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The Secrets To True Happiness
Happiness is the state of being happy and we all want to be happy, right? Well, at least that is what we all say. But if there were really true, then why do we keep doing things that lead us down the road of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and anger?
Will your life ever be perfect? Maybe. It just all depends on how you define the perfect life. Your happiness is your responsibility. Other people and things will not make you happy because happiness is a state of mind. So let’s get there!
The Secrets To Happiness and Peace of Mind
Let It Go
You have to learn to let stuff go. It happened and now it is done and over with and all the reliving of the incident, thinking about the words, or focusing on the slight or offense will not change what happened.
I am not saying that you have to forgive and forget, but what does help is to recognize that people are people. Some are good while others are not, and people make mistakes. Don’t let their bad moment or angry heart ruin your day or your life. Let it go and move on.
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
You cannot sweat the small stuff. Ask yourself is this important to me or is it about control? Is this issue really a big deal? If it is not, then who cares. Do not agonize and stress over circumstances beyond your control.
I’m sure you think this is much easier said than done, but with practice, you can learn to accept that you cannot control anything but yourself and your reactions. Once you have that light bulb moment, it will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
Don’t Give It Your Energy
Do not give crappy people or crappy environments your energy. Being annoyed or angry, or even offended, can be exhausting. Holding on to feelings of hurt and resentment will completely drain all your energy and make you feel terrible.
So, have your feelings at the moment. Speak your peace to those who you need to and have a cry if inclined but after that, do not give it any more energy.
Remove Toxic People From Your Life
Toxic people need to go. You know that person who always manages to bring you down and make you feel terrible about yourself? Well, they need to be removed from your life. Sadly this toxic person may be a friend, a sibling, a partner, or even a parent. Whoever they are, you do not owe them your peace of mind.
Of course, this toxic person will not likely leave your life without some gaslighting or without placing all blame squarely at your feet, but that’s okay. They can be mad and they can be hurt but they still need to go.
Learn To Say No
It is okay to say no. You do not have to say yes just because they ask. Let disregarding your own feelings, needs, and choices for the sake of pleasing others be a thing of the past. And yes, I am saying it is okay to be selfish sometimes.
Stop living your life for other people. Making life choices, big or small, is a huge burden and will wear on you both mentally and physically. You have permission to say no, and say it without feeling the need to offer an excuse or explanation.
Notice how none of the secrets to happiness included others making you happy? That is because no one else can ever make you happy. Your happiness is your job and you should never delegate your happiness to another.
What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you agree with the list of secrets to true happiness? What do you believe is the secret to happiness? Please share your thoughts and experience!
There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. - Epicetus
3 Signs They Are Sucking The Life Out Of You...Is There An Emotional Vampire In Your Life?
Let’s be honest, we all have an emotional vampire or two in our life. Whether it is family, friends, coworkers or neighbors, there is someone you interact with who leaves you feeling drained afterward.
What is an emotional vampire? An emotional vampire is someone who drains your emotional energy out of you. They may do it all at once or little by little over time, but regardless of their process, they basically suck the life out of you.
It is important to recognize the emotional vampires in your life so you can take action and protect your mental health. Here are the 3 big signs to look for.
Signs They Are Emotional Vampires
You Often Dread Interactions
You dread interactions with them because they are often negative, overly critical, or tend to lash out at you because that is just what they do.
Whether it is a visit or phone call with your mother, or just your partner coming home from work, if you often dread interactions with them, they are an emotional vampire.
If the emotional vampire in your life is a spouse or a parent, it may be time to speak your mind and set some boundaries.
You Feel Anxious Or Upset During Interactions
You could be having a perfectly fine day, but whenever you interact with certain individuals in your life, they totally kill your vibe.
It could be your best girlfriend who is never happy, never has a positive thing to say, and feels the need to unburden herself on you with all her problems constantly. But of course, she never asks how things are going for you, or bothers to thank you for being a supportive friend.
