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What Is Negging and How To Recognize It In Relationships and Dating
We love new terms in the dating world and negging is a newer term for an old tactic. Some of you may have never heard the term “negging” but you have most likely experienced it. “Negging ("to neg", meaning "negative feedback") is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval.” - Wikipedia
So now that we know that negging is essentially a manipulation tactic used to knock you down a peg emotionally and psychologically, the question is how to recognize when it is being done to you and how to address it.
Negging can come in the form of words, negative body language, and even physical behavior such as moving away from your touch. They may even laugh at you or ignore you, but the goal is the same and that is to manipulate you with their negative feedback. In this blog, I list five signs to look for when you think negging is happening to you. I hope this helps to keep you away from relationships that do not feed your soul and make you happy.
5 Signs of Negging
Teasing or Making Fun Of You
Teasing can be in good fun and can be seen as flirtatious, but too much of it can start to feel like the other person is just being mean and intentionally hurting your feelings under the guise of “just joking”.
You two go out walking or for a hike and you hear jokes the whole time about how slow you are and need to be in better shape. Never mind the fact that their legs are six inches longer than yours or that they do this all the time.
Subtley Putting You Down
Negative comments about your looks, your cooking, and even your intelligence are all negging tactics and subtle ways to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. It is also a way to make themselves feel superior to you.
Disregarding Your Feelings
They use negging as a way to disregard your feelings and turn the tables on you. According to them, their mean jokes directed at you are fun and are all in good fun but you are just too sensitive and you have no sense of humor.
Disregarding Your Boundaries
You have told them your preferences many times. Whether you have said you do not like a certain food or to be touched or talked to a certain way they start negging to get around those boundaries. They will call you ungrateful or unappreciative of all of their efforts despite you expressing your likes and wants.
Comparing You To Others
A person who negs will want to take you down a notch and they will do that by trying to destroy your self-worth and self-esteem. They will compare you to other women who they view as smarter or prettier than you. They will say or indirectly imply that you should be thankful that someone like them would even give someone like you the time of day because they usually date women who are much hotter and prettier and skinnier than you are. But of course, if that were true then why is he dating or in a relationship with you?
My recommendation is to call out negging when you see. Tell them you do not like the negative comments. After the first warning regarding their negging behavior, there should be no other warnings. You just need to walk away from that toxic person because they will eventually destroy your self-esteem.
What are your thoughts on negging? Do you have any experience with negging? Please share your thoughts and how you handled negging situations!
“Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy-draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative, and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible.” – Les Brown
5 Signs You're Dealing With A User
The word user has many definitions but in today’s blog, we are discussing people who use other people. These users can be partners, family members, friends, coworkers, and even casual acquaintances. Users are selfish, self-serving, manipulative, and often unkind.
Users prey on the kindness, loyalty, and commitment of others to get what they want while giving very little, if anything at all, in return. Sound familiar? Whether or not you have a big heart, a caring soul, or a philanthropic nature, no one likes to feel like they are being used or taken advantage of. If you feel like you have a user in your life, then this blog is for you. Here are the 5 signs to look for that you have a user in your life.
5 Signs He Is A User
You Only Hear From Users When They Need Something
We all know these people. They never bother to call or message you ever. They never show up to any of your events to show support and are never there if you need assistance or just want someone to talk to. They are always too busy for you but expect you to drop everything when they call or need something. You may almost forget about them but when you see they are calling or messaging you mentally prepare yourself because you already know before you respond that they want something from you.
Users Always Play On Your Emotions
You have a soft heart and tend to be generous, which is why users love you so much. Users love to emotionally manipulate people. They always have lots of problems and their problems are always bigger and more important than yours, according to them. They are masters at guilting people and will sometimes not ask directly for money or favors but instead share their dilemma with you in hopes that you will offer your assistance without them even having to ask for anything.
You Do Not Think They Would Reciprocate For You
Users are not about helping or supporting others. The “user” family member or friend seems to be non-responsive when you reach out or ask something of them. They always have an excuse as to why they are too busy to help you or to attend something you invite them to. Although it is not surprising behavior for a user because they are selfish, you still find it hurtful, especially after all you have done for them over the years.
