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I love storytelling and always want my readers to have options. You can find my blogs on my YouTube channel and listen to them on the go.
What Is Love? Being, Falling, and Crazy In It
Valentine's Day is just a little more than a week away, so I thought I would write about love today. I am actually a Valentine's Day cynic. I find it lame, and a total consumer manipulation, however, I do love love.
So what exactly is love? And for this blog, we are talking about romantic love. Love is a feeling of strong affection and care for someone or something. It can also be a feeling of devotion or attachment.
How Does Romantic Love Feel?
A deep feeling of affection and care for another person
A strong or constant affection for and dedication to another
A warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
How Does Love Act?
When in love, you will show a commitment to, and adherence to, loving actions towards another, oneself, or many others, over a sustained duration
Love can take many forms and can be defined differently by different people.
I love the idea of falling in love, and being in love. I am not someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, and I was recently described as aloof, but actually I am a romantic.
Being in a relationship, and in love is nice. It feels safe and comfortable to look over at the person sitting or laying next to you, and truly feel like you know them, and that you are in it together. But in all honesty nothing gives the euphoric feeling like falling in love.
Why Does Love Make You Crazy?
The newness is what makes it so different. It's obsessive. You eat, breathe, and live the other person. You cannot get enough of them. You could stay up all night talking to them, or staring at their face. You miss them the minute they leave, hang up the phone, or text goodnight.
They are the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning, and last thing you think about when you fall asleep at night. It makes you feel alive. It's an amazing feeling that cannot be replicated.
Falling in love is great, but a true, deeper love comes with getting to know the other person. They are not perfect, but a flawed individual. They share your interests, but have their own too. They truly "see" you, and not the fantasy person they want you to be. Seeing me has been my request with love. See me, and all of my flaws. No masks! Someone is sure to have buyer's remorse otherwise.
I know everyone loves differently and I think some of the outdated thoughts on love and Valentine’s Day specifically, have changed expectations for many women I know. More women are embracing being single and are pouring more into themselves and their non-romantic relationships. Galentine’s Day is also coming up. Which day will you be celebrating? Or maybe both?
You have no idea how fast my heart races every time I see you. - Unknown
Soulmates...Meant To Be Or Nonsense For Romantics?
Soulmates...meant to be?
Once upon a time, when I was very young, I believed in the happily ever after. But then at some point reality hit me. Life is full of ups and downs, and no guarantees. Life will throw many curve balls, and one of them is love.
Love seems like such a simple concept in so many ways. You don't really have to think about it, you just feel it. You know it in your gut, and in your heart and mind that you love someone. But sometimes love evolves, or even fades away. We are talking romantic love.
Are you in love with someone right now? You may at some point, if you have not already, ask yourself if they are the "one". You may wonder if they are your soulmate. Soulmate has many definitions. The true meaning of soulmate is to have known and loved one another in many lives.
Death does not separate true love, and soulmates will always find their way back to one another.
The modern definition of soulmate is more simplistic. Soulmates are two people who are drawn to each other, and connect on every level. There is an intensity and passion between soulmates that is difficult, if not impossible, to replicate.
Do I believe in soulmates? Simple answer is no. Having a soulmate in theory sounds wonderful, and oh so romantic. But what if my soulmate gets hit by a bus? Am I doomed to a life of loneliness or lackluster relationships because the "one" is no longer here? That's depressing, not romantic.
But if you are going to find the closest thing to a "soulmate", or a person you can be very happy with, look to the list below for signs that you have met the one.
Signs You Have Found Your Soulmate
It Feels Right
You Just Know It
You Can Be Vulnerable And Be Yourself With Each Other
You Can Sense When They Are Hurting Or Are In Pain
You Admire And Challenge Each Other
You Have A Deep Connection And Friendship
There Is Amazing Chemistry Between You
Time Together Is Fulfilling
You Feel Like You Have Known One Another Forever
Being In Their Presence Has A Calming Or Euphoric Effect On You
Honestly, my theory on love and relationships is that you can find happiness and love with many people, albeit not all at the same time. There are those where the relationship is good, but not great. There are better relationships, and there are the best relationships.
The best relationship is when you truly click and get one another. The relationship in which you look at one another, and wonder where have they been all of your life. The laughs are good and plentiful, the sex is great, and hell even the disagreements are stimulating, and kind of hot.
So nope, I do not subscribe to the soulmate concept, but I think life should be the best it can be. No settling out of fear, loneliness, or desperation. There are over 5 billion people in our beautiful world. He or she is out there, and maybe searching for you as well. Or possibly even right in front of you.