Or it could be your boss or coworker who leaves wondering why you still work there. Your coworker who complains constantly and spreads negativity may need to be shut down and sent away.
You Feel Drained After An Interaction
After your friend has complained endlessly about her ex, or your mom has guilted you about not calling enough, so she can tell more often about what a disappointment you are, you feel drained.
If this is the case with anyone in your life, it may be time to avoid, distance yourself, or completely cut them out of your life.
As adults, we get to choose whom we have in our lives. If that means finding a new job, ending a friendship, or less frequent calls with an overly critical parent, then that is what you need to do for your own mental and emotional well-being.
Can you relate to this article? What are your thoughts on emotional vampires? Do you currently have one in your life? Please share your thoughts and stories!
You will always suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you, that means everyone else can control you. Breathe, and allow things to pass. - Warren Buffet
The Self Fulfilling Prophecy of Getting Dumped: The 5 Reasons Why They Left You
Some relationships were never meant to last, and deep down we always knew it. We want to be happy and enjoy the relationship, but we cannot get the negative thoughts out of our heads which tends to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The self-fulfilling prophecy is also known as the interpersonal expectancy effect.
A self-fulfilling prophecy is the psychological phenomenon of someone "predicting" or expecting something, and this "prediction" or expectation coming true simply because the person believes or anticipates it will and the person's resulting behaviors align to fulfill the belief. Wikipedia
The sad thing about self-fulfilling prophecies is that our behaviors play a huge part in the outcome of situations, in this case, relationships. When you had doubts, you acted out, and possibly changed the trajectory of your relationship, and drove them away.
Here’s Why They Left You
You Are Insecure
Confidence is sexy, and insecurity is…well, unsexy. Your lack of confidence in yourself makes you feel insecure in your relationship, which makes you behave clingy and possessive. No matter how many times your partner tells you they love you, they find you attractive, and that they think you are wonderful, you continue to seek more and more validation, which is annoying and drives them away.
Your insecurity is a turnoff. If you do not believe you are worthy of love, how can you expect anyone else to believe it?
You Are Jealous
A certain level of jealousy is normal, but you freak out if your partner smiles at the attractive bartender or waitress. You are checking their phone, tracking their whereabouts, and constantly grilling on their comings and goings. They wanted a partner, not a parent.
If they give attention to anyone other than you, it puts you in a mood and you punish them for it later by ignoring them or withholding affection or intimacy.
Ultimately, behavior like this ends with the opposite of the intended effect.
You Are Controlling
Controlling partners make their mates miserable. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise, but it has to be your way all the time. You want to decide where you live, who you are friends with, where you eat, what you eat. It all has to be your because you believe if you can control them, and control the relationship, they will stay with you.
Unfortunately, when you try to control your partner, you only motivate them to want to leave you and take back control of their life.
You Are Mean
Our fears can manifest themselves in many ways, anger and meanness are a couple of examples. You fear losing your partner, which makes you angry and resentful of them for “making” you feel that way. Instead of recognizing the emotion for what it is, lashing out and meanness occur.
You become insulting and short-tempered with them, and may even betray them because you feel entitled to because you suspect they will eventually leave you.
You Checked Out of the Relationship
Hurt them before they hurt you may be your philosophy, which is terrible, self-destructive, and doesn’t actually prevent you from getting hurt. It just ensures you always end up alone.
Relationships require work and maintenance to function. When someone emotionally checks out of a relationship, they stop being a supportive partner. They stop trying. If you emotionally check out of a relationship you may stop doing both the big and the little things that made your partner feel cared for and valued. Once you check out, you ensure the demise of your relationship.
It takes a lot of self-analysis and self-awareness to recognize when you are unintentionally sabotaging your relationship and creating the self-fulfilling prophecy that will lead to your partner dumping you. This blog gives you examples of what not to do if you are worried about being hurt and being dumped.