Users Always Expect A Yes
Users are master gaslighters. You are reluctant to say no to an ask or decline an invite from the user because you know you are likely to feel their wrath in one way or another. They may lash out with unkind words, or make you feel guilty for not being a “better” friend, partner, or family member to them. They may even stop speaking to you or ghost you for a bit, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but of course, the ghosting is only until they need another favor from you.
The User Leaves You Feeling Used and Dejected
After each round of rescuing or supporting the user, you feel worse and worse about yourself. Even though you realize you value your relationship with them more than they do yours, you also feel bad about the thought of dropping them completely from your life.
The important takeaway from this blog is for you dear reader to recognize when you are being used and to give you permission to set boundaries with these individuals. Your answer does not always have to be yes. In fact, sometimes the answer needs to be no for your own mental, emotional, and financial well-being.
One-way relationships are hurtful and toxic and you deserve to have people in your life who want to be there and are not only around when it is convenient for them. Learn to advocate for yourself. Learn to say no. And learn how to recognize when it is time to cut people out of your life.
After reading this blog are you able to identify any people in your life who meet the user criteria? If so, what will you do about it? Will you maintain the relationship, discuss it with them, or cut ties? Please share your thoughts and experience.
“Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish, Anybody who gets upset and/or expects you to say YES all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart, Always remember: You have a right to say NO without having to explain yourself, Be at peace with your decisions.” – Stephanie Lahart
The Secrets To True Happiness
Happiness is the state of being happy and we all want to be happy, right? Well, at least that is what we all say. But if there were really true, then why do we keep doing things that lead us down the road of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and anger?
Will your life ever be perfect? Maybe. It just all depends on how you define the perfect life. Your happiness is your responsibility. Other people and things will not make you happy because happiness is a state of mind. So let’s get there!
The Secrets To Happiness and Peace of Mind
Let It Go
You have to learn to let stuff go. It happened and now it is done and over with and all the reliving of the incident, thinking about the words, or focusing on the slight or offense will not change what happened.
I am not saying that you have to forgive and forget, but what does help is to recognize that people are people. Some are good while others are not, and people make mistakes. Don’t let their bad moment or angry heart ruin your day or your life. Let it go and move on.
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
You cannot sweat the small stuff. Ask yourself is this important to me or is it about control? Is this issue really a big deal? If it is not, then who cares. Do not agonize and stress over circumstances beyond your control.
I’m sure you think this is much easier said than done, but with practice, you can learn to accept that you cannot control anything but yourself and your reactions. Once you have that light bulb moment, it will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
Don’t Give It Your Energy
Do not give crappy people or crappy environments your energy. Being annoyed or angry, or even offended, can be exhausting. Holding on to feelings of hurt and resentment will completely drain all your energy and make you feel terrible.
So, have your feelings at the moment. Speak your peace to those who you need to and have a cry if inclined but after that, do not give it any more energy.
Remove Toxic People From Your Life
Toxic people need to go. You know that person who always manages to bring you down and make you feel terrible about yourself? Well, they need to be removed from your life. Sadly this toxic person may be a friend, a sibling, a partner, or even a parent. Whoever they are, you do not owe them your peace of mind.
Of course, this toxic person will not likely leave your life without some gaslighting or without placing all blame squarely at your feet, but that’s okay. They can be mad and they can be hurt but they still need to go.
Learn To Say No
It is okay to say no. You do not have to say yes just because they ask. Let disregarding your own feelings, needs, and choices for the sake of pleasing others be a thing of the past. And yes, I am saying it is okay to be selfish sometimes.
Stop living your life for other people. Making life choices, big or small, is a huge burden and will wear on you both mentally and physically. You have permission to say no, and say it without feeling the need to offer an excuse or explanation.
Notice how none of the secrets to happiness included others making you happy? That is because no one else can ever make you happy. Your happiness is your job and you should never delegate your happiness to another.
What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you agree with the list of secrets to true happiness? What do you believe is the secret to happiness? Please share your thoughts and experience!
