Body Language...Can You Tell What He Is Thinking?

Ok, so technically I am no body language expert, but I find it interesting and have done lots of reading on the topic. I feel pretty confident in my abilities to regurgitate, I mean share, the the info I found.

I believe if we are honest with ourselves we can admit that we spend quite a bit of time hiding our true thoughts and feelings. We hide our annoyance when we are in the check out line behind someone paying with a check, or how much we dislike our boss, or even how much we like the new guy or girl at work.

I bet you think you have it all figured out, right? You play it cool and try keep your face emotionless when your jerk boss tasks you with something they should be doing. Or the girl you are crushing on is sitting across from you in a meeting.

How do you hide your feelings? You can't, not if your boss or crush know how to read body language.

I have an expressive face so my irritation, anger, and annoyance are rarely disguised. I think I am much better at hiding my other thoughts and feelings. I hide my fear and anxiety really well. I have also been really good at hiding my attraction for certain men in the past. At least I think so.

Experts would say I had telltale signs that gave me away, of course if they knew what to look for. The eyes say it all. They will dilate to take in more of the one they are attracted to.

There is no all encompassing list of signs your body will exhibit with any one particular emotion, but the below lists have been shown to accurately predict ones true intent or feelings.

Here are signs you might exhibit if you dislike someone:

• Not facing them when they talk to you

• False smiles

• Very little eye contact

• Keeping a large distance

• Yawning

• Side stepping while talking to them (you want to leave)

• Touching your nose

Here are signs you might be angry or hostile:

• Balled fists

• Pupil contraction

• Running fingers through hair

• Compressed or whitened lips

• Crossing arms

• Rapid speech

• Intense glare

• Shaking

• Redness in face

Here are some signs you might exhibit if in the presence of someone you are crushing on or secretly in love with:

• Lots of eye contact

• Mirroring behavior

• Gesture on appearance such as fixing tie, socks, or hair

• Great posture, straightens up when in their presence

• Is fidgety, and plays with things such as buttons or a pen

• Touches face a lot out of nervousness

• Plays with round objects in presence (this one is about sexual attraction and breasts)

• Dilated eyes because they like what they are looking at

• Feet point towards them, in order to keep them in your line of sight

Feeling vulnerable yet? I am. We all wear masks sometimes, often in the workplace. But our bodies betray us because research shows that whatever we are feeling shows up on our body first, not our conscious mind. Once our mind becomes aware we can put on that fake smile or look of interest.

Don't worry, sometimes people need to know how you really feel.

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5 Signs It’s Time To Set Boundaries In Your Friendship...

Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. If you do not set boundaries with those in your life, then you are not respecting your yourself, or requiring that they respect you either. Often times we recognize when our friendships have veered off course, and perhaps new boundaries need to be set, but we may find it difficult to take the necessary corrective steps.

The first step with boundaries, is recognizing when you need to set them.

5 Signs That It Is Time To Set Boundaries With Your Friends

They Don't Respect Your Time

This is the friend that believes all of your free time is theirs to do with as they please. You had a long, exhausting week, and all you want to do is hibernate all weekend. But without even calling, your friend shows up, with bag in hand, declaring she's spending the weekend. A boundary is needed with this friend.

It's Always A Competition

I don't believe in competing with my friends, and I don't believe in having frenemies in my life. If your friend is always trying to one up you, it is time for a talk, and to set boundaries.

They Are Emotionally Draining

Yes, friends are supposed to be there for each other, and listen to one another. But you are not supposed to be their therapist, and it cannot be about them, and their problems all of the time. If it feels like you are always on the phone with your friend dealing with one of his or her crises, it is time to set a boundary.

They Take Advantage of You

Your friend knows you will help anyone. She needs help moving, you are there. She needs a ride to the airport, of course you will take her. The problem is, this friend is always unable to reciprocate, and is taking advantage of your kindness.

It is time to set boundaries with this friend. You can say no sometimes, and still be a good person.