You have to remember, just like you chose them, they chose you, as you are. They chose you with your looks, your income, your intellect, your body, and your brain. Yes, some relationships will not work out., but a successful or a failed relationship does not determine your value. You are good enough, but not everything is meant to be.
What are your thoughts on self-fulfilling prophecies? Any experience with ruining a relationship because you were worried your partner would break things off? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“Then she told herself to stop her nonsense. If you looked for things to make you feel hurt and wretched and unnecessary, you were certain to find them, more easily each time, so easily, soon, that you did not even realize you had gone out searching.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker
6 Signs Of Love Bombing... What Is Love Bombing and Why You Need To Stay Away From Love Bombers
Love bombing is a newer term for an old tactic. A Prince Charming or Fairy Princess comes into your life and sweeps you off your feet. They give you everything you thought you wanted in a relationship and more. They make you feel loved and special and seen. They seem almost perfect. Almost too good to be true.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. It can be used in different ways and for either positive or negative purposes. Psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse and have warned against it. - Wikipedia
Love bombing is so effective because it plays into our fantasies of what romance and relationships should be. The hope of finding your one true love and the person who just gets you. The problem is that love bombers hide behind tactics to deceive and make their victims believe that they are different and offer something different when in reality they are terrible mates and have very little to offer a partner in the long run.
6 Signs of Love Bombing
Rushes The Relationship
After two dates, they are declaring their love for you and want to move in together. They want to meet your friends and family right away even though you two are still getting to know one another. They say you are soulmates and insist you two are meant to be.
You may even hear them spout the term, “when you know, you know” to justify the fast-moving relationship, and the demands they are making of you.
Excessive Attention
A love bomber will give you more attention than you ever had from any other romantic partner before. They will want you to spend all of your time with them. If they are not with you, they are texting, calling, and yes even tracking your whereabouts.
Excessive Affection
A love bomber cannot get enough of you. They will want to constantly kiss you, hold you, and be intimate with you. They do not respect boundaries. You are not one for public displays of affection but they will want to stake their claim on you for everyone else to see.
Lots of Gifts
A love bomber is very generous. They are overly generous actually, and right from the start. Dinners, flowers, trips, and lots and lots of gifts. They are sending flowers to your place of work so everyone can see. They will take you out on expensive dates, and they will buy you gifts and jewelry that is inappropriate for the stage of your relationship.
They are luring you in with a false promise of their generosity and giving nature when in all actuality they are the opposite. They are actually selfish.
Puts You On A Pedestal
A love bomber will tell you how wonderful and perfect you are, but also make you feel like they are the only one who appreciates you and sees your worth. They will make you feel like a hero but also like your value is attached to them and your relationship with them.
Acts As Your Protector
We all want to feel protected when we are vulnerable, but a love bomber will make you feel like there is a boogie man behind every corner and only they can protect you. Suddenly, they are convincing you that everyone is the enemy, including your family and friends.
They only want you to trust them. They will try to convince you that people you have known long before them are untrustworthy and manipulative, and want you to cut them out of your life for your own good.
Love bombers are really just your standard manipulative narcissists. They seem different than anyone else you have ever known before, at first. But as the mask slips away, and you peel back the layers, you may find that you have been duped. All of the above signs are red flags and the classic bait and switch tactics of love bombers.
What are your thoughts on love bombing? Has it ever happened to you? How did you get away from that situation? Please share your story!
“Abusers are notorious for rushing the first stage of intimacy, something that's often described by survivors as a kind of 'love-bombing'. This phase is electric and full of promise. Survivors commonly recall being swept off their feet by a man more passionately interested in them than anyone had ever been before.”
― Jess Hill, See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence
5 Signs He’s Playing Mind Games
Mind games are relationship manipulations that keep you both mentally and emotionally off balance. Mind games are usually about feeding the ego. In order to feed the ego, a guy who plays mind games will string you along for as long as possible, because you know, it’s all about him.