There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. - Epicetus
Here's Why Love Alone Isn’t Enough
Relationships will always have ups and downs and challenges over the years, but can love conquer all?
You can love your partner deeply and still be miserable in your relationship because your mental, emotional, or sexual needs are not being met.
You can love someone deeply but still choose not to be with them because sometimes love just isn’t enough. When elements are missing from your relationship, despite your love, you know it’s not going to work, and that it may be time to move on.
Reasons Why Love Isn’t Enough
Trust
It is very hard to continue on in a relationship once trust is lost. Trust is everything in a committed relationship, and without it you really have nothing. Unfortunately, your love will not make a cheating partner more faithful or honest. They are who they are and will only be true and trustworthy if it’s in their character.
Yes, people make mistakes, and sometimes forgiveness is warranted. Trust can be regained but it is a slow process, and much like a fractured bone it is forever fragile.
Communication
Poor communication is the cause of most fights and unhappiness in many relationships. Having a partner who is able to communicate their feelings, wants, and desires is extremely important. Just as important is a partner who is able to listen and receive what their partner is communicating to them.
Attraction
Call it shallow, but the reality is people want to feel attracted to their partner. Are looks the most important thing in a relationship? Of course not, but losing attraction for your partner, or even worse, feeling repulsed by them can mean the end of your happy union.
Commitment
Love is just a word without action behind it. A commitment is an obligation. A relationship commitment is an obligation of choice. We choose to be with that one person and we choose them again and again.
The problem is that sometimes the commitment feels like a burden, which is a sign that something is not working.
Determination
Once you are knee-deep into a relationship, with the honeymoon phase over, you have to want it to work to keep it going.
Relationships can be challenging, even hard at times. If you love someone and you want your relationship to work you have to be determined for that to happen.
Love alone will never be enough to sustain a healthy relationship when all or most of the key elements are missing. The important word being healthy. And remember that love will not make him change, and love does not hit, or use, or abuse. Love yourself first.
What are your thoughts on love alone being enough to keep going in a relationship when all the other elements appear to be missing? Please share your thoughts and experience!
"You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them ... but still move on without them." — Mandy Hale
When Love Turns To Hate Then Murder
Love is the ultimate goal for many of us. We meet our perfect mate, and after some wining and dining we are in love, envisioning the white picket fence and a happily ever after.
We are all allowed to dream and have romantic goals, but unfortunately when it comes to happily ever after the odds are not in your favor. Marriage takes work, more than many want to deal with, especially if the love you once had has turned to dislike, resentment, and even hate for your partner.
When Love Turns To Hate Then Murder
Divorce Rates
Marriage can be hard, even when you are with the right person. But if you were unfortunate enough to end up with someone with whom you were not really compatible with, or who changed significantly after the “I Do’s” were said, trouble is likely on the horizon.
Divorce rates are staggering, and many marriages are likely to end in divorce. In fact, the current divorce rate in the United States approximately 40 to 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce. Of course, the number does not include the couples who are separated, no longer cohabitating or couples who decide to remain married while living separate lives.
While the end of a marriage is very sad, if two people cannot make it work and do not want to be together, it is a better option than wasting your life being miserable in an unhappy marriage. Let’s be honest, sometimes divorce is necessary for the mental and emotional well-being of the couple and the children if there are any.
While divorce may be the right choice, some spouses decide to take a different, more violent, final path to end the marriage. Some spouses would rather kill their partners than get a divorce.
Is There Always Abuse Before The Murdering of A Spouse Or Partner?
Statistics show that most people, usually but not always women, who were murdered by their spouse had reported verbal or physical abuse to their friends, their families, or the authorities in the past.
But to be clear, there are not always signs of abuse or that someone is capable of murder. Some of the most high-profile cases of spouses being murdered showed that friends and family were shocked by the crime. While they thought the couples were very happy and in love, the husbands were living double lives and in love with other women, and plotting to get rid of their wives, and in some cases their children.
Murder Statistics
It’s a scary thought to think that the person sleeping next to you, that person who you love most in all the world could someday hate you enough to take your life. Rest assured that odds are that spousal murder will not be your fate, but for an astounding number of both men and women, that is exactly what happened to them.
