Top 5 Relationship Deal Breakers...The List We All Need To Have!

In my opinion, having relationship deal breakers is really about self-worth and self-respect. You are saying to yourself, "this is what I deserve, and I will not settle for less." You can call it being picky, but I call it being smart.

Many of us have a mental list, written lists for some, of all of the traits and characteristic we want in an ideal mate. We usually know, or hopefully know, what we need to be happy in a relationship, and having a partner who has your ideal traits can help that happen. You may want a mate who is smart, funny, outgoing, and handsome.

You can find that "ideal" person, they are out there. The problem is that sometimes you can meet someone that checks all the boxes of your ideal mate, but they may also be full of traits that are unacceptable.

My 5  Relationship Deal Breakers

Dishonesty

Dishonesty is a lack of honesty or a tendency to lie, cheat or steal. I think it goes without saying that no one wants to be lied to or betrayed by someone they are in a relationship with. Dishonesty is a deal breaker for me because I cannot be with someone I do not trust.

For me, blatant lying is not the only way to be dishonest. Being secretive, hiding things, and omissions are also forms of dishonesty.

Selfishness

Selfish people care only for themselves, and they are primarily concerned with their own interests, benefit, and welfare. A partnership with a selfish person feels like anything but a partnership. Being with someone who takes far more than they give is painful, and is a definite deal breaker. 

Watch out for this one because it will be hard to spot early in the relationship because you will want to take care of and do a lot for your new love. It may not be until much later that you start to realize how one-sided the relationship had been.

Pay attention to how much they allow you to do for them, but rarely reciprocate or inconvenience themselves for you.

Disrespect

Disrespectful people are rude, discourteous, and overall unpleasant. I have a zero tolerance rule with disrespect. We show others how to treat us, and if we allow them to be, treat, or speak to us in a disrespectful manner there will always be a lack of respect.

This rule also applies to being with someone you don't respect. Maybe you never respected them and settled, or lost respect for them along the way, but if you do not respect your partner, it can be difficult to treat them in a respectful manner. Be mindful that this is still a deal breaker.

Emotional Unavailability

An emotionally unavailable man is unable to share and communicate his emotions, and be open and honest about his feelings. The emotionally unavailable mate will suck you in, and then break your heart. Both men and women can be emotionally unavailable, although there are some differences in how they go about it, the relationship results can be the same.

An emotionally unavailable partner can seem like a challenge, a challenge you want. You will want to be the one to heal them, and break down their walls. Unfortunately you may get a lot more than you bargained for.

Communication is very important for a healthy relationship, but this will be lacking with an emotionally unavailable mate. This is a deal breaker because life is short and you are not going to change them. 

Lack of Motivation

Motivation is an act or reason to accomplish or achieve a goal or goals. A lack of motivation can be a sign of depression, or a sign of being lazy. A lazy partner is a big deal breaker.

A partner who lacks motivation will lack passion, and honestly it is difficult to respect a lazy person. Being with someone you cannot respect is unwise, and it would be settling.

Relationship deal breakers should be reasonable if you want to have healthy relationships, but non-negotiable once you set your standard. These deal breakers will vary from person to person. We all determine what is right for us, but there should be no settling just for the sake of keeping anyone.

What are your relationship deal breakers? If you have never thought about your deal breakers, I recommend that you do. How many on this list are your deal breakers too? Please share!

"The moment you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do."  Unknown

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5 Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist

The term narcissist seems to be thrown around a lot these days, but that doesn't mean the label doesn't necessarily apply to some people. I am not a psychologist, and perhaps you are not either, but I think it is important to recognize what is unhealthy behavior, and avoid it when possible.

So what exactly is the medical definition of narcissist you might be thinking. I think many of us have our own ideas or definitions of what a narcissist is, but the meaning is actually pretty straight forward.

A narcissist is defined as a person who has an excessive interest or admiration of themselves. For a narcissist, it is about them all of the time.

To have a narcissist in your life can be painful. They are self-centered, selfish, and take far more than they give. Your wants, needs, and feelings are rarely, if ever, taken into consideration. Statistically far more men than women are narcissists, approximately 50 to 75 of those diagnosed are men.

5 Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist

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Appearance Is Everything

A narcissist is very focused on their looks, their clothes, and even the looks and clothes of those they surround themselves with. They are very jealous and envious individuals. The narcissist wants to always look good, be the center of attention, and to be admired.

They Are Braggarts

A narcissist is a name dropper. If they know or have met a celebrity, they make sure everyone is aware of this fact. They tend to have the most expensive clothes, shoes, cars, and jewelry they can afford, and love to share the cost of everything.

They Cannot Take Criticism

A narcissist can be very insensitive, self-serving, arrogant, and dismissive, but don't try telling them that. If they hurt your feelings, or treat you in an inconsiderate or unkind manner, they are more likely to gaslight you than they are to admit fault.

Its Always About Them

A narcissist always has time to talk about themselves, or celebrate their special occasions. Unfortunately when you need them, they cannot make time for you. If it is not about the narcissist, it is not of interest to them.

