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Why Do They Stay? The Reasons People Say They Stay In Unhappy Relationships
When two people are in love and happy, staying in a marriage or relationship for eternity may not seem long enough. But what about when they are unhappy and no longer in love? Many people stay in unhappy, and unhealthy relationships, but why?
It is no secret that people stay in unhappy relationships for many different reasons. Some people feel trapped and try to plot their escape, while others seek counseling or spiritual guidance to make the relationship bearable.
Many children grow up in homes with parents who do not love each, and because of this they vow that they will never settle for such a relationship, and then life happens and cycles get repeated.
The older we get, the more people we know who are divorced, planning to leave their relationship, or are miserable but have their reasons for staying. After discussions with people in my life, and research on this topic, I found some answers as to why people stay in unhappy relationships.
Why She Stays In An Unhappy Relationship
For The Children
Ideally, children are raised in a healthy, two parent home, but for many reasons the two parent home is becoming less and less of the norm.
Being a single parent, and raising children on your own is hard. The thought of it is scary, so some women stay in a relationship with someone they are unhappy with because they believe it is ultimately what is best for the children and themselves.
Financial Reasons
Depending on where you live, everything is expensive. A woman may be miserable in a relationship, but if she is a stay at home mom, or a full time student who relies on her partner for financial support, she may stay. She may have no income of her own, little job experience, or large gaps in her employment history.
Personal Beliefs
There are still many people who believe marriage is forever, regardless of how unhappy they are, and do not consider divorce an option. A woman may also feel like a failure if her marriage doesn’t work, and possibly face negative consequences from her religious community if she divorces.
Fear Of Going It Alone
Some women are not independent and believe they need a man to be with them and take care of them. Their fear of being alone, or the thought of not being able to find someone else makes them feel extremely vulnerable.
Being on your own, especially after having a partner to rely on for years, can be frightening for some.
““There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” — C. Joybell C.”
Why He Stays
For The Children
Men will stay in an unhappy relationship for the children out of fear that if they break up or divorce they will lose access to their children. Times are changing , but historically when a couple divorced, the woman gained full physical custody of the children.
There is also the cost of child support that plays a role in him staying.
Cheaper To Keep Her
I honestly hate this saying, but I do get the real financial meaning behind it. Many of us know men who have had a seemingly good life, and a nice home, but then got a divorce. The wife had custody of the children and stayed in the family home, while he moved into a small apartment since that was all he could afford after paying spousal and child support.
Doesn’t Want To Start Over
Some men will stay in an unhappy relationship out of sheer laziness. I have heard men say they didn’t like their spouse and didn’t want to be married to them anymore, but they also didn’t want to have to do the dating thing, or get back out there on the single scene.
Men also have said they didn’t want the hassle of getting a divorce and splitting everything up.
There is no one way to find happiness again or turn around a bad relationship. Everyone in an unhappy relationship has their own reasons for staying, and for leaving. When children are involved, a lot extra care is needed. The reality is that your children will recognize your unhappiness, and they will be affected whether you choose to stay or leave.
What are your thoughts on staying in an unhappy relationship? Would you stay? Have you stayed? What would make you stay in an unhappy relationship? Please share your thoughts and experience!
“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” ― Jennifer Weiner
5 Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Man
It can be difficult to recognize and accept that your partner is emotionally unavailable, but doing so is a must for your own mental and emotional well being. An emotionally unavailable person is someone who is unwilling, or unable to communicate, discuss, or share and open up about how they feel.
Good communication, especially when it comes to communicating feelings is a must for a relationship to function in a healthy manner.
It is frustrating to care deeply for someone, and not feel that love in return. Part of a healthy, loving relationship is discussing and sharing your feelings, but when you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable they can often seem cold and distant.
You will have an overwhelming desire to heal their wounds that have made them so closed off and emotionally stunted, but this will come at the cost of your own heart and emotional well being.
Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner
Commitment Issues
He likes to "casually" mention that he doesn't believe in marriage or monogamy. Or he often says that is not really the relationship type, or that he is not good at relationships. If he is saying this...believe him and get out of dodge fast.
This guy doesn't necessarily want to be alone, but he wants you in his life on his terms, and when it's convenient for him. It's about control and a power play for him.
He's Inconsistent
One minute he is crazy about you, he cannot get enough of you, and is making plans for a future with you. Then the next week you barely hear from him, and cannot get him to return a text or commit to a time to see you. This is a big red flag and should be a one and done situation.