They Hurt Your Feelings

Whether it's a comment about your looks or your intelligence, your friend takes digs at you. And the worse part is you feel it is done intentionally to hurt and belittle. This goes back to competing. Set the boundary, and let them know that put downs are not acceptable to you.

Relationships, whether they are romantic or friendship, are complicated. It is boils down to two individuals trying to get what they want and need out of a relationship.  Sometimes they may, or may not be, taking the other persons feelings into consideration, while doing so. This is why we have to speak up.

I am a firm believer that we show people how to treat us. If you set no standard for how you are to be treated, then they will treat you accordingly. - Charlene Eckstein

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The Slow Burn Romantic Chemistry...Hot Or Hot Mess?

I am a total romantic, and nothing gets me better than the slow burn. The slow burn is the unexpected budding of romantic feelings between two people over a period of time. The slow burn relationship usually starts off very platonic, and then like a switch something changes.

The slow burn theme is very common in romance and suspense novels, and television series because the build up, and the "will they, won't they" question creates excitement for the readers and viewers.

Plus, there is the correlation to life, and how the slow burn seems to be the recipe for long term happiness and relationship longevity. 

Here’s my list of television shows with stand out slow-burn romantic chemistry.

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Slow Burn Romance In Television

• Mulder/Scully - The X-Files

• Ross/Demelza - Poldark

• Any Vampire Series

• Jack/Kate/Sawyer - Lost

• Lady Mary/Matthew - Downton Abbey

• Phryne/Jack - Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (Epic Slow Burn)

• Archer/Lana Kane - Archer

• Rick/Michonne - The Walking Dead

• Jim/Pam - The Office

As much as the slow burn appeals to many people, the actually consummation seems to be a buzz kill. Many shows lose their steam after the slow burn couple gets together. Is it because the slow burn is fantasy and romantic, but with a relationship comes struggles.

Is it possible some of the relationship pitfalls and struggles can be avoided if the transition from crushes to lovers is handled carefully?

The slow burn is special because the foundation of the relationship is not based on appearance or sex, but genuine fondness and chemistry that grew into more. The scary thing, and the undeniable hotness about the slow burn, is the build up. The build up of wanting more, and wanting each other.

Over time, the desire for things to be out in the open is there, but there is also an element of fear.  A fear that maybe you will not live up to each other’s fantasies. A fear that you will be disappointed, or even worse, that you will disappoint them. Highly unlikely with the slow burn chemistry, but still a very realistic fear.

I have had experience with a slow burn, and I would use three words to describe the feelings: complicated, intense, giddy. It catches you by surprise, and then it becomes all you can think about. 

I truly believe that the slow burn flame never goes out. It may not always burn with the same intensity as it did when first ignited, but depending on those involved, I firmly believe the smolder is there to stay.

What are your thoughts on the slow burn? Any slow burn experience? If so, did you go for it or stay put? Please share your story or experience!

“Hard to sit here and be close to you, and not kiss you.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Nice vs Good...How Do Others See You? How Do You See Yourself?

The terms nice and good are often used as if they are interchangeable, but they are not. Nice is defined as someone who is pleasant, agreeable, and amiable. Nice people don't like to ruffle feathers or deal with conflict.

Those who are "nice" may often take the easy way out. Basically nice is a facade. Nice is what others want you to see. To be fair, nice people are usually nice to be around, just don't expect them to make good decisions.

Good is defined as morally excellent, virtuous, honorable, and worthy. Good people can be nice but their decisions are based on their morals and values, not what they think will please others or to avoid conflict. Good people do the right thing, even when it's the hard thing. 

Like many people, I want to be accepted and liked, so I try to be nice. But in a choice between nice and good, it is always more important to me to be a good person and do what is right. Sometimes that means saying no or telling someone something they do not want to hear.

It takes courage and conviction to truly be a good person. I struggle daily because being nice is easier. Giving in and telling people what they want to hear is easier.