They Have A Sense Of Entitlement

In the mind of a narcissist, they are deserving of everything they want, regardless of whether or not they have earned it. They believe that they are special, and that they should always come first. The narcissist has an inflated sense of self, and often takes advantage of people.

The moral of the story is that you are not going to change a narcissist, but it is a diagnosable condition. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is real, and treatable, but I do not recommend breaking your own heart trying to cure with love. The cause of NPD is not completely known, but genetics, environment, and early life experiences are believed to be contributing factors.

Do you have experience with narcissists? Did they get help and get better, or did you give up and move on? Please share your story or experience! 

“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They're emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God's creations because they don't show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.”  - Shannon L. Alder

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10 Signs You Are In A Co-Dependent Relationship

Type the term "co-dependent relationship" in any search engine, and hundreds of articles will come up. Is it that co-dependent relationships are a growing phenomenon, or is it that more and more people are recognizing it for the unhealthy cycle it creates?

Relationships are about give and take, and a partnership of two individuals. But in a co-dependent relationship, all things tend to revolve around one half of the couple. Often times it is the female in the relationship that is the co-dependent partner.

She is eager to please, always with a smile on her face, even when she is sad or upset. Usually a learned behavior from the household she grew up in.

Co-dependent relationship can loosely be defined as the feeling that one cannot exist, be happy, or even feel complete without the other person. This type of relationship tends to stunt personal growth, create or exacerbate low self-esteem, and prevent those involved from truly being happy.

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Couples in codependent relationships tend to struggle for power and control. One or both are often anxious, resentful, and are guilt stricken. They do not respect each other’s individuality, or the need for autonomy.

Surprisingly, the relationships are usually drama free, because one or both are not honest with their feelings. The relationship also tends to lack in passion, and true intimacy.

10 Signs That You Are In A Co-Dependent Marriage:

• Spouses opinion matters more than your own, especially in decision making

• You prioritize their happiness, even if it makes you unhappy

• You do not do anything without them, and do not have your own identity

• You do not set appropriate boundaries with your spouse, and fear telling them “no”

• You ignore their dishonesty, possessiveness, and jealous tendencies

• You avoid confronting your partner about important issues because you fear rejection

• You can’t "live" without the other person

• You feel trapped in the relationship, but feel that if you did leave, you’d be a horrible person for abandoning your partner

• You feel as if your life revolves around your partner

• You cancel plans to accommodate your partner’s whims

According to marriage counselors, autonomy is the key to a healthy, balanced marriage. In a marriage, yes you love each other and want to be spend time together, but you should also be able to function independently. There needs to be allowances for separateness, differences, and one’s own thoughts and feelings. A partner should feel like a support beam, not an anchor.

What are your thoughts on co-dependent relationships? Are you in a co-dependent relationship or know someone who is? Are some couples blissfully ignorant existing in this state? Or are they in denial? Either way, the bliss or denial cannot last forever.

What other telltale signs of co-dependency would you add to this list? Please share your story or experience!

A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, or your dignity. - Unknown

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5 Signs It’s Time To Set Boundaries In Your Friendship...

Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. If you do not set boundaries with those in your life, then you are not respecting your yourself, or requiring that they respect you either. Often times we recognize when our friendships have veered off course, and perhaps new boundaries need to be set, but we may find it difficult to take the necessary corrective steps.

The first step with boundaries, is recognizing when you need to set them.

5 Signs That It Is Time To Set Boundaries With Your Friends

They Don't Respect Your Time

This is the friend that believes all of your free time is theirs to do with as they please. You had a long, exhausting week, and all you want to do is hibernate all weekend. But without even calling, your friend shows up, with bag in hand, declaring she's spending the weekend. A boundary is needed with this friend.

It's Always A Competition

I don't believe in competing with my friends, and I don't believe in having frenemies in my life. If your friend is always trying to one up you, it is time for a talk, and to set boundaries.

They Are Emotionally Draining

Yes, friends are supposed to be there for each other, and listen to one another. But you are not supposed to be their therapist, and it cannot be about them, and their problems all of the time. If it feels like you are always on the phone with your friend dealing with one of his or her crises, it is time to set a boundary.

They Take Advantage of You

Your friend knows you will help anyone. She needs help moving, you are there. She needs a ride to the airport, of course you will take her. The problem is, this friend is always unable to reciprocate, and is taking advantage of your kindness.

It is time to set boundaries with this friend. You can say no sometimes, and still be a good person.

They Hurt Your Feelings

Whether it's a comment about your looks or your intelligence, your friend takes digs at you. And the worse part is you feel it is done intentionally to hurt and belittle. This goes back to competing. Set the boundary, and let them know that put downs are not acceptable to you.

Relationships, whether they are romantic or friendship, are complicated. It is boils down to two individuals trying to get what they want and need out of a relationship.  Sometimes they may, or may not be, taking the other persons feelings into consideration, while doing so. This is why we have to speak up.

I am a firm believer that we show people how to treat us. If you set no standard for how you are to be treated, then they will treat you accordingly. - Charlene Eckstein

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