According to Department of Justice statistics, approximately 9 percent of murders in the United States are spousal murders, primarily the murder of the wife with 83 percent of family murders being committed by the male. Alcohol is often a factor in the murders as well.
The Motivation To Murder
Unfortunately, the reason for killing the spouse usually comes down to money, one way or another. They don’t want to pay child support, or split assets, or pay spousal support. The opposite mentality of “cheaper to keep her”. Greed and selfishness take over any thoughts and sense of decency and morality.
Money is not the only motivating factor when spouses are murdered. The murder motivation can also be about control. The spouse is leaving and killing them is their last act of control over them. If I can’t have you, then nobody can type of crap.
The last motivating factor is another man or woman. They want a fresh start with their new love and do not want to deal with divorce, or custody battles, or losing anything, especially money. Falling for someone else can happen, especially when someone is unhappy in their current relationship, but Prince Charming murdering his wife isn’t romantic or attractive to a new partner, it’s scary and psychotic.
Many of us will never understand the decision to kill someone we once loved rather than just get a divorce. I’m not sure the killers always understand their actions either, but the important thing is your safety. Don’t hide abuse and be willing to walk away from crazy, even if that means not getting everything you feel you deserve from the divorce.
If you or someone you love are in danger or need help please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you believe in making a marriage work at all costs? Would you be willing to walk away from it all if it meant you could leave your spouse in peace? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people,” Jonathan Franzen, Freedom
15 Signs Your Behavior Is Toxic
After the year we all had with 2020, I think many of us are wanting to move forward in a more positive, self-reflective way. It all starts with looking at ourselves, acknowledging faults, and putting in the work to do better.
I think it’s pretty easy to recognize toxic behavior in others, but not so much when it comes to our own actions and behaviors. Toxic people are well, toxic, and unfortunately, it is possible that you actually the toxic person in many people’s lives.
No one wants to believe they are toxic, but sometimes the facts are just undeniable. Recognize the signs and knock it off.
15 Signs Your Behavior Is Toxic
You Anger Easily
You can go from zero to one hundred over the smallest thing and lose your mind on those closest to you and even strangers. Sticking up for yourself is one thing but talking to people in your life disrespectfully or making a habit of going off on people is toxic behavior.
Friends and Family Hold Their Tongues
If your friends or family dare try to hold you accountable for your words or actions it is a known fact that it will turn into a huge fight or gaslighting session. So instead they hold their tongues or start avoiding you altogether.
You Lose People In Your Life
People are always breaking up with you both literally and figuratively, anything to avoid dealing with you and your toxic behavior.
You Treat People Like Crap
Being nice and sweet sometimes does not give you a free pass to treat people like crap whenever you get upset or have a bad day. The minute you get upset or lose your temper your nice mask falls off and you show your true colors.
You Always Have To Be Right
No one likes being wrong, but with a toxic person even when they have been proven wrong they want to argue or find a way to be right. If that doesn’t work then anger or gaslighting is sure to follow.
You Are Never Happy
You are the ultimate drama queen with always something going on in your personal or professional life that tends to be over-inflated problems blown out of proportion. You seem to look for reasons to not be happy and you drag others into your self-created problems, leaving them shaking their heads at your first-world issues.
You Are Overly Critical
If you are a toxic person, you will always find a way to criticize. You are far from perfect, but want to hold everyone else to a standard of perfection and are always sure to let them know that they are failing.
You Don’t Take Responsibility
It’s never you, it’s always someone else. You seem to always attract drama and have problems but to have you tell it, it is always someone else’s fault. You take zero accountability for anything, especially the ramifications of your own actions.
You Are Insensitive To Others Feelings
Maybe you are a straight shooter or maybe you are passive-aggressive, but either way, you always manage to say something insensitive or insulting because you are insecure and toxic. Of course when they are offended or hurt you try to laugh it off because they are not entitled to feel insulted by your rude comment or joke at their expense.
You Are Rude
You tend to say rude and thoughtless things. You speak to people in the service industry in a rude manner and tend to be inconsiderate and thoughtless when irritated.