He is all over the place, playing games because he can, and is not to be trusted with your heart.
Detached
Early in the relationship he was Mr. Charming, and that's how he reeled you in. Once he had you, he slowly became detached and disengaged from the relationship.
He avoids difficult discussions, he has bad habits such as drinking too much, and sometimes avoids you completely, except of course when you are putting out. He can be very cold at times, and easily disregards your feelings.
Rocky Past Relationships
He has nothing nice to say about his exes. They were crazy, or liars, or cheaters, or all three. But I am willing to bet if you heard their side of things, it was him who was the crazy, cheating, liar. If his past is filled with bad women, then he is the common denominator.
He is making himself the victim, and not being truthful about why those past relationships didn't work out. Every story has three sides, his is not likely the entire truth.
He's A Jerk
I know, this one is really hard to come to terms with. You want to see your man as a good guy, but be honest with yourself, and don't make excuses for his behavior. How is he really? How do your friends and family see him? Do you have to apologize for his behavior sometimes?
Being nice sometimes, while being an obnoxious ass the rest of the time makes him not a nice guy. In fact, it makes him a jerk who can be nice when it suits him.
The Psychology Behind Emotional Unavailability
There are many reasons as to why a man may be emotionally unavailable, the main one being his childhood. He may have grew up in an environment where expressing and showing emotions were discouraged, ridiculed, or possibly flat out not allowed. His role models growing up were also emotionally unavailable, and he modeled himself after them.
A man may also be emotionally unavailable due to having suffered a trauma. The trauma may have been in their childhood or later in life, but that trauma left them with emotional wounds. Sadly, a good old fashioned broken heart and betrayal can lead to a man being emotionally unavailable, and to being unable to be open again.
When someone is emotionally unavailable, they are unavailable. You are not going to heal them with your love, or change them and make them suddenly see the light. They have to be willing make the necessary changes to have a healthy relationship, and probably should get some counseling to deal with their unresolved issues.
Being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is not a relationship, it is a project, and so not worth it. What are your thoughts on the emotionally unavailable man? Are you currently in a relationship or in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable? Please share your experience!
"Pity those who don't feel anything at all." - Sarah J. Mass, A Court of Thorns and Roses
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky from Pexels
10 Signs You Are In A Co-Dependent Relationship
Type the term "co-dependent relationship" in any search engine, and hundreds of articles will come up. Is it that co-dependent relationships are a growing phenomenon, or is it that more and more people are recognizing it for the unhealthy cycle it creates?
Relationships are about give and take, and a partnership of two individuals. But in a co-dependent relationship, all things tend to revolve around one half of the couple. Often times it is the female in the relationship that is the co-dependent partner.
She is eager to please, always with a smile on her face, even when she is sad or upset. Usually a learned behavior from the household she grew up in.
Co-dependent relationship can loosely be defined as the feeling that one cannot exist, be happy, or even feel complete without the other person. This type of relationship tends to stunt personal growth, create or exacerbate low self-esteem, and prevent those involved from truly being happy.
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Couples in codependent relationships tend to struggle for power and control. One or both are often anxious, resentful, and are guilt stricken. They do not respect each other’s individuality, or the need for autonomy.
Surprisingly, the relationships are usually drama free, because one or both are not honest with their feelings. The relationship also tends to lack in passion, and true intimacy.
10 Signs That You Are In A Co-Dependent Marriage:
Spouses opinion matters more than your own, especially in decision making
You prioritize their happiness, even if it makes you unhappy
You do not do anything without them, and do not have your own identity
You do not set appropriate boundaries with your spouse, and fear telling them “no”
You ignore their dishonesty, possessiveness, and jealous tendencies
You avoid confronting your partner about important issues because you fear rejection
You can’t "live" without the other person
You feel trapped in the relationship, but feel that if you did leave, you’d be a horrible person for abandoning your partner
You feel as if your life revolves around your partner
You cancel plans to accommodate your partner’s whims
According to marriage counselors, autonomy is the key to a healthy, balanced marriage. In a marriage, yes you love each other and want to be spend time together, but you should also be able to function independently. There needs to be allowances for separateness, differences, and one’s own thoughts and feelings. A partner should feel like a support beam, not an anchor.
What are your thoughts on co-dependent relationships? Are you in a co-dependent relationship or know someone who is? Are some couples blissfully ignorant existing in this state? Or are they in denial? Either way, the bliss or denial cannot last forever.
What other telltale signs of co-dependency would you add to this list? Please share your story or experience!