Nice vs good can be applied to many situations in our lives. I take pride in being a good mom, not a nice mom. I am nice to my children, but more importantly my girls are told no sometimes because there has to be limitations, and it is my job to set an example.

A nice mom may not set limitations because she doesn't want to deal with a tantrum or may fear her child being angry or upset with her. As a woman, ask me what kind of man I want and I will tell you I want a good man all day long.

So I ask you, where do you fall on the nice vs good spectrum? I always strive to be a good, honest person. Maybe too honest sometimes to truly be considered a nice person. Nice people give me pause, as there is an element of falseness within them.

Early on I question what's behind the mask a nice one wears, but if you give them enough time the mask will slip and much will be revealed. 

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The Look Back...Why You Can't Just Walk Away

I like to people watch because I find human behavior so interesting. We do so many subtle things that mean so much. One particular behavior has caught my eye recently, and that is the look back. Some of you may be wondering what the heck is the “look back”, but others knew right away.

Once I noticed it, I mean really noticed it, I had to know more. I started to notice it in the morning drop offs with parents and their children at my daughter's school. I saw it with groups of friends parting ways after a movie.  But the big stand out was with couples, and the slow budding romances.

I suppose this blog goes hand in hand with my recent “ Love…Being, Falling, Crazy In It” blog. The look back in the case of love and lust is often about regret. It is the silent “one last look at you before I leave you, because believe me, I don’t want to leave you". 

The look can be subtle or smoldering, but either way it is still telling. The return look is just as telling, and important. If only one of the two looks back, it does not bode well for a future dalliance.

Just about every romantic movie I have seen has the look back moment. I had to think back over the years for the look back moments in my history. In the past I fought the temptation sometimes. I wanted to look back, to see him again yes, but also to know if he was looking back at me.

When your eyes meet that one final time on the look back, it sends your heart fluttering, and you feel warm and tingly all over. It puts a smile on your face, and thoughts in your mind that will leave you restless.

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Here Are Some Movies That Have Memorable Look Back Moments

• Sixteen Candles

• Sense and Sensibility

• Bridget Jones's Diary

• Waiting to Exhale

• The Princess Bride

• 10 Things I Hate About You

• Dirty Dancing

• Never Been Kissed

• The Titanic

• Love Actually

• The Notebook

• The Wedding Singer

Does a look back at someone after you, or they have started to walk away mean nothing, or everything? I suppose one could say it depends, and that may be true. In the case of love and lust, only the two looking back at each other know why they couldn't resist that one last glance. What do you think?

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The Friend Zone...Can Men and Women Be Just Friends Without One Or Both Wanting More?

The short, honest answer is it depends. I have always had lots of male friends, and they have never left the friend zone, and I never wanted them to. I truly love and value my guy pals, both gay and straight. The friendships are somewhat different from my female friendships.

The dynamic is different and fulfilling in unique ways, without the drama and challenges of a romantic relationship. They work for me.

I suppose the real questions is, "Is it possible that some of my male friends were just playing the waiting game?" Were they waiting for the right time to make their move, or hoping that I would see them differently? Which of course was never going to happen, because I see my close guy friends like brothers. Yes, I can find them attractive, but in a non sexual way. They might as well be eunuchs. 

Now, do not confuse the friend zone with the free parking zone. I refer to the guy you are really cool with, but there is also potential for more, as being in free parking zone. You are his friend and content to keep it that way for now, but you are also careful not to do, or say anything to sabotage a possible relationship in the future.

So you don't burp in front of him, or pig out, and definitely do not discuss any gross bodily functions with him.

There is also sexual tension in free parking, and occasional flirting and looks that are more friendly than not. Maybe the timing is not right, and nothing will ever happen. Or just maybe fate will bring you two together. There is possibility in free parking.

In taking a very unscientific poll, I discovered more women than men thought the opposite sex friendships were possible. Most of the women I know have close male friends, and said they do not have a problem with their man having female friends, but there were some restrictions.