You Are Negative
You are Debbie downer and the sky is always falling to hear you tell it. We all have the occasional negative thought or feeling, but if you are toxic, being negative is a way of life. You are that friend that tells her happy and in love friend that you hope this guy doesn’t cheat on her like all the others.
You Are Not Supportive
You cannot stand to see anyone doing better than you, even if it’s your bestie or your partner. It’s all you and if your life isn’t going how you want it to then you can’t be happy for anyone else. You are toxic.
You Are Always Complaining
Even when things are good you always find something to complain about. The food wasn’t great, the music was too loud or not your preference, it’s too crowded or you are bored. Complain, complain, complain.
You Are Petty
Your tit-for-tat attitude when it comes to relationships is never going to be a winning strategy. You are childish and do not seem to learn from past mistakes. You think you are scoring big at the moment with your words and insults, but your tantrums consistently turn into big losses for you in the long run.
You Feel The Need To “One Up” Others
You cannot stand when you are not the center of attention and it is not about you. You can just never let someone else have their moment or shine. It always has to be about you so you go out of your way to try to show others up, even those you claim to be friends with or love.
It is never too late for you to grow and change. Actually believing otherwise is just an excuse to not put in the work needed to be a better friend, spouse, daughter, or sibling. If you recognize most or all of these traits in yourself or someone else, you have identified a toxic person.
What are your thoughts on toxic behavior? Do you recognize these characteristics in someone close to you or even yourself? Are you willing to cut the toxic person out of your life or change your ways? Please share your thoughts and experience!
Signs You’re The Third Wheel In Your Relationship
Feeling invisible or like you are being left out is a terrible feeling. A third wheel is someone who is unnecessary to a group and is tagging along. In this case, the group usually consists of a couple and the third, superfluous person.
Whether you are dating or married, sometimes you can be made to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship. Your spouse’s relatives, friends, and co-workers may come around and suddenly you feel as though you have become invisible to your partner.
Whether or not this is actually the case or just your own jealousies and insecurities messing with your head, there are signs to look for.
3 Signs You’re The Third Wheel In Your Relationship
Inside Jokes
Nothing can make you feel like a third wheel faster than sitting with two people, even if one of them is your partner and they are talking in code or have a bunch of inside jokes.
Inside jokes show closeness and when you are not in on the joke you feel like an outsider looking in on your own relationship.
Left Out Of Plans
Doing things without you or making plans without you when you feel you should be included is hurtful and a clear indication that you are a third wheel.
Your partner should most certainly be able to have friends outside of the relationship, but when you share mutual friends and are excluded from plans it’s a clear sign of you becoming the third wheel.
You Feel Like A Third Wheel
When you hang out with your husband and his family, his friends, or his co-workers, people you also feel like you have good relationships with, but feel like your presence wouldn’t be missed, you’re the third wheel.
It’s the feeling that your presence is only being tolerated because of your connection to your significant other.
What To Do If You Are The Third Wheel
The important thing to understand is that your partner is allowed to have friends and hobbies outside of your relationship. You don’t have to do everything together. Having said that, how you go about addressing the third wheel situation will depend on who’s involved, the relationships, and the frequency.
Communication is key. Ask your partner if they would rather do something without you and be okay with their answer being yes. But be honest about how it makes you feel and what you are and are not comfortable with.
I’m not saying to never do things with others. Attend your partner’s holiday party to show support and his family’s get together for solidarity, but let him hang with his family or friends sometimes without you too. And you should do the same.
What are your thoughts on recognizing the third wheel situation happening in your relationship? Have you ever felt like the third wheel in your relationship? Please share your thought and experience!
“There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction--every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
What To Do When You Love Them But Don't See A Future Together?
It sounds crazy to think that you could be in love with someone, madly even perhaps, but you have a nagging feeling telling you that he’s not the one. That feeling takes over and it becomes virtually impossible to see a future with someone you care so much for.
I am all about trusting your gut instincts, but I am also about analyzing and asking why we feel this way. Is it really a gut instinct talking or is there a bias, a judgment, or an unrealistic standard holding you back from finding true love.