Mind games are cruel and misleading and are far too common in the dating world. It’s not only about ego, it can also be about control and self-preservation but playing mind games can lead to people really getting hurt. No one wants to be led on or toyed with.
To protect yourself, it’s important to know if you are being played so you don’t get hurt. Here are the signs to look for to know if he is playing mind games.
5 Signs He’s Playing Mind Games
He’s Hot and Cold
Sometimes it’s all about you. He is giving you lots of attention and affection and making you feel special. You actually start to believe that this could be something real between the two of you.
Just when you were starting to let your guard down and catch feelings he starts giving you the cold shoulder and it’s like you do not exist. He basically stops calling or texting. He doesn’t even really return your calls or texts or take forever to respond if he does. And if he sees you out and about he will barely acknowledge you and instead force you to create an interaction with him.
This is a huge power play and mind game tactic. He is showing you he’s in control of this relationship and can stop dealing with you whenever he wants without a care in the world.
He Disappears
He was calling or coming around all the time, and then suddenly nothing. He basically ghosts you temporarily. Then he reappears as if nothing happened. Why did he do this? Well, because he can and because he’s testing you and playing mind games. But in the process, he may have got you thinking you did something wrong or said something wrong. He made you question yourself.
His motivation? He wants to see just how easily you are manipulated and how desperate you are to have him. These are huge red flags and a major power play on his part.
He Tells What You Want To Hear
He says the right things but his actions seemed to be the opposite. You ask if he is seeing other people and he denies it or dodges the question completely. You have seen him with other girls but he says they are just friends even though there are tons of rumors about him being an untrustworthy player.
He tells you that you are special to him and says he cares for you but after spending time with him you often feel used and more like a side chick or booty call than a potential mate or girlfriend.
He’s Seeing Other Girls
In his defense, I guess, he may have made it clear that you are not the only one he’s seeing or that he has a lot of female friends. But when you are together he lays it on thick, making you feel like he is really into you and that he has strong feelings for you. Which is confusing because how could he be this way with you and have feelings for others too, right?
That is the mind game part. That is the player playing you and reeling you in. Guys who do this are not falling for you, and they do not have romantic feelings for you. They are grooming you to reciprocate a false love story they have created to get what they want from you and keep you waiting in the wings.
Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself
He dangles a future with him. If you were a little sexier, or your boobs were bigger, or if you were just skinnier he could see a future with you. He always manages to make you feel like you are not good enough for him. Like you will never be good enough for him.
But he gives you just enough attention and romance to make you want to be enough to truly win him over. This is him playing on your self-esteem issues. This is playing mind games. This is him slowly tearing you down. Now ask yourself, is this really a guy you want a future with.
At the end of the day, it should not come down to how hot he is or how much money he has but how he treats you and how he makes you feel about him and you.
Here’s the thing, if a guy is playing mind games he already knows that he is really not that into you. But that won’t stop him from using you when he is lonely or needs to feel good about himself. If he really cared about you he would not make you feel so confused or like you are less than all of the time. You deserve better than a guy who plays mind games with you.
What are your thoughts on dealing with a man playing games? Do you agree with my list? How do you handle a guy playing mind games? Do you play them right back or bounce? What is your experience? Please share!
“In a narcissist's world, you are not their one and only. You are an extension of that person and last place in their mind, while they secure back up narcissistic supply.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Here's Why Love Alone Isn’t Enough
Relationships will always have ups and downs and challenges over the years, but can love conquer all?
You can love your partner deeply and still be miserable in your relationship because your mental, emotional, or sexual needs are not being met.
You can love someone deeply but still choose not to be with them because sometimes love just isn’t enough. When elements are missing from your relationship, despite your love, you know it’s not going to work, and that it may be time to move on.
Reasons Why Love Isn’t Enough
Trust
It is very hard to continue on in a relationship once trust is lost. Trust is everything in a committed relationship, and without it you really have nothing. Unfortunately, your love will not make a cheating partner more faithful or honest. They are who they are and will only be true and trustworthy if it’s in their character.
