannot fix a problem they are unaware of.

Yes, there are times when it should be obvious, at least to you, that something they do or say is not okay with you. But remember, they are not you.

If your partner is constantly doing and saying things that annoy or anger you, tell them. If it continues, it may be time to move on.

Keeping Secrets

Whether you sneak the occasional cigarette or hide purchases from your partner, eventually you will be caught, and the issue of trust will come up. Do you need share every single thought or desire that comes to mind, I would say not necessarily, but keeping secrets in a relationship can be dangerous.

The gauge I recommend using regarding whether or not you are keeping a secret is to think about how your partner would feel about the information you are not sharing. If you are withholding information from your partner because you think they would be hurt, angry, or feel betrayed, then you are keeping secrets.

Being Selfish

It’s all about you, all the time. It has to be your way, and if it is not, temper tantrums, and bouts of sulking will commence. Does that sound familiar? We all want to have things our own way. We all have our own wants, desires, and preferences, but in a relationship sometimes you don’t get your preference.

Relationships require compromise, and sometimes that compromise may mean doing what your partner wants. If you choose your partner wisely, their wants and desires will closely align with yours. If you chose an opposite, or someone pretty different, be prepared for a lot of compromise, or to be completely selfish.

Relationships are challenging, and require work to maintain a healthy one. Not every relationship will work out, or is meant to be, but is important give yourself an opportunity to truly be happy. If the right person comes into your life, don’t sabotage things because you are afraid. Life is short and there are no guarantees, but taking a risk for a chance of happiness will be worth it every time.

What are your thoughts on sabotaging relationships? Do you agree with my list? Are you a self-saboteur? Please share your story or experience!

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

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5 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

The signs of an unhealthy relationship are pretty easy to spot, although they can go ignored occasionally by those in bad relationships. Sometimes we can become so hyper-focused on what is going wrong in relationships that we fail to see what makes good relationships great.

It is important to be able to recognize your healthy relationship and keep doing what is working.

Healthy relationships consists of simple, basic elements that are needed for each individual in the relationship to feel complete and happy. It seems so simple, but if you are with the wrong person it will be difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship.

Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

Free To Disagree

In a healthy relationship, you will feel safe and comfortable disagreeing with your partner. Unless you are sharing a brain, you are going to have your own thoughts and opinions, and sometimes they will not be the same as your mate, and that's okay. Or at least it should be okay.

There should not be fear that your partner will be angry or hold it against you that you occasionally disagree with them, or that you voice your opinion.

Separate Hobbies

In a healthy relationship you recognize the importance of having friends and hobbies outside of the relationship, and are comfortable doing things separately at times. If you are with the right one you will have plenty in common, but there are things you will want and need to do with others.

When you come back together after having time apart, you will have missed each other, and have interesting stories to share.

Friendship

A healthy relationship starts with a great friendship. You should truly like one another and enjoy each other's company. You have great talks, loads of things in common, and shared interests.

You are best friends, although you both still have other good friends. Your partner is the first person you want to share good news with, you vent to them, and cry on their shoulder when you are feeling sad or frustrated.

You Have Fun Together

In a healthy relationship you enjoy being together and have fun. You should be able to completely be yourself. You can be silly, and dorky, and cute and corny and there is no fear of judgement. You have lots of laughs, a similar sense of humor, and laugh at the same things.

Biggest Fans

In a healthy relationship, your partner will be your biggest supporter, encourager, and fan. When you love someone you want to see them do well, and only want the best for them. Your partner should want to see you succeed in your career, your education, and the following of your dreams, within reason.

Like I said, it seems simple, but finding the right person to have a healthy relationship is hard. It takes self-reflection, understanding your wants and needs, and a whole lot of patience. It is very easy to spot a bad relationship, and when things are not working, but what about the healthy relationship that is working?

If you are in a healthy relationship, recognize it for what it is, appreciate it, and keep that relationship strong. If you do not have the elements of a healthy relationship you may want to rethink your situation. What are your thoughts on healthy relationships? What signs do you look for in a healthy relationship? Please share!

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” 
- Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger In A Strange Land

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5 Signs It’s Time To Set Boundaries In Your Relationship

Boundaries are limits that define acceptable behavior. These limits apply very much so to relationships. In fact, perhaps boundaries in our personal, romantic relationships are the most important ones to set.

We often become comfortable, maybe too comfortable, in our relationships, and we can forget how to treat our partners.

I see boundaries as being about trust and respect. Boundaries apply to everyone, whether you are the male or female in your relationship, or you are a same sex couple. Read the below boundary breakers, and ask yourself if you are doing any of these, or if they are being done to you. If they apply, ask yourself if you are okay with the status quo of your relationship.

The 5 Signs You Need To Set Boundaries

They Interrupt

Whether it's a work call, or your candle party, they interrupt with non-urgent issues. This is a disrespectful power play, and it is a boundary issue. While they think they are marking their territory with you, what they are really doing is putting their lack of respect for you on full display for co-workers, friends, and family.

Respect yourself enough to set boundaries.

They Track and Spy

Everyone, even those in relationships, are entitled to some privacy. They will disguise it as worry for your safety, but it is really about controlling you. Needing to know where another adult is every second of the day, who is supposed to be a partner and equal, is a boundary issue.

In addition to tracking and spying being about control, it is also about a lack of trust and respect in the relationship. The boundary issue is unhealthy and needs to be addressed.

They Smother

Alone time is important, as is time with others outside of your relationship. If your significant other makes you feel guilty for doing things, or wanting to do things, without them, you have a boundary problem.

If they do not respect your need or desire for alone time, or to occasionally do things without, they have serious boundary issues.

Always About Them

Does just about everything you do as a couple revolve around their wants? Do you get input? Do you try to give input but always seem to get shot down? You are paying for half the trip, but get none of the say. These are boundary issues. Your voice is not heard, and your opinion is not valued. Set the expectation.

They Treat You Disrespectfully

Are things said to you by your significant other that you would be ashamed if your family or friends ever overheard or knew about? That is a boundary issue. Many things go on between couples, but verbal and emotional abuse should not be tolerated.

Hands are not the only way to beat a person down. Set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and tell them to never speak to you like that again.

Relationships are work, but I believe too many people spend far too much time ignoring problems that can be fixed, such as boundary breaking. They spend too much time hoping things will turn around, while not facing problems head on. And unfortunately, they spend too much time working on relationships that are beyond repair, or that was never going to work at all.

What are your thoughts? These are just my opinions, and I know everybody has one. Please share your story or experience!

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” - Brene Brown

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