Do you believe in soulmates? Have you found the one? Still searching? Or settled too soon? If you have found the "one" then enjoy and appreciate. If not, keep looking because the right one is out there. Please share your soulmate experience!
“A soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized.” – Vironika Tugaleva
Great Chemistry...Can You Build A Relationship Around An Off The Charts Connection?
Chemistry, and I am not referring to the study of matter, means different things to different people. I have chemistry with a lot people. Most people probably wouldn't be in my life for any extended period of time if I didn't have some type of chemistry with them.
Whether it is bonding over a shared love of books and music, or connecting with other parents and co-workers, chemistry comes in many forms.
Chemistry is a beautiful thing. In its simplest form it is just a connection with another person. You just click with someone. It isn't necessarily romantic. But great romances start with amazing chemistry, and that is what this blog is about. Recognizing romantic chemistry is easy. Knowing what to do with it can be the challenge.
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The 5 Signs Of Romantic Chemistry...
Commonality
Chemistry is bonding and connecting, usually over experiences and interests. You share similar personalities or backgrounds. You laugh at the same things, and are on the same intellectual level.
Attraction
You feel a strong physical pull towards each other. You desire this person, and when they are around everyone else fades.
Can't Look Away
It's as if they are water and your eyes have been wandering the desert for years. You could stare at them all day, and when your eyes meet it's HOT. Staring into each other's eyes happens frequently when you encounter each other.
Can't Stay Away
You want to be near this person as much as possible. Spending time with them is the best feeling imaginable. Being away from them is torment.
Never Enough Time
You could be with, talk to, and text with them all day and night, and it still doesn’t feel like enough time. Time flies when you are together, and yet somehow being together makes time come to a complete standstill.
So the question is, if you have great romantic chemistry will you have a great relationship? I think the answer is, most likely. I believe the foundation of a solid romantic relationship is a good friendship.
They say opposites attract, but opposites may also struggle once the newness of the relationship wears off. That is why commonality plays a major role in any long lasting relationship. If a couple shares mutual interests and enjoy talking and "listening" to one another, it will bode well for a solid future together.
Be sure not to confuse infatuation with chemistry. Chemistry is truly chemical. Chemistry is two bodies saying we belong together. While infatuation is about feeling passion and fascination for someone. Infatuation by definition is temporary, and either turns to love or fades.
Either way, if the infatuation was based on looks or just an admiration of someone so unique or different from oneself, but no real compatibility existed, what are the odds of it lasting?
Is finding that person you have amazing chemistry with the secret to a long, happy relationship? Do you think chemistry matters? Do you think it is important to have similar interests to stay connected? What are your thoughts?
You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't in the same way you can't deny it when it does. - Unknown
Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels
5 Signs It’s Time To Set Boundaries In Your Relationship
Boundaries are limits that define acceptable behavior. These limits apply very much so to relationships. In fact, perhaps boundaries in our personal, romantic relationships are the most important ones to set.
We often become comfortable, maybe too comfortable, in our relationships, and we can forget how to treat our partners.
I see boundaries as being about trust and respect. Boundaries apply to everyone, whether you are the male or female in your relationship, or you are a same sex couple. Read the below boundary breakers, and ask yourself if you are doing any of these, or if they are being done to you. If they apply, ask yourself if you are okay with the status quo of your relationship.
The 5 Signs You Need To Set Boundaries
They Interrupt
Whether it's a work call, or your candle party, they interrupt with non-urgent issues. This is a disrespectful power play, and it is a boundary issue. While they think they are marking their territory with you, what they are really doing is putting their lack of respect for you on full display for co-workers, friends, and family.
Respect yourself enough to set boundaries.
They Track and Spy
Everyone, even those in relationships, are entitled to some privacy. They will disguise it as worry for your safety, but it is really about controlling you. Needing to know where another adult is every second of the day, who is supposed to be a partner and equal, is a boundary issue.
In addition to tracking and spying being about control, it is also about a lack of trust and respect in the relationship. The boundary issue is unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
They Smother
Alone time is important, as is time with others outside of your relationship. If your significant other makes you feel guilty for doing things, or wanting to do things, without them, you have a boundary problem.
If they do not respect your need or desire for alone time, or to occasionally do things without, they have serious boundary issues.
Always About Them
Does just about everything you do as a couple revolve around their wants? Do you get input? Do you try to give input but always seem to get shot down? You are paying for half the trip, but get none of the say. These are boundary issues. Your voice is not heard, and your opinion is not valued. Set the expectation.