Yes, people make mistakes, and sometimes forgiveness is warranted. Trust can be regained but it is a slow process, and much like a fractured bone it is forever fragile.
Communication
Poor communication is the cause of most fights and unhappiness in many relationships. Having a partner who is able to communicate their feelings, wants, and desires is extremely important. Just as important is a partner who is able to listen and receive what their partner is communicating to them.
Attraction
Call it shallow, but the reality is people want to feel attracted to their partner. Are looks the most important thing in a relationship? Of course not, but losing attraction for your partner, or even worse, feeling repulsed by them can mean the end of your happy union.
Commitment
Love is just a word without action behind it. A commitment is an obligation. A relationship commitment is an obligation of choice. We choose to be with that one person and we choose them again and again.
The problem is that sometimes the commitment feels like a burden, which is a sign that something is not working.
Determination
Once you are knee-deep into a relationship, with the honeymoon phase over, you have to want it to work to keep it going.
Relationships can be challenging, even hard at times. If you love someone and you want your relationship to work you have to be determined for that to happen.
Love alone will never be enough to sustain a healthy relationship when all or most of the key elements are missing. The important word being healthy. And remember that love will not make him change, and love does not hit, or use, or abuse. Love yourself first.
What are your thoughts on love alone being enough to keep going in a relationship when all the other elements appear to be missing? Please share your thoughts and experience!
"You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them ... but still move on without them." — Mandy Hale
When Love Turns To Hate Then Murder
Love is the ultimate goal for many of us. We meet our perfect mate, and after some wining and dining we are in love, envisioning the white picket fence and a happily ever after.
We are all allowed to dream and have romantic goals, but unfortunately when it comes to happily ever after the odds are not in your favor. Marriage takes work, more than many want to deal with, especially if the love you once had has turned to dislike, resentment, and even hate for your partner.
When Love Turns To Hate Then Murder
Divorce Rates
Marriage can be hard, even when you are with the right person. But if you were unfortunate enough to end up with someone with whom you were not really compatible with, or who changed significantly after the “I Do’s” were said, trouble is likely on the horizon.
Divorce rates are staggering, and many marriages are likely to end in divorce. In fact, the current divorce rate in the United States approximately 40 to 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce. Of course, the number does not include the couples who are separated, no longer cohabitating or couples who decide to remain married while living separate lives.
While the end of a marriage is very sad, if two people cannot make it work and do not want to be together, it is a better option than wasting your life being miserable in an unhappy marriage. Let’s be honest, sometimes divorce is necessary for the mental and emotional well-being of the couple and the children if there are any.
While divorce may be the right choice, some spouses decide to take a different, more violent, final path to end the marriage. Some spouses would rather kill their partners than get a divorce.
Is There Always Abuse Before The Murdering of A Spouse Or Partner?
Statistics show that most people, usually but not always women, who were murdered by their spouse had reported verbal or physical abuse to their friends, their families, or the authorities in the past.
But to be clear, there are not always signs of abuse or that someone is capable of murder. Some of the most high-profile cases of spouses being murdered showed that friends and family were shocked by the crime. While they thought the couples were very happy and in love, the husbands were living double lives and in love with other women, and plotting to get rid of their wives, and in some cases their children.
Murder Statistics
It’s a scary thought to think that the person sleeping next to you, that person who you love most in all the world could someday hate you enough to take your life. Rest assured that odds are that spousal murder will not be your fate, but for an astounding number of both men and women, that is exactly what happened to them.
According to Department of Justice statistics, approximately 9 percent of murders in the United States are spousal murders, primarily the murder of the wife with 83 percent of family murders being committed by the male. Alcohol is often a factor in the murders as well.
The Motivation To Murder
Unfortunately, the reason for killing the spouse usually comes down to money, one way or another. They don’t want to pay child support, or split assets, or pay spousal support. The opposite mentality of “cheaper to keep her”. Greed and selfishness take over any thoughts and sense of decency and morality.