Men on the other hand were less definitive in their response. A couple guys didn't mind at all. While others were not okay with the wife or girlfriend having male friends at all. Is it because they worry that he is thinking what they think when they are with their female "friends"? Hmm.

Have I been so naive this whole time? I refuse to believe so. Yes, I understand that men think about sex way more than women do. And I know that some of my closest male friends over the years have had deep feelings for me. Some confessed at the time, and others told me years later.

Unfortunately, as wonderful as they were I just could not see them in that way. In theory, if a male and female are good friends then they are very compatible. They have a lot in common and truly enjoy each others company.

Friendship is the foundation for any long lasting relationship, but you also need romantic and sexual chemistry.

So what are your thoughts? Can men and women be just friends? Are you currently friendzoning someone? Have you been friendzoned and want out? Or just maybe you are in free parking, waiting for the right time to make your move.

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Is It Ever Too Late To Reset Your Life? I Say No! Here Is My Advice On A Reset...

I am currently giving my body a reset. I am trying to eat super clean for the next month. No sugar, no alcohol, and no processed foods. Just lots of fruits, veggies, and fish and chicken.

I am miserable, and loving it all at the same time. I am craving chips and fries, but also excited for how I will feel when those craving fall away. I do this a few times a year, and it seems to work for me.

I think that many people are generally okay with the idea of resetting their diet, or dieting in general. But what about the idea of giving your life a reset? Getting rid of the junk food of your life? Maybe get rid of that person who is a taker and not a giver? That one who is the ultimate life sucker. Or that person who is very negative and brings you down.

Perhaps you have a friend or a love who hurts you emotionally and makes you feel bad about yourself. These people need to go. 

Doing the life reset is like doing a diet reset. You will have cravings and want to give in, but do not do it. It won't taste good and it won't feel good if you give in. In fact you will only feel worse because your were so weak. Know your worth. Your body deserves better. Your spirit deserves better than someone who takes you for granted, and does not appreciate you. How different would your life be if certain people were no longer a part of it? 

To be clear, this blog is about being your best, inside and out. Feeling good about yourself, and having good people in your life that value you. Anytime is a good time to reassess the people in your life. Ask yourself, "do they add value to my life?". If the answer is no, then they need to go so you can reset and be happy. 

That last page turned is a perfect excuse to write a whole new book. - Toni Sorenson

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The Love Gaze...Does It Really Mean Anything?

They say the eyes are the windows to our souls. I am not so sure about the soul part, but the eyes say more than we realize at times. Our eyes can betray us, and tell our true feelings when we are trying to hide them.

The eyes can show excitement, and anger. They even communicate fear, confusion, and dishonesty. The eyes also reveal love and lust. Have you ever locked eyes with a stranger? Maybe on a train or at a bar? You might have felt an instant attraction. You liked what you saw and wanted to keep staring. You felt lust.

Now, what about locking eyes with someone you are familiar with? Someone you have been casually dating, a friend, or even a crush. You lock eyes from across the room and something happens.

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There is an intensity in those moments that is unexplainable. You only break the gaze because you realize that too much has been revealed, and silently communicated. Butterflies are in the stomach and panic almost sets in as you are flooded with emotions. Was it love, was it lust, or maybe both?

The love gaze is the staring into each other's eyes by two people who are falling or in love. A study was conducted to determine the gaze of someone in love versus someone in lust. Those in lust tended to look at the body, while those in love looked at the face and in the eyes. The two feelings do not have to be mutually exclusive. I want the man who loves me to also lust for me, but I would not expect lust to necessarily turn into love.

The truth is you may never truly know what the other person is thinking when you lock eyes. But chances are, if they were caught in a gaze with you, they were thinking the same thing as you. You both know whether or not it was a love or lust gaze, because you felt it, everywhere.

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew it. “- Pablo Neruda

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Sometimes The Grass Is Greener...Here's Why You Shouldn't Fear Change

We have all heard the saying that the grass isn't always greener. The key word is "always", which means that sometimes it actually is greener. Sometimes making a change in your life, even though scary, is the better choice.