They Treat You Disrespectfully
Are things said to you by your significant other that you would be ashamed if your family or friends ever overheard or knew about? That is a boundary issue. Many things go on between couples, but verbal and emotional abuse should not be tolerated.
Hands are not the only way to beat a person down. Set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and tell them to never speak to you like that again.
Relationships are work, but I believe too many people spend far too much time ignoring problems that can be fixed, such as boundary breaking. They spend too much time hoping things will turn around, while not facing problems head on. And unfortunately, they spend too much time working on relationships that are beyond repair, or that was never going to work at all.
What are your thoughts? These are just my opinions, and I know everybody has one. Please share your story or experience!
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” - Brene Brown
Body Language...Can You Tell What He Is Thinking?
Positive body language between couple
Ok, so technically I am no body language expert, but I find it interesting and have done lots of reading on the topic. I feel pretty confident in my abilities to regurgitate, I mean share, the the info I found.
I believe if we are honest with ourselves we can admit that we spend quite a bit of time hiding our true thoughts and feelings. We hide our annoyance when we are in the check out line behind someone paying with a check, or how much we dislike our boss, or even how much we like the new guy or girl at work.
I bet you think you have it all figured out, right? You play it cool and try keep your face emotionless when your jerk boss tasks you with something they should be doing. Or the girl you are crushing on is sitting across from you in a meeting.
How do you hide your feelings? You can't, not if your boss or crush know how to read body language.
I have an expressive face so my irritation, anger, and annoyance are rarely disguised. I think I am much better at hiding my other thoughts and feelings. I hide my fear and anxiety really well. I have also been really good at hiding my attraction for certain men in the past. At least I think so.
Experts would say I had telltale signs that gave me away, of course if they knew what to look for. The eyes say it all. They will dilate to take in more of the one they are attracted to.
There is no all encompassing list of signs your body will exhibit with any one particular emotion, but the below lists have been shown to accurately predict ones true intent or feelings.
Here are signs you might exhibit if you dislike someone:
Not facing them when they talk to you
False smiles
Very little eye contact
Keeping a large distance
Yawning
Side stepping while talking to them (you want to leave)
Touching your nose
Here are signs you might be angry or hostile:
Balled fists
Pupil contraction
Running fingers through hair
Compressed or whitened lips
Crossing arms
Rapid speech
Intense glare
Shaking
Redness in face
Here are some signs you might exhibit if in the presence of someone you are crushing on or secretly in love with:
Lots of eye contact
Mirroring behavior
Gesture on appearance such as fixing tie, socks, or hair
Great posture, straightens up when in their presence
Is fidgety, and plays with things such as buttons or a pen
Touches face a lot out of nervousness
Plays with round objects in presence (this one is about sexual attraction and breasts)
Dilated eyes because they like what they are looking at
Feet point towards them, in order to keep them in your line of sight
Feeling vulnerable yet? I am. We all wear masks sometimes, often in the workplace. But our bodies betray us because research shows that whatever we are feeling shows up on our body first, not our conscious mind. Once our mind becomes aware we can put on that fake smile or look of interest.
Don't worry, sometimes people need to know how you really feel.
5 Signs It’s Time To Set Boundaries In Your Friendship...
Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. If you do not set boundaries with those in your life, then you are not respecting your yourself, or requiring that they respect you either. Often times we recognize when our friendships have veered off course, and perhaps new boundaries need to be set, but we may find it difficult to take the necessary corrective steps.
The first step with boundaries, is recognizing when you need to set them.
5 Signs That It Is Time To Set Boundaries With Your Friends
They Don't Respect Your Time
This is the friend that believes all of your free time is theirs to do with as they please. You had a long, exhausting week, and all you want to do is hibernate all weekend. But without even calling, your friend shows up, with bag in hand, declaring she's spending the weekend. A boundary is needed with this friend.
It's Always A Competition
I don't believe in competing with my friends, and I don't believe in having frenemies in my life. If your friend is always trying to one up you, it is time for a talk, and to set boundaries.
They Are Emotionally Draining
Yes, friends are supposed to be there for each other, and listen to one another. But you are not supposed to be their therapist, and it cannot be about them, and their problems all of the time. If it feels like you are always on the phone with your friend dealing with one of his or her crises, it is time to set a boundary.