Money is not the only motivating factor when spouses are murdered. The murder motivation can also be about control. The spouse is leaving and killing them is their last act of control over them. If I can’t have you, then nobody can type of crap.
The last motivating factor is another man or woman. They want a fresh start with their new love and do not want to deal with divorce, or custody battles, or losing anything, especially money. Falling for someone else can happen, especially when someone is unhappy in their current relationship, but Prince Charming murdering his wife isn’t romantic or attractive to a new partner, it’s scary and psychotic.
Many of us will never understand the decision to kill someone we once loved rather than just get a divorce. I’m not sure the killers always understand their actions either, but the important thing is your safety. Don’t hide abuse and be willing to walk away from crazy, even if that means not getting everything you feel you deserve from the divorce.
If you or someone you love are in danger or need help please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you believe in making a marriage work at all costs? Would you be willing to walk away from it all if it meant you could leave your spouse in peace? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people,” Jonathan Franzen, Freedom
15 Signs Your Behavior Is Toxic
After the year we all had with 2020, I think many of us are wanting to move forward in a more positive, self-reflective way. It all starts with looking at ourselves, acknowledging faults, and putting in the work to do better.
I think it’s pretty easy to recognize toxic behavior in others, but not so much when it comes to our own actions and behaviors. Toxic people are well, toxic, and unfortunately, it is possible that you actually the toxic person in many people’s lives.
No one wants to believe they are toxic, but sometimes the facts are just undeniable. Recognize the signs and knock it off.
15 Signs Your Behavior Is Toxic
You Anger Easily
You can go from zero to one hundred over the smallest thing and lose your mind on those closest to you and even strangers. Sticking up for yourself is one thing but talking to people in your life disrespectfully or making a habit of going off on people is toxic behavior.
Friends and Family Hold Their Tongues
If your friends or family dare try to hold you accountable for your words or actions it is a known fact that it will turn into a huge fight or gaslighting session. So instead they hold their tongues or start avoiding you altogether.
You Lose People In Your Life
People are always breaking up with you both literally and figuratively, anything to avoid dealing with you and your toxic behavior.
You Treat People Like Crap
Being nice and sweet sometimes does not give you a free pass to treat people like crap whenever you get upset or have a bad day. The minute you get upset or lose your temper your nice mask falls off and you show your true colors.
You Always Have To Be Right
No one likes being wrong, but with a toxic person even when they have been proven wrong they want to argue or find a way to be right. If that doesn’t work then anger or gaslighting is sure to follow.
You Are Never Happy
You are the ultimate drama queen with always something going on in your personal or professional life that tends to be over-inflated problems blown out of proportion. You seem to look for reasons to not be happy and you drag others into your self-created problems, leaving them shaking their heads at your first-world issues.
You Are Overly Critical
If you are a toxic person, you will always find a way to criticize. You are far from perfect, but want to hold everyone else to a standard of perfection and are always sure to let them know that they are failing.
You Don’t Take Responsibility
It’s never you, it’s always someone else. You seem to always attract drama and have problems but to have you tell it, it is always someone else’s fault. You take zero accountability for anything, especially the ramifications of your own actions.
You Are Insensitive To Others Feelings
Maybe you are a straight shooter or maybe you are passive-aggressive, but either way, you always manage to say something insensitive or insulting because you are insecure and toxic. Of course when they are offended or hurt you try to laugh it off because they are not entitled to feel insulted by your rude comment or joke at their expense.
You Are Rude
You tend to say rude and thoughtless things. You speak to people in the service industry in a rude manner and tend to be inconsiderate and thoughtless when irritated.
You Are Negative
You are Debbie downer and the sky is always falling to hear you tell it. We all have the occasional negative thought or feeling, but if you are toxic, being negative is a way of life. You are that friend that tells her happy and in love friend that you hope this guy doesn’t cheat on her like all the others.