I have always really disliked this saying because I feel that to a large degree it is rooted in fear. A fear of change. Yes, we should appreciate what we have. And yes, big life changes should be well thought out. One should not just quit a job they hate, when they need it to pay the bills, without having a plan in place.

Maybe don't leave a relationship for another without truly being sure of what you are giving up, and having a damn good idea of what you are getting. Of course you don't just pack up and move to a new, exciting city, if the cost of living is high, and you have very little or no money.

Did you know there is something called the "grass is greener syndrome"? The syndrome is basically when someone is incapable of experiencing happiness and satisfaction in life because they believe there is always something better out there.

Wherever they are at, there is some place better to be. Whoever they are with, whether romantic or friendship, is never enough, because there is always someone better.

The grass is greener syndrome is an unhealthy mental state and not at all what I am supporting.

Career changes, relationship changes, and location changes are the big choices that people are are told to stop and think about. Sometimes we are talked out of making decisions, and big life changes when presented with all of the facts. Sound advice at times, but ultimately it is your life, and it is my life.

We all walk our own path, and at the end of the day we reap the benefits, and have to face the consequences for our decisions as well. Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they do not. 

It takes a brave person to give up the financial stability of a good job to follow their dreams, but you only live once. It takes a special person to follow their heart, and risk all for love. There are no guarantees, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

A once in a lifetime love could be at stake. It takes an adventurous spirit to pick up and move to a new place with new people. But a life with new places and new people can be very exciting and rewarding.

Moral of the story is to live your life. Make the best decisions you can with the information you have, but never make them out of fear. What joy is there in that? Do you live by the grass isn't greener motto? Do you fear change? Please share!

Doubts and fears are the heaviest burdens - James Lendall Basford

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Relationships...Beginnings and Endings

Relationships are complicated. At least they seem to be so at times to me. Relationships can be fun and exciting, but also frustrating and painful. Relationships can also be confusing, particularly in the beginning and at the end.

There are many types of relationships. There are friendships, romantic relationships, and the familial kind of relationship. No matter the type of relationship, there is always the potential for complex and confusing feelings.

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There are no real "how to books" on navigating relationships because each relationship is unique with its own dynamic. For this blog, I want to discuss romantic relationships, and the inevitable beginnings and endings.

Beginnings

Have you ever started dating or seeing someone and questioned the relationship status as things "seemed" to progress? What are we to each other? Are we exclusive? Is he or she my boyfriend or girlfriend?

I mean, do adults still ask each other to be boyfriend or girlfriend? Perhaps things progress a little more, and then you wonder if you can leave something at their house. A change of clothes maybe, or a toothbrush.

Yes, some of the questions could be resolved by simply asking, but who wants to put themselves out there like that? Who wants to be vulnerable or perceived as moving too fast? Or forbid, you come off as clingy or desperate.

The beginning of a relationship is much like a dance, but everyone dances to a different beat. You have to figure out how to get in sync, and how to stay that way.

Endings

The end of a relationship can be just as confusing. Some breaks-ups are very definitive in nature. But other relationships sort of fizzle out, or fade away over time. Unfortunately, in the case of the fade away, one or both involved parties are unsure of the relationship status.

Are we still a couple or going through the motions? Sure they both know it is over, but no one wants to call it quits? It still hurts for it to end no matter who says the words.

There are other times when one is unsure about ending a relationship. Their mind knows it's over, but the heart isn't quite there yet. It is hard to let go of something that once seemed so magical, so perfect. But time is ticking. How much of it are you willing to waste on could have beens, and should have beens?

Well, personally I'll take a confusing beginning any day over the sad ending. No matter what, it is destined to end. Be it break-up, death, or divorce, nothing lasts forever. The important thing to remember is to enjoy it while it lasts, and know when to let go.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. - M. Kathleen Casey

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