When you don’t see a future with someone the right thing to do is to walk away, but before you do, I suggest you ask yourself these questions first.
Questions To Ask Before Walking Away From A Relationship
Am I Embarrassed For People To Meet Him"?
Is he is older or younger than the typical guy you date? Or perhaps a little shorter or balder than you are comfortable with?
You have every right to want a certain type of man, but if any of the above is the reason you do not see a future you are being shallow and may regret your decision to walk away in the long run.
Do I Think He’s Good Enough?
This is a tough question to ask ourselves and even tougher to admit when the answer is negative. Does he come from a poor family or the wrong side of the tracks and this bothers you?
If he is a good man, with a good heart who treats you well, you need to think twice before dismissing him as not being good enough.
Does His Income or Job Matter To Me?
Maybe you need a partner who makes a lot of money or at least more than you do. Sometimes it’s about status or material things, or maybe you are just a traditionalist, but either way, you cannot see yourself with a man who doesn’t make a lot of money or doesn’t make more money than you.
Good, available men are not easy to come by, so you may need to ask yourself what’s more important.
Do We Want Different Things?
They say opposites attract but making it work with someone who views the world differently, and wants different things in life can be challenging and perhaps somewhat disheartening.
If he wants different things, it is not your job to convince him otherwise. And if you are certain of the future you want, or don’t want, that may be a very good reason to walk away.
Will I Be Happier Without Him?
In the beginning, you were all starry-eyed and full of hope of a future together, but as you drifted from cloud nine back down to earth you realized that a future with this man may not make you as happy as you once thought. The masks fell off and you didn’t like what you saw.
There is no judgment here because you have every right to decide what you want and don’t want in a partner. And let’s be honest, only you know deep down inside the real answers to these questions. However, if you are being honest with yourself, you fell in love with this person for a reason, and since they are not a violent, horrible person (otherwise this would be a different conversation), it begs to question what prevents you from seeing a future with them?
Have you ever been in a situation where you love someone but didn’t see a future with them? If so, what did you do? What advice would you give? Please share your thoughts or story!
“Real love" - "This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Death Of A Marriage...6 Reasons Marriages Become Unhappy
When I first started blogging about relationships 4 years ago, I was not sure what to expect as far as interest in what I had to say, because let’s be honest, much like food blogs, the market is flooded with relationship advice as well.
In writing my blogs, I have striven to provide a unique perspective based on personal experiences, observations, research, and interviews. Over the years, my audience has grown, and I am so proud of the unexpected success, but I believe much of my success can be contributed to one blog in particular that continues to draw to the largest audience daily.
Two years ago I wrote an article titled 8 Signs You Are Not A Couple Anymore…You’re Just Roommates. The Roommates article has resonated with so many readers and continues to provide nearly 40% percent of the daily traffic to my blog, with over 1,000 daily views.
Over the years, I have received many heartbreaking emails and comments from people feeling trapped and unhappy in their marriage, and recognizing they are just roommates. Between hearing from readers, doing research, and seeing what family and friends have gone through, I have definitely started to view marriage through a different prism.
When you think about the high divorce rate, which is currently approximately 40% depending on your age and where you live, and how many people we all know who are staying in marriages for reasons other than happiness and love, that equates to a lot of unhappy people.
So, the question is, why do so many marriages become unhappy, and is that seemingly inevitable unhappiness preventable? The short answer is yes if you know the causes. Here’s 6 reasons marriages become unhappy.
6 Reasons Marriages Become Unhappy
No Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling is highly recommended to get a marriage started off right. Premarital counseling provides a facilitated forum to discuss marital expectations and concerns of each partner prior to saying “I do” because you both should have an idea of what your partner expects of a husband or wife in a marriage.
Idealized Marriage
Marriage is not a fairytale, despite what the stories tell you. In fact, choose the wrong mate and your marriage can end up a horror story. Your spouse is not going to be Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet non-stop. He will burp, fart, and may be a complete slob at times, who does not help around the house or with the kids as much as you would like.