You Are Not Supportive
You cannot stand to see anyone doing better than you, even if it’s your bestie or your partner. It’s all you and if your life isn’t going how you want it to then you can’t be happy for anyone else. You are toxic.
You Are Always Complaining
Even when things are good you always find something to complain about. The food wasn’t great, the music was too loud or not your preference, it’s too crowded or you are bored. Complain, complain, complain.
You Are Petty
Your tit-for-tat attitude when it comes to relationships is never going to be a winning strategy. You are childish and do not seem to learn from past mistakes. You think you are scoring big at the moment with your words and insults, but your tantrums consistently turn into big losses for you in the long run.
You Feel The Need To “One Up” Others
You cannot stand when you are not the center of attention and it is not about you. You can just never let someone else have their moment or shine. It always has to be about you so you go out of your way to try to show others up, even those you claim to be friends with or love.
It is never too late for you to grow and change. Actually believing otherwise is just an excuse to not put in the work needed to be a better friend, spouse, daughter, or sibling. If you recognize most or all of these traits in yourself or someone else, you have identified a toxic person.
What are your thoughts on toxic behavior? Do you recognize these characteristics in someone close to you or even yourself? Are you willing to cut the toxic person out of your life or change your ways? Please share your thoughts and experience!
Death Of A Marriage...6 Reasons Marriages Become Unhappy
When I first started blogging about relationships 4 years ago, I was not sure what to expect as far as interest in what I had to say, because let’s be honest, much like food blogs, the market is flooded with relationship advice as well.
In writing my blogs, I have striven to provide a unique perspective based on personal experiences, observations, research, and interviews. Over the years, my audience has grown, and I am so proud of the unexpected success, but I believe much of my success can be contributed to one blog in particular that continues to draw to the largest audience daily.
Two years ago I wrote an article titled 8 Signs You Are Not A Couple Anymore…You’re Just Roommates. The Roommates article has resonated with so many readers and continues to provide nearly 40% percent of the daily traffic to my blog, with over 1,000 daily views.
Over the years, I have received many heartbreaking emails and comments from people feeling trapped and unhappy in their marriage, and recognizing they are just roommates. Between hearing from readers, doing research, and seeing what family and friends have gone through, I have definitely started to view marriage through a different prism.
When you think about the high divorce rate, which is currently approximately 40% depending on your age and where you live, and how many people we all know who are staying in marriages for reasons other than happiness and love, that equates to a lot of unhappy people.
So, the question is, why do so many marriages become unhappy, and is that seemingly inevitable unhappiness preventable? The short answer is yes if you know the causes. Here’s 6 reasons marriages become unhappy.
6 Reasons Marriages Become Unhappy
No Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling is highly recommended to get a marriage started off right. Premarital counseling provides a facilitated forum to discuss marital expectations and concerns of each partner prior to saying “I do” because you both should have an idea of what your partner expects of a husband or wife in a marriage.
Idealized Marriage
Marriage is not a fairytale, despite what the stories tell you. In fact, choose the wrong mate and your marriage can end up a horror story. Your spouse is not going to be Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet non-stop. He will burp, fart, and may be a complete slob at times, who does not help around the house or with the kids as much as you would like.
Obligated/Forced To Marry
You got married because your religion dictated it or you were pregnant and felt obligated to get married. Honestly, I think any marriage that required or pressure for one or both partners to commit doesn’t stand much of a chance at a happy union.
Immature When Married
It doesn’t matter if you are 20, 30, or 40 when you get married, because it is not only about age. Immaturity does not necessarily just mean young because maturity is a mental state. Some people never grow up, and some never make sound decisions regardless of how many years they are on this earth.
Keeping Up With The Joneses
You married because everyone your age was doing it and you did not want to be outdone by anyone or feel like a loser for still being single. Playing the game of keeping up is a fast track to unhappiness and debt. People who focus more on the outward than the inward are never very happy with themselves and definitely not with their partners.
