The Dangers of Ultimatums In Relationships
Ultimatums can mean the death of a relationship. An ultimatum is a final demand that if not met you will be faced with a retaliation or a break in relations. It is basically a do this or else statement.
By definition an ultimatum sounds harsh, but they are sometimes necessary to get results or force a decision. While being the recipient of an ultimatum you are given the “or else” up front, but the giver of the ultimatum will likely face consequences as well, especially in a romantic relationship.
An ultimatum should never be given lightly or frequently in a relationship because it can backfire and appear manipulative.
5 Dangers of Giving An Ultimatum In Your Relationship
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They Give In But Resent You
You may give an ultimatum to your partner and get your way, but it may not be a win in the end. You need to keep in mind that you basically pressured and threatened your partner in order to get them to do something you wanted them to do, and something they clearly did not want to do.
While they may give in, the ultimatum will not be forgotten, and resentment may fester, wreaking havoc on your relationship in the long run.
They May Become Unhappy
An ultimatum is one sided, no matter how you look at it. It is not a win win. There is a winner and a loser so to speak. You give an ultimatum to get your way, whether it is deserved or not is irrelevant to your partner’s feelings.
If you are strong arming, or guilting them into doing something they do not want to do they are not likely to be happy about it. Do not fool yourself into thinking you know what’s best for them because they know their heart and mind better than you do.
They Give Ultimatums Too
Once you start giving ultimatums in your relationship, you set a standard of behavior. You should expect that at some point in your relationship your partner will give you an ultimatum too. And the fact that you have used this card in the past will make it hard for you disagree with this tactic when you partner uses it on you.
They Call Your Bluff
When issuing an ultimatum in your relationship be prepared for your bluff to be called. I have known people who have told their partners that if they didn’t marry them the relationship was over. Or if we don’t have kids the marriage is over.
What if they say no? Be prepared to walk away from the relationship before letting that ultimatum come out of your mouth, or don’t say it at all. You will only look foolish and manipulative otherwise.
They Lose Trust In You
An ultimatum is a power play. Giving an ultimatum is also a form of manipulation. Once your partner starts to feel like they are being manipulated, they will start to question your trustworthiness.
Although I am not a fan of ultimatums in general, some ultimatums are necessary. Sometimes it has to come down to either stop drinking so much or I am out of here. Or if this relationship is not heading towards marriage then I am done.
It’s your life too so you get verbalize your wants and desires. But you also need to be prepared for the blow back you are sure to receive when you force someone’s hand.
When times get tough, and they will because that is life, your partner will remember that you twisted their arm into marrying you or having kids, or moving somewhere, and they will resent you or even hate you.
What are your thoughts on ultimatums? Have you ever given one in a relationship? How did things work out? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“When my husband gives me this ultimatum, "You either stop singing, or you move out," then it became very clear that what I needed to do - not just because I wanted to sing, but because I didn't want to live with anybody who issued ultimatums to me like that - would be to move out.” - Rene Marie