Obligated/Forced To Marry
You got married because your religion dictated it or you were pregnant and felt obligated to get married. Honestly, I think any marriage that required or pressure for one or both partners to commit doesn’t stand much of a chance at a happy union.
Immature When Married
It doesn’t matter if you are 20, 30, or 40 when you get married, because it is not only about age. Immaturity does not necessarily just mean young because maturity is a mental state. Some people never grow up, and some never make sound decisions regardless of how many years they are on this earth.
Keeping Up With The Joneses
You married because everyone your age was doing it and you did not want to be outdone by anyone or feel like a loser for still being single. Playing the game of keeping up is a fast track to unhappiness and debt. People who focus more on the outward than the inward are never very happy with themselves and definitely not with their partners.
Ignoring/Not Addressing Issues
You have not been paying attention to your marriage. If this blog applies to you, you may have been reading this thinking, nope this is definitely not me or my marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your spouse. I get emails all the time from unhappy spouses who feel trapped in their marriage and I always encourage them to discuss their feeling with their spouse.
Of course, most people recognize that things are off with their marriage but are not sure sometimes how to fix it, and in some cases, if they even want to fix it. I think the death of a marriage is preventable for some marriages, and not so much for others. Sheer determination and love will not make a person who no longer loves you want to be with you, no matter what you do.
I believe the death of a marriage can be prevented if two mature individuals willingly enter the relationship with open hearts and minds, be completely honest with each other and themselves, and focus on building up their partner and their relationship.
What are your thoughts on the death of a marriage? What advice would you give? Do you agree with the assessment? Please share your thoughts and experience!
Relationship Expectations…5 Signs Your Relationship Expectations Are Unreasonable
Nothing kills a relationship faster than unmet expectations, but so many questions come to mind when discussing this topic. Chances are if you’re feeling disappointed in your partner’s failure to meet your expectations, they are probably feeling disappointed in themselves or feeling some kind of way about your reaction to their alleged letdown.
During relationships, I expect love and respect and consider them non-negotiables. However, I do recognize that my partner’s time and money are theirs to do with what they want and are up for negotiation, such as who pays for dinner or if we go to my family’s barbeque.
In case you need to be reminded, your partner is not a mind reader. But more importantly, while you are focusing on how disappointed you are in your partner you need to ask yourself a few questions first, because maybe, just maybe your expectations are not reasonable.
Signs Your Expectations Are Unreasonable
You’ve Been Told So In The Past
If you have been told in the past by ex-boyfriends, lovers, or husbands, that you are too demanding or that your relationship expectations are unreasonable maybe they are.
It’s either you’re unreasonable or you keep picking the wrong people. Keep in mind that both can be true.
Your Partner Says So
It’s like your old relationship is on replay. Your current partner has pointed out that your expectations are unfair or unreasonable.
You place demands on their time, their money, and their treatment of you but fail to recognize the double standard, especially when they are not allowing you to call the shots.
You Make Up Random Rules
You just make up relationship rules as you go along. Your partner “always” has to do this, or can “never “ do that, because if they don’t follow your rules that means that they do not love you.
Of course, these made-up rules are a double standard and do not apply to you. These rules come up situationally, and at your convenience.
Not Based On Love
You often equate love to material things. The saying, “it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t mean much to you. People show their love in many ways.
A simple gesture of filling up your gas tank weekly when they notice it’s getting low is a thoughtful, loving gesture, but since it wasn’t the expensive gift you pointed out that you wanted, you feel disappointed instead of appreciative.
You Keep Losing People
You keep losing people from your life, which is the number one red flag that you are unreasonable, difficult, and maybe even toxic. Whether it be romantic partners, or family members or friends, your unrealistic expectations of what it means to be a partner, a sister, or a friend, your behavior pushes people away.
I always recommend that you set expectations and boundaries early on in a relationship, but be careful about being unrealistic, self-serving, and demanding. Demands in a relationship will often be viewed as hostile, and I for one do not negotiate with terrorists, and neither should you or your partner.
What are your thoughts on relationship expectations? Do you agree or disagree with my article? Should someone be expected to tamp down their expectations in a relationship or would that be considered settling? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life