Ignoring/Not Addressing Issues
You have not been paying attention to your marriage. If this blog applies to you, you may have been reading this thinking, nope this is definitely not me or my marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your spouse. I get emails all the time from unhappy spouses who feel trapped in their marriage and I always encourage them to discuss their feeling with their spouse.
Of course, most people recognize that things are off with their marriage but are not sure sometimes how to fix it, and in some cases, if they even want to fix it. I think the death of a marriage is preventable for some marriages, and not so much for others. Sheer determination and love will not make a person who no longer loves you want to be with you, no matter what you do.
I believe the death of a marriage can be prevented if two mature individuals willingly enter the relationship with open hearts and minds, be completely honest with each other and themselves, and focus on building up their partner and their relationship.
What are your thoughts on the death of a marriage? What advice would you give? Do you agree with the assessment? Please share your thoughts and experience!
The Dangers of Ultimatums In Relationships
Ultimatums can mean the death of a relationship. An ultimatum is a final demand that if not met you will be faced with a retaliation or a break in relations. It is basically a do this or else statement.
By definition an ultimatum sounds harsh, but they are sometimes necessary to get results or force a decision. While being the recipient of an ultimatum you are given the “or else” up front, but the giver of the ultimatum will likely face consequences as well, especially in a romantic relationship.
An ultimatum should never be given lightly or frequently in a relationship because it can backfire and appear manipulative.
5 Dangers of Giving An Ultimatum In Your Relationship
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They Give In But Resent You
You may give an ultimatum to your partner and get your way, but it may not be a win in the end. You need to keep in mind that you basically pressured and threatened your partner in order to get them to do something you wanted them to do, and something they clearly did not want to do.
While they may give in, the ultimatum will not be forgotten, and resentment may fester, wreaking havoc on your relationship in the long run.
They May Become Unhappy
An ultimatum is one sided, no matter how you look at it. It is not a win win. There is a winner and a loser so to speak. You give an ultimatum to get your way, whether it is deserved or not is irrelevant to your partner’s feelings.
If you are strong arming, or guilting them into doing something they do not want to do they are not likely to be happy about it. Do not fool yourself into thinking you know what’s best for them because they know their heart and mind better than you do.
They Give Ultimatums Too
Once you start giving ultimatums in your relationship, you set a standard of behavior. You should expect that at some point in your relationship your partner will give you an ultimatum too. And the fact that you have used this card in the past will make it hard for you disagree with this tactic when you partner uses it on you.
They Call Your Bluff
When issuing an ultimatum in your relationship be prepared for your bluff to be called. I have known people who have told their partners that if they didn’t marry them the relationship was over. Or if we don’t have kids the marriage is over.
What if they say no? Be prepared to walk away from the relationship before letting that ultimatum come out of your mouth, or don’t say it at all. You will only look foolish and manipulative otherwise.
They Lose Trust In You
An ultimatum is a power play. Giving an ultimatum is also a form of manipulation. Once your partner starts to feel like they are being manipulated, they will start to question your trustworthiness.
Although I am not a fan of ultimatums in general, some ultimatums are necessary. Sometimes it has to come down to either stop drinking so much or I am out of here. Or if this relationship is not heading towards marriage then I am done.
It’s your life too so you get verbalize your wants and desires. But you also need to be prepared for the blow back you are sure to receive when you force someone’s hand.
When times get tough, and they will because that is life, your partner will remember that you twisted their arm into marrying you or having kids, or moving somewhere, and they will resent you or even hate you.
What are your thoughts on ultimatums? Have you ever given one in a relationship? How did things work out? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“When my husband gives me this ultimatum, "You either stop singing, or you move out," then it became very clear that what I needed to do - not just because I wanted to sing, but because I didn't want to live with anybody who issued ultimatums to me like that - would be to move out.” - Rene Marie