A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, or your dignity. - Unknown
5 Signs It’s Time To Set Boundaries In Your Relationship
Boundaries are limits that define acceptable behavior. These limits apply very much so to relationships. In fact, perhaps boundaries in our personal, romantic relationships are the most important ones to set.
We often become comfortable, maybe too comfortable, in our relationships, and we can forget how to treat our partners.
I see boundaries as being about trust and respect. Boundaries apply to everyone, whether you are the male or female in your relationship, or you are a same sex couple. Read the below boundary breakers, and ask yourself if you are doing any of these, or if they are being done to you. If they apply, ask yourself if you are okay with the status quo of your relationship.
The 5 Signs You Need To Set Boundaries
They Interrupt
Whether it's a work call, or your candle party, they interrupt with non-urgent issues. This is a disrespectful power play, and it is a boundary issue. While they think they are marking their territory with you, what they are really doing is putting their lack of respect for you on full display for co-workers, friends, and family.
Respect yourself enough to set boundaries.
They Track and Spy
Everyone, even those in relationships, are entitled to some privacy. They will disguise it as worry for your safety, but it is really about controlling you. Needing to know where another adult is every second of the day, who is supposed to be a partner and equal, is a boundary issue.
In addition to tracking and spying being about control, it is also about a lack of trust and respect in the relationship. The boundary issue is unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
They Smother
Alone time is important, as is time with others outside of your relationship. If your significant other makes you feel guilty for doing things, or wanting to do things, without them, you have a boundary problem.
If they do not respect your need or desire for alone time, or to occasionally do things without, they have serious boundary issues.
Always About Them
Does just about everything you do as a couple revolve around their wants? Do you get input? Do you try to give input but always seem to get shot down? You are paying for half the trip, but get none of the say. These are boundary issues. Your voice is not heard, and your opinion is not valued. Set the expectation.
They Treat You Disrespectfully
Are things said to you by your significant other that you would be ashamed if your family or friends ever overheard or knew about? That is a boundary issue. Many things go on between couples, but verbal and emotional abuse should not be tolerated.
Hands are not the only way to beat a person down. Set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and tell them to never speak to you like that again.
Relationships are work, but I believe too many people spend far too much time ignoring problems that can be fixed, such as boundary breaking. They spend too much time hoping things will turn around, while not facing problems head on. And unfortunately, they spend too much time working on relationships that are beyond repair, or that was never going to work at all.
What are your thoughts? These are just my opinions, and I know everybody has one. Please share your story or experience!
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” - Brene Brown
Liars...Can You Ever Trust Them?
I am most certainly not perfect. I tell the occasional "white lie", or omit the truth to avoid hurting someone's feelings. I do try to be a truthful, honest person at all times, so that's why it is really bugging me that I have someone in my life that does not exactly share this philosophy.
I really like this person, and genuinely enjoy spending time with them until a lie joins us. For this particular person I think their lies are about wanting me to see them a certain way. It is sad because I think they're great until they lie, and then not so much.
I cannot tell if they are trying to delude me, or themselves about their relationship, and other aspects of their life. But at what point do you turn away because you worry that all is false?
You might ask why am I so sure they are lying. Well for starters I have a pretty good memory and remember lots of little details. So basically some of their stories are inconsistent. Also their body language and my gut instinct.
If something sounds like an exaggeration or a lie, it probably is. I find it insulting that they think I will believe the lies, but worse that the feel they need to lie to me.
I did some research on lying and my pal seems to meet the criteria for compulsive liar. It does not make them a bad person but it means they have some issues they need to deal with, at the least, figure out the root cause of all the lying. Here are some reasons people lie:
Protection
To Look Good
Personal Gain - Financial or Social
Avoid Punishment
I think reasons one and two apply to my friend. They lie to protect themselves from judgement of others. They want to be respected and for people to think highly of them and their life, so much so that they over-exaggerate and lie to achieve this goal.
They also want to look good, but don't realize they don't need to lie to accomplish this because they are good at what they do.
So what do I do? Do I call them out when I think they are lying to me? Maybe, but would a liar admit to lying? Do I drop this person from my life even though I believe the lying stems from insecurities, sadness, and disappointment at some aspects of their life.
I truly believe my friend is a good person and good enough, in fact, wonderful in so many ways. If only they believed it too.
What are your thoughts on lying and liars? Do you think you can ever trust someone who you know lies to sometimes? I know my answer. Please share your thought and experience on dealing with liars!