They Take Advantage of You
Your friend knows you will help anyone. She needs help moving, you are there. She needs a ride to the airport, of course you will take her. The problem is, this friend is always unable to reciprocate, and is taking advantage of your kindness.
It is time to set boundaries with this friend. You can say no sometimes, and still be a good person.
They Hurt Your Feelings
Whether it's a comment about your looks or your intelligence, your friend takes digs at you. And the worse part is you feel it is done intentionally to hurt and belittle. This goes back to competing. Set the boundary, and let them know that put downs are not acceptable to you.
Relationships, whether they are romantic or friendship, are complicated. It is boils down to two individuals trying to get what they want and need out of a relationship. Sometimes they may, or may not be, taking the other persons feelings into consideration, while doing so. This is why we have to speak up.
I am a firm believer that we show people how to treat us. If you set no standard for how you are to be treated, then they will treat you accordingly. - Charlene Eckstein
The Slow Burn Romantic Chemistry...Hot Or Hot Mess?
I am a total romantic, and nothing gets me better than the slow burn. The slow burn is the unexpected budding of romantic feelings between two people over a period of time. The slow burn relationship usually starts off very platonic, and then like a switch something changes.
The slow burn theme is very common in romance and suspense novels, and television series because the build up, and the "will they, won't they" question creates excitement for the readers and viewers.
Plus, there is the correlation to life, and how the slow burn seems to be the recipe for long term happiness and relationship longevity.
Here’s my list of television shows with stand out slow-burn romantic chemistry.
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Slow Burn Romance In Television
Mulder/Scully - The X-Files
Ross/Demelza - Poldark
Any Vampire Series
Jack/Kate/Sawyer - Lost
Lady Mary/Matthew - Downton Abbey
Phryne/Jack - Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (Epic Slow Burn)
Archer/Lana Kane - Archer
Rick/Michonne - The Walking Dead
Jim/Pam - The Office
As much as the slow burn appeals to many people, the actually consummation seems to be a buzz kill. Many shows lose their steam after the slow burn couple gets together. Is it because the slow burn is fantasy and romantic, but with a relationship comes struggles.
Is it possible some of the relationship pitfalls and struggles can be avoided if the transition from crushes to lovers is handled carefully?
The slow burn is special because the foundation of the relationship is not based on appearance or sex, but genuine fondness and chemistry that grew into more. The scary thing, and the undeniable hotness about the slow burn, is the build up. The build up of wanting more, and wanting each other.
Over time, the desire for things to be out in the open is there, but there is also an element of fear. A fear that maybe you will not live up to each other’s fantasies. A fear that you will be disappointed, or even worse, that you will disappoint them. Highly unlikely with the slow burn chemistry, but still a very realistic fear.
I have had experience with a slow burn, and I would use three words to describe the feelings: complicated, intense, giddy. It catches you by surprise, and then it becomes all you can think about.
I truly believe that the slow burn flame never goes out. It may not always burn with the same intensity as it did when first ignited, but depending on those involved, I firmly believe the smolder is there to stay.
What are your thoughts on the slow burn? Any slow burn experience? If so, did you go for it or stay put? Please share your story or experience!
“Hard to sit here and be close to you, and not kiss you.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Nice vs Good...How Do Others See You? How Do You See Yourself?
The terms nice and good are often used as if they are interchangeable, but they are not. Nice is defined as someone who is pleasant, agreeable, and amiable. Nice people don't like to ruffle feathers or deal with conflict.
Those who are "nice" may often take the easy way out. Basically nice is a facade. Nice is what others want you to see. To be fair, nice people are usually nice to be around, just don't expect them to make good decisions.
Good is defined as morally excellent, virtuous, honorable, and worthy. Good people can be nice but their decisions are based on their morals and values, not what they think will please others or to avoid conflict. Good people do the right thing, even when it's the hard thing.
Like many people, I want to be accepted and liked, so I try to be nice. But in a choice between nice and good, it is always more important to me to be a good person and do what is right. Sometimes that means saying no or telling someone something they do not want to hear.
It takes courage and conviction to truly be a good person. I struggle daily because being nice is easier. Giving in and telling people what they want to hear is easier.
Nice vs good can be applied to many situations in our lives. I take pride in being a good mom, not a nice mom. I am nice to my children, but more importantly my girls are told no sometimes because there has to be limitations, and it is my job to set an example.
A nice mom may not set limitations because she doesn't want to deal with a tantrum or may fear her child being angry or upset with her. As a woman, ask me what kind of man I want and I will tell you I want a good man all day long.
So I ask you, where do you fall on the nice vs good spectrum? I always strive to be a good, honest person. Maybe too honest sometimes to truly be considered a nice person. Nice people give me pause, as there is an element of falseness within them.
Early on I question what's behind the mask a nice one wears, but if you give them enough time the mask will slip and much will be revealed.
The Look Back...Why You Can't Just Walk Away
The look back, is the turn back of one or both people after they have said their goodbyes. They don't want their time together to end, but feelings have not been verbalized.
I like to people watch because I find human behavior so interesting. We do so many subtle things that mean so much. One particular behavior has caught my eye recently, and that is the look back. Some of you may be wondering what the heck is the “look back”, but others knew right away.
Once I noticed it, I mean really noticed it, I had to know more. I started to notice it in the morning drop offs with parents and their children at my daughter's school. I saw it with groups of friends parting ways after a movie. But the big stand out was with couples, and the slow budding romances.
I suppose this blog goes hand in hand with my recent “ Love…Being, Falling, Crazy In It” blog. The look back in the case of love and lust is often about regret. It is the silent “one last look at you before I leave you, because believe me, I don’t want to leave you".
The look can be subtle or smoldering, but either way it is still telling. The return look is just as telling, and important. If only one of the two looks back, it does not bode well for a future dalliance.
Just about every romantic movie I have seen has the look back moment. I had to think back over the years for the look back moments in my history. In the past I fought the temptation sometimes. I wanted to look back, to see him again yes, but also to know if he was looking back at me.
When your eyes meet that one final time on the look back, it sends your heart fluttering, and you feel warm and tingly all over. It puts a smile on your face, and thoughts in your mind that will leave you restless.
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Here Are Some Movies That Have Memorable Look Back Moments
Sixteen Candles
Sense and Sensibility
Bridget Jones's Diary
Waiting to Exhale
The Princess Bride
10 Things I Hate About You
Dirty Dancing
Never Been Kissed
The Titanic
Love Actually
The Notebook
The Wedding Singer
Does a look back at someone after you, or they have started to walk away mean nothing, or everything? I suppose one could say it depends, and that may be true. In the case of love and lust, only the two looking back at each other know why they couldn't resist that one last glance. What do you think?
The Friend Zone...Can Men and Women Be Just Friends Without One Or Both Wanting More?
The short, honest answer is it depends. I have always had lots of male friends, and they have never left the friend zone, and I never wanted them to. I truly love and value my guy pals, both gay and straight. The friendships are somewhat different from my female friendships.
The dynamic is different and fulfilling in unique ways, without the drama and challenges of a romantic relationship. They work for me.
I suppose the real questions is, "Is it possible that some of my male friends were just playing the waiting game?" Were they waiting for the right time to make their move, or hoping that I would see them differently? Which of course was never going to happen, because I see my close guy friends like brothers. Yes, I can find them attractive, but in a non sexual way. They might as well be eunuchs.
Now, do not confuse the friend zone with the free parking zone. I refer to the guy you are really cool with, but there is also potential for more, as being in free parking zone. You are his friend and content to keep it that way for now, but you are also careful not to do, or say anything to sabotage a possible relationship in the future.
So you don't burp in front of him, or pig out, and definitely do not discuss any gross bodily functions with him.
There is also sexual tension in free parking, and occasional flirting and looks that are more friendly than not. Maybe the timing is not right, and nothing will ever happen. Or just maybe fate will bring you two together. There is possibility in free parking.
In taking a very unscientific poll, I discovered more women than men thought the opposite sex friendships were possible. Most of the women I know have close male friends, and said they do not have a problem with their man having female friends, but there were some restrictions.
Men on the other hand were less definitive in their response. A couple guys didn't mind at all. While others were not okay with the wife or girlfriend having male friends at all. Is it because they worry that he is thinking what they think when they are with their female "friends"? Hmm.
Have I been so naive this whole time? I refuse to believe so. Yes, I understand that men think about sex way more than women do. And I know that some of my closest male friends over the years have had deep feelings for me. Some confessed at the time, and others told me years later.
Unfortunately, as wonderful as they were I just could not see them in that way. In theory, if a male and female are good friends then they are very compatible. They have a lot in common and truly enjoy each others company.
Friendship is the foundation for any long lasting relationship, but you also need romantic and sexual chemistry.
So what are your thoughts? Can men and women be just friends? Are you currently friendzoning someone? Have you been friendzoned and want out? Or just maybe you are in free parking, waiting for the right